Bullet Points: Soldiers of Fortune

I can remember watching and loving the television show Soldier of Fortune, Inc. in the late 90’s. Whether it was really good or not isn’t important (I have a shit memory) but the fact that I could read the magazines and watch a television series at the same time was very cool to me. This Soldiers of Fortune is a little different. There is no Dennis Rodman… which is a plus. But there is also no late 90’s Melinda Clarke, which some might consider a damned tragedy.

Synopsis: Wealthy thrill-seekers pay huge premiums to have themselves inserted into military adventures, only this time things don’t go exactly to plan.

• Spec Ops Slater: You’d be dead wrong if you thought that Sean Bean was going to be the military vet and Christian Slater would play one of the rich dudes. That would have been the easy way to do it, I think, but Slater plays our badass soldier Capt. Craig McCenzie. He was dishonorably discharged after disobeying a command and saving one of his men. The biggest seller on McCenzie is that he’s never lost a man in combat.

• One wacky adventure: This company is claiming that their new thing is the “Ultimate in Extreme Adventuring”. They take a bunch of rich people, give them some training, and then send them out on legitimate missions with other real soldiers. There is some risk of danger but the idea is that they’re never in any serious shit. That’s the idea, anyway.
• What a Meaney: Veteran actor Colm Meaney plays CIA baddie Carter Mason. That name sounds too millennial for an old dude like him but it doesn’t mean he’s any less dangerous. He makes deals with the Taliban and then finds himself working for the ruthless military dictator on Snake Island. It’s almost like an episode of G.I.Joe!

• The Not so Wild Bunch: The group of rich dudes aren’t the most intimidating. There is a video game designer, an arms dealer, a metal miner, a banker, and an old rich dude. They’re played by various actors that you know, though. Ving Rhames, Sean Bean, James Cromwell, and others join the crew of wannabe tough guys who get trained up by Kuffs before cruising into Snake Island to take part in a rebellious takeover.
• Mission gone to Hell: It only takes about 4 seconds for the entire mission to go to Hell. Someone tips off the bad guys and they’re ambushed on their way to the island. Basically all of their trained soldiers get offed in the first part of the mission. From here on out, they’re just in survival mode.
• Survival Mode: The rich guys aren’t in any position to get off of the island once their boats all get destroyed. Slater goes about trying to protect them and the mission soon turns back into stopping the evil dictator who runs the island. They finally get to see how bad he is and that their little adventure means nothing compared to what this dude is doing.

I’m not rich so I get my kicks by reading bonus Bullet Points:

• Words to live by: “You know the only rule in life? You’ve got to win.”
• Ouch: That guy got shot by a tank….
• For real: Rocket launchers are always so accurate in movies.
• If you ever wanted to see: Colm Meaney in a knife fight? Probably not. But here it is anyways.

The Verdict: There aren’t any stand out action scenes in Soldiers of Fortune but the actors are good enough in their roles to at least make it watchable. It isn’t a good movie, though. Don’t get me wrong. None of the actors are used to their true potential. They might have actually included too many people in the movie to fully take advantage of guys like Cromwell and Bean. Slater just doesn’t do it for me as a former Spec Ops guy. Hell, Tom Cruise did a better job at Jack Reacher than this. A major positive of this movie is that I recognized and knew most of the actors. It would have been a totally unmemorable movie without that. But because of that, I think it’s at least worth a watch.