Bullet Points: Feast III: The Happy Finish
Is there any better movie to watch around Thanksgiving than a movie titled Feast? You could probably say that Die Hard or Predator was a better choice if only for the fact that they’re superior films, but if you’re trying to keep to the theme of the American holiday of Thanksgiving than there are not many titles better. Sadly, the feasting that goes on in feast has nothing to do with turkey, stuffing, or Dutch apple pie. Instead, it’s mostly people getting eaten by vicious creatures.
Synopsis: The survivors are saved by the mysterious prophet, Short Bus Gus, who seemingly has the ability to control the beasts. He leads them into the sewers as they travel to the big city. Along the way they get help from karate expert Jean-Claude Seagal and learn that the beasts originate from a place called “The Hive.” Armed with this knowledge, they decide to fight back and destroy the beasts once and for all.
- I’m a survivor: This is the third movie in a trilogy and each film has picked up where the previous one left off. That means that any of the survivors from the first film then had to not get killed in the second. Then they were even less likely to live through that one to get to this film. Living through three of these movies is probably not something that you should expect…
- Naked and afraid: The opening of the film is pretty wild. Biker chicks, little lucha libre people, and a few random others get offed at a fast pace. Those poor folks lived through whatever happened in the earlier movies only to get snuffed out in the first few minutes. The positives are that a couple of the biker chicks have already lost their tops so they’re running around topless for a while.
- Shitkicker: Soon into the movie, we’re introduced to a man called “Shitkicker”. In case you were wondering, he’s allergic to pussies. He’s your stereotypical tough guy, Marlboro Man looking dude. He has a great line, “You ain’t living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” The excitement by his introduction is quickly extinguished, though. What else can you expect from a movie that kills people at this pace?
- Creature Me Too Movement: Of all of the survivors, many of which are only out for their own survival, used car dealer Slasher (Carl Anthony Payne II) might just be the worst. That may be why he is given a fate worse than death; super monster rape!
- Time to fight…again: Shitkicker was a massive disappointment but there is NO WAY Jean Claude Segal (Craig Henningsen) is going to let us down. We meet him after he beats the crap out of several creatures using some rad martial arts but there is absolutely no chance that Jean Claude is going to make it through to the end unscathed.
- The pipe payoff: Early in the film, one of the characters gets a pipe jammed through his head and then he spends the rest of the movie mumbling. It finally pays off at the end when that pipe works as a modified gun barrel.
- So much for repopulating the Earth: With all of the folks dying left and right they better get busy repopulating the Earth soon.
- Dios Mio: The movie ends with the way it began; confusing. I really did a disservice to myself by not watching the first two movies but if I had one more complaint about this movie it would be that it is far too dark. They run around in the sewers for the last act, evading the monsters but still dying at an unprecedented pace. Just when you think that the film is over, a mariachi appears on screen and sings us a song about what has been going on. It’s incredibly random but also very informative. The weird ending that this weird trilogy deserves.
The Verdict: Not having seen the first Feast had me at a real disadvantage. I can’t say how much I would have liked this movie if I were caught up but it certainly hurt this movie by me walking into it with no knowledge beyond the trailer. Director John Gulager sure has a vision for what his universe is going to look like, I’m just not sure if it’s my thing. There was a surprising amount of comedy (very dark comedy, that is) in Feast 3. I wasn’t prepared for it and it snuck up on me. Most of it was really funny in a messed up kind of way but it’s always awkward to see monsters tear people to pieces and then have some jokes sandwiched in between more scenes of killing. The Feast series is the kind that you could watch all in one weekend, or if you don’t sleep, in one night. The three movies are essentially one continuous story so don’t do what I did and jump into the third one. Start at the beginning and you’ll most likely have a good time.
