Bullet Points: Cocaine Wars

The other day I watched a movie about a good ol’ boy who never meant no harm. He beat all I never saw and was in trouble with a drug lord since the beginning of the movie. He was straightenin’ the curves and flattenin’ the hills. Someday the mountain may get him, but that drug lord never will. He was just makin’ his way the only way he knew how and that was just a little more than the drug lord would allow. That good ol’ boy was John Schneider in the 1985 movie Cocaine Wars and this good ol’ boy just so happens to have some Bullet Points for an underrated slice of the John Schneider filmography. Join me as we go dancing with the white lady in Cocaine Wars.

• Captain Coke – Cliff Adams (John Schneider, American Justice) is an undercover DEA agent trying to take down South American drug lord Gonzalo Reyes (Frederico Luppi). The Reyes operation is fairly large and features all of the hallmarks of a high quality drug works with the only thing missing being the topless women packing the drugs. (You can never be too careful with your drugs.) Adams is undercover as a pilot for Reyes, but the film opens with Reyes killing another pilot and torturing a would be thief proving how ruthless he can be. (You can never be too careful with your drugs.) The Reyes drug compound is located in Las Palmas, a city in an undisclosed South American country. The town of Las Palmas is a little slice of heaven, featuring gun running, prostitution and cock fighting.

• Powder Keg – To add another wrinkle to the plot besides the undercover subterfuge, Cliff’s former fiancée Janet (Kathryn Witt) happens to be in Las Palmas writing a story on Reyes and is good friends with Marcelo, a newspaper man running the anti-Reyes campaign. Cocaine Wars wouldn’t be much of an 80s action movie worth its salt if Cliff and Janet didn’t rekindle some of their more amorous connections and sure enough it doesn’t disappoint. Cliff has some other friends in Las Palmas, namely the American Bailey (Royal Dano) who operates out of the local Las Palmas whorehouse. Reyes is not without his henchman, the German duo of Klausmann and Wilhelm are simultaneously evil and inept. Throw in local Las Palmas government head honcho, Gen. Lujan (Rodolfo Ranni) and his unscrupulous police force, and Cocaine Wars has quite the cast of characters that are ready to explode at any time.

• Blowback – Cliff has had enough of working undercover with Reyes and sets a plan in motion to take down both Reyes and the corrupt Lujan. Of course, an action movie wouldn’t be any fun if everything went according to plan, and Cocaine Wars is no exception. Janet messes up Cliff’s plans in her desire to get the scoop on the Reyes story alerting the drug lord of Cliff’s scheme. For her error, Janet gets kidnapped by Reyes. Lujan finds out about Cliff trying to take him down and Lujan kidnaps Cliff which is good news if you wanted to see John Schneider get tortured… especially if you wanted to see John Schneider get his nipples electrocuted.

• Rush Rush – The climax for Cocaine Wars is when the movie becomes a lot of fun. I won’t surprise the ending, but it should be no surprise that Cliff escapes his captures and is required to save the day. There is some fine stunt driving on a car chase on the side of very high cliff, but the ultimate action comes during an all out assault on the Reyes compound. All of Cliff’s allies help him out and the motley crew make for a team that the audience can root for.

Cocaine Wars is an entertaining action film that is not particularly unique or noteworthy… with one big exception, John Schneider.  Cocaine Wars was one of the first movies after John Schneider’s successful run as Bo Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard and he brought that good time, down home, free wheeling attitude to Cliff Adams. John Schneider is the reason to watch Cocaine Wars and the cocksure Cliff Adams could come across unlikeable in the hands of another actor. John Schneider could never crack the bigtime lead action star, but don’t let that stop you from watching Cocaine Wars. If John Schneider is not enough for you and are looking for a bump, I have a line of Bonus Bullet Points to satisfy your addictions.

• In Unity and Freedom – Cocaine Wars was one of the many Argentine/American films produced by the legendary Roger Corman. Héctor Olivera directed Cocaine Wars, one of five films for Roger Corman.
• The Sport of Kings – I love a movie that has time to show a polo match.
• Words to Live By – “I never run over a good looking broad. It’s against my religion.”
• If You Ever Wanted… – to see Royal Dano grab a woman right in the lady bits and exclaim it’s the best phone booth in Las Palmas then Cocaine Wars is for you.
• Meta Poster – Janet has a poster on her bulletin board that has the Cocaine Wars logo on it.
• Best Hooker Insult – “Nobody has asked for you since 1962, Chica.”
• Shouldn’t Be the Last Line of the Movie Quote but It Is Quote – “You look like shit.”