Bullet Points: Flesh Wounds

I have something of a weakness for Predator knockoffs and cheap Blu-rays at Big Lots. That equation has done me wrong on a number of occasions but I just seem to keep going back to the well for more. This time, Kevin Sorbo and Bokeem Woodbine made Flesh Wounds even more irresistible to me. Let’s see if Sorbo can put in a Herculean effort to ensure this movie isn’t another waste of $1.88.

Synopsis: A group of mercenary operators led by Lt. Tyler (Sorbo) accept a mission to go into a hostile area to find a group of missing soldiers and scientists. The site they’re looking for isn’t supposed to exist, but the deadly situation they’re about to find themselves in is all too real.

• Let’s talk about that poster: Low budget action movies can be really fun. Just spend an hour browsing through this site and you’ll find dozens of them that you should be watching. Flesh Wounds looks really fun on the surface. The poster has all sorts of things going on with the creature dude and his minigun and the random soldiers but I am going to go ahead and call “bullshit” on that whole thing. Not only are the soldiers not in the movie but the look of the creature is downright FAKE NEWS!
• Phone a friend: A big pet peeve of mine is seeing military uniforms on screen that don’t even seem to be trying. Flesh Wounds is as guilty as any movie I’ve ever seen. The men wear combinations of different uniforms and random unit patches that just make them look stupid. Rank insignia is upside down and people rarely call anyone by the right title. It’s maddening.

• Where’s your lab bro: Lt. Tyler (Kevin Sorbo) and his crew are getting paid $150,000 to swoop into this swampy area and find the missing soldiers/scientists who were working at a research area that is very “hush-hush”. The big problem I had with it was that when they finally find any of the structures they are essentially just some tents and lean-tos. What the hell?
• Hangin’ with Col. Carter: I actually like Wallace Merck as Colonel Carter. His uniform is trash but he delivers his lines well and seems to be having fun talking with Kevin Sorbo.

• Tactical chaos: Oh man….these action scenes are hard to watch. The soldiers fire wildly at each other and toss grenades into tents to “blow them up”. There are way more knife fights than there needs to be and the tough guy member of the group looks like a little pussycat. Someone could have watched 15 minutes of YouTube videos and learned more about military tactics than what you see in this movie.
• The tank-top commandos: I enjoy Kevin Sorbo. He seems like a nice guy but this movie must have been one that he did for the quick money. There is no doubt that Flesh Wounds does its best to rip off Predator in nearly every scene but no movie starring this cast will ever match the machismo of Dutch and his team. I don’t need them to live up to their level but it would have been good for one or two of them to be badass.

• “Let’s get to that chopper”: There are so many moments in Flesh Wounds that drive me crazy. Hell, Sorbo utters this line late in the movie and it’s one of the sadder things I’ve ever heard.
• Creature danger: Even the early version of the Predator with JCVD in the suit looked better than this thing. I could have gotten behind that creature dude with a mini-gun if he was blasting up guys and sucking brains out but this movie totally drops the ball with the monster.

The Verdict: I was so ready for this movie to be over by the end. If I hadn’t paid for it and simply been streaming it for free there is no chance that I would have finished it. My love of Predator and the enjoyment that I get from knockoff movies only goes so far. Flesh Wounds is like that bad relationship where it’s started with a lie. The poster lied to me, the script is terrible, the action is bad, and the actors were not good. Anything I miss?