What Not To Watch: Christmas in Hollywood
If you are like me you love watching holiday action/adventure movies that have familiar stories but only done in a hackneyed and inferior manner. If you are like me then you also like writing sarcastic sentences that are completely baseless. Of course nobody likes to watch tripe that takes a universally known story, removes all the good aspects, and blends the remaining bits with banal platitudes to create a movie. Action movie can overcome story deficiencies with engaging characters and compelling action… but you can’t always get what you want. What to do you get when you combine a boring overdone story with little action, and the guy most famous for writing/singing the hit song “Key Largo?” You get the 2014 Christmas family adventure film Christmas in Hollywood co-written and co-directed by Bertie Higgins.
- We Had It All – Christmas in Hollywood tells the story of a young boy named Charlie (Jiang Zi Long) who at the start of the film is living in Shanghai with his aunt, but soon moves to Hollywood with his restaurant owning father Sam and new stepmom Diana. We first meet Charlie as he is watching a pirate film in his Shanghai apartment, and it is not a good sign when you realize that you would rather be watching the fake movie within a movie, but let’s continue. Christmas in Hollywood tried redeeming itself with a Charlie walking home from school in Hollywood montage, replete with superimposed holiday decorations on famous landmarks. I almost would have believed it if the graphics didn’t move when the camera moved.
- Missing All The Things We Did – In a surprise to no one, Sam loses his restaurant to the bank and the bank president Ebenezer Scrooge Walter Bates (Joe Gerety, aka a poor man’s James Caan) because Sam missed one loan payment. At dinner the same night Sam finds out about his restaurant, Charlie regales his family about how he made fun of a kid for believing in Santa Claus. Sam and Diana get upset and Charlie gives it to Diana for not being his real mother (like it was her fault for not birthing him.) Charlie’s punishment is to go to his Uncle Bart’s house to help him clean up his place. Uncle Bart is played by Bertie Higgins and his pirate schtick is one of the highlights of Christmas in Hollywood. The world traveler Uncle Bart has actually met the real Santa Claus and in his words became fast friend. Uncle Bart has Charlie write a letter to Santa to get help for Charlie in his time of need (i.e. getting his father’s restaurant back,) and Ol’ St. Nick writes back telling Charlie all he has to do is get three people to rediscover the magic of Christmas.
- Just Like Bogie and Bacall – Christmas in Hollywood now has a team up, but Charlie is shocked to find out that they have a new member to the team. Santa has sent Eric the Elf to help make sure Charlie gets his quest completed. Eric is played by the other co-writer and co-director Darren Dowler, who like Bertie Higgins is more famous in the music field as he is the current lead singer of Paul Revere & the Raiders. If Dowler co-wrote Christmas in Hollywood, I guess I can blame him for the poor choice of giving Eric an English accent and for hamming it up in every scene. Charlie deduces that Bates is the perfect choice to get to believe in the magic of Christmas. What does the trio do first? Go straight to the bank? Nope. They go to a bar in a seedy part of town which makes the audience endure some appletini jokes…and not enough of that female bartender. The trio is able to find a new member for the adventure in former convict bartender Joe Vega, who decides to leave his job for the day to join a young boy, a man dressed like a pirate and an elf in order to reunite with his daughter. Vega’s daughter Charlotte wants nothing to do with the criminal, although she doesn’t know he got arrested for stealing presents to give to her for Christmas… touching.
- Baby This Can’t Be the End – In truly serendipitous fashion, Vega is arrested by the same cop who arrested him so many years ago, Detective Railsback (Robert Thorne in a missed casting opportunity.) Railsback hates Vega after he was dumped by Vega’s ex-wife while Vega was in prison. (I think this is a family movie.) Looks like Charlie found another person to believe in the magic of Christmas. When Charlie finally gets around to Bates, Christmas in Hollywood goes full ghost of Christmas future with an unsettling view of hell and Satan to scare Bates straight. (I am less confident this is a family movie.) Charlie has made three people believe in the magic of Christmas and finally is able to meet Santa. How does one get to the North Pole? Charlie and Uncle Bart (who is really a ghost pirate?) fly to see Santa Claus at the North Pole in a magic pirate ship. If you really need a reason not to watch just reread that last sentence.
Christmas in Hollywood is a holiday adventure film that you can skip during the holidays or any other time of year. The story tries to combine elements of films like A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life and Elf but is lackluster at best. There is constant Christmas music playing in scenes that don’t require it, and no Christmas music in scenes that would make sense. Bertie Higgins was one of the bright spots as he takes the whole pirate life to heart and makes for a fun character and I could have used more of Uncle Bart and less Eric the Elf. Christmas in Hollywood does feature a happy ending which put a smile on my face and is suitable for the whole family, although the hell scene is a touch frightening. The actors do their best, especially the actors with a little more seasoning, and provide most of the enjoyment in Christmas in Hollywood. Why you would subject your family to Christmas in Hollywood when you can watch Christmas classics like Die Hard or Lethal Weapon is a question you will have to ask yourself. What you don’t have to question is the inclusion of some Bonus Bullet Points!
- I’d Really Love to See More of You Tonight – Det. Railsback’s partner, Det. Murphy was played by another music man, John Ford Coley, and he was the biggest surprise of Christmas in Hollywood, stealing every scene he was in.
- If You Ever – Wanted to learn a curse word in Low Elvish (which is the language of the North Pole Elves, natch) than Christmas in Hollywood is for you. Spoiler alert, it’s “plunker.”
- Total Plunker – The most offensive scene involved Eric the Elf in brownface doing a disgraceful Indian impersonation which probably made even Fisher Stevens embarrassed.
- “Starring In Our Own Late, Late Show” – “This kid is so cute he should be doing late night stand-up.”
- Worst Quote – Eric the Elf really humors Charlie when he tells him, “That was pretty good, Charlie. You should be an actor when you grow up.” See, the acting in Christmas in Hollywood is actually pretty poor, especially Jiang Zi Long.
- Quote That Makes Me Feel Like Shit – “It’s not nice to make fun of other kids regardless of what they believe in. It’s called bullying.” Well, I feel about two feet tall.
- Asteism – To be fair, Christmas in Hollywood is Jiang Zi Long’s first and (so far) only acting role. No matter what else he does, he is guaranteed to have a Long career.
