Bullet Points: Kong: Skull Island
I feel like I just watched a new King Kong movie a few years ago with Jack Black and Adrien Brody. Remember that? The things I recall best about that film is that it was super long and that Naomi Watts is a gorgeous woman. Neither of those things seem to be the case with this most recent iteration of Kong so let’s just see what we’re working with here.
Synopsis: After the Vietnam war, a team of scientists explore an uncharted island in the Pacific, venturing into the domain of the mighty Kong, and must fight to escape a primal Eden.
- WW2: The film opens with both and American and Japanese pilot crashing on a mysterious island. You probably guessed it, it’s Skull Island! The two men attempt to kill each other for a few minutes until they are rudely interrupted by a gargantuan Ape-like creature.
- Tom Hiddleston and the rest of the Crew: Fast forward to the 70’s and it is time for some scientists led by John Goodman and his Monarch friends to get the government to fund a trip to the island. They get some Cav Scouts to haul them there and a former SAS guy named Conrad (Tom Hiddleston) to lead them through the island jungles. Why does he make a good guide? Who knows? He has obviously never been to the island and while you can assume he’s a survival expert from his time in the SAS I can’t exactly say why he makes for a good fit here.
- Storm island: The island is totally surrounded by a perpetual storm system that has helped to keep it hidden all these years. The island also stays hidden partially because it has been protected by King Kong and a plethora of other killers just bopping around. The helicopters flown by Samuel L. Jackson’s Packard and his underlings grit their teeth and fly straight through the storm.
- Developing: I wish I could say that the soldiers that ride along with the research team are interesting guys but that would be a big fat lie. In fact, Samuel L. Jackson was probably the only one that made any impression on me whatsoever. He’s obviously channeling his best Marlon Brando-Col. Kurtz to bring Packard a little something that makes him stand out. The other members of the team are as boring as you could possibly make them. Tom Hiddleston barely has any lines and he and Brie Larson (yeah, she’s in this too!) have about as much charisma as the little couple on top of my wedding cake.
- Spinning wheels: Kong appears and messes their shit up. All of the choppers get taken down in a pretty cool scene that happens far too early in their expedition. There are actually quite a few helicopters for him to smash and he takes out a bunch of people with it. All of the main cast survive, of course, and begin to make their way to a central location to attempt extraction.
- Who to cheer for: The film clearly tells us that Kong is only protecting the island and that he attacked the choppers because he saw them as a threat. That wouldn’t mean shit to me if I were there and I don’t really understand why Hiddleston and Co. care one iota. They just watched a bunch of their comrades get killed and then they run into the American pilot from the beginning just chilling in a village of natives. Sure, his English is still perfect after 30 years of not communicating with it but it’s hard to hate anything that John C. Reilly does even if his script may have been written with crayons.
- Demon lizard kings: Despite sounding like a metal band I created on Rock Band back in college, the demon lizard kings I’m talking about are actually the main baddies on Skull Island that King Kong and his family have been fighting against for some time. They eventually emerge from wherever they were hiding from and the mega-lizard guy fights against Kong in big video-game battle. I think the CGI always looked great throughout the film but I just didn’t care much about anything that was happening because I had nothing invested in the characters. To be honest, there is absolutely nothing at stake in this film. If Kong had been killed (SPOILER ALERT, he wasn’t) then the lizards would have still just been on the same island they were on before. Am I supposed to worry about the half dozen characters I know nothing about or the village of people whom I’ve seen at a distance and who don’t use spoken language?
The Verdict: While sometimes entertaining, Skull Island is one of those movies that you walk out of and totally forget you’ve watched 2 months later. None of the characters do or say anything memorable and the only good thing I can say about it as a film is that it looks really cool on screen. You would be hard-pressed to find a film where so many of the characters are this poorly written and where the Col. Kurtz-like character that Samuel L. Jackson plays is the most empathetic of the bunch. There are definitely worse movies out there but this is such a massive miss in terms of how much was invested in it that I can’t picture how the in-universe sequel to this takes place over 40 years later. The movie probably has a good soundtrack but that’s only because Jordan Vogt-Roberts recorded his local classic rock station and then played about 12 of those songs in the background during the movie. Just watch the 70’s version of Kong. You’ll like it much better.
