What Not To Watch: Alien Private Eye

1989’s Alien Private Eye is the type of movie you are either going to love or you are going to hate.

I would have thrown in the third option that it could also be a movie you love to hate, but according to the Delilah character in Alien Private Eye, every love-hate relationship is really a hate-hate relationship, so I took that option off the table and as you continue reading you’ll find you may want to take Alien Private Eye off your watchlist.

• From the Planet Styx: The star of Alien Private Eye is Nikki Fastinetti aka Nikki Hill aka Nick Hill aka Nicholas Hill. Hill plays Lemro, an alien who has traveled to Earth from the planet Styx and started his own private investigation business… making him the titular alien private eye. I am quite familiar with the work of Nick Hill and I know from experience that he does well in small supporting roles (like Fists of Iron) but when he has a bigger role (like Raw Target) or in this case starring role, it is an uphill battle. Based on his wardrobe, it looked like Lemro stopped by an Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quiñones garage sale when he arrived on Earth. Rumor has it that Lemro would eventually sell his hat to “Mambo Number 5” crooner Lou Bega, but I digress.

• Damsel in Distress: We get to see Lemro in action when he comes to the aid of Rene… a young woman who is about to be mugged in an alley by a bunch of thugs who are looking for one half of a disc that Rene has come in possession of. Lemro engages in some hand to hand combat with the bad guys, eventually causing them to run off. After Lemro saves Rene, he takes her back to his place and cranks up his stereo and starts busting a move in his living room… but the dancing doesn’t stop there as Lemro and Rene decide to go a dance club… but first Lemro has to call his stereotypical California surfer dude friend Rob (played by rookie actor, Nur Nur Cummings) to cancel their plans for the evening and mention the beautiful woman with the “major league yabos” he had met. At the club, the same thugs who were after Rene show up and we get to see Lemro in action once again… but this time in addition to fisticuffs, Lemro starts shooting baddies.
• Major League: Rene is not forthcoming with Lemro about why these bad guys are after her, but after saving her life twice in a day she decides to go back to Lemro’s place and show him her appreciation. Rene also shows the world her aforementioned “major league yabos”. We then see Lemro on top of her… still wearing his hat… when Rene takes it off, she reveals his Vulcan like alien ears, but apparently she was too far along in the process for her to call off the fornication, so she lets him finish up. When he’s done, Rene has some words of praise for him and seems to have genuinely enjoyed her intergalactic sex . But then the morning after when it sinks in that she just bumped uglies with an extraterrestrial she freaks out and leaves… I am guessing here as it really made no sense, especially since Lemro is the only reason she is still alive and she still has the bad guys after her.

• Kilgore Was Here: The bad guys are led by a man named Kilgore… Kilgore took his position of power with force and plans on becoming rich beyond his wildest dreams by manufacturing an alien designer drug that is more addictive than cocaine or heroin. The drug known as “soma” was banned from the Planet Styx, but somehow the disc that was used to manufacture the drug fell from the sky and landed on earth. And somehow, a street hood like Kilgore was smart enough to understand the advanced alien technology behind the disc (note: this is track and field style discus, jet black in color with silver enscriptions in an alien language). Where Kilgore was having issues was the fact that the disc broke into two parts… and since Rene has one part and she is essentially holding up production, she has become a prime target.

Alien Private Eye has everything working against it. Poor performances by inexperienced actors and a script that leaves a lot to be desired. My experience was further hampered with viewing a poor quality version off YouTube (hence the pictures in this post), although I can’t imagine at this point there is such a thing as a high quality version of Alien Private Eye in existence.

All these factors are what makes Alien Private Eye the perfect movie for people who love bad movies, but for those who don’t it would probably be looked at as an abomination.

Fortunately for bad movie lovers and good movie lovers, everybody can enjoy some Bonus Bullet Points…

• False Advertising: “Non-Stop Action” is a bit of a stretch aside from a few fight scenes early on and a car chase late in the movie that features a flipping car and a collision that leads to an explosion, there’s a lot of downtime until we see Lemro break out the wrist lasers!
• Familiar Face: Kilgore’s right hand man Scunge was played by Robert Axelrod of Death Wish IV: The Crackdown fame and Beyond Fear infamy. Like Nick Hill, Axelrod is best in small doses and there was way too much Axelrod in this movie for my tastes. But speaking of Hill and Axelrod…
• If You Ever: …wanted to see Nick Hill shoot off Robert Axelrod’s ear, then this is the movie for you.
• Classic Quote: “Eat lead and die!” – Kilgore
• If You Ever: …wanted to see a bad guy spit poison in the face of a priest (poison he had stored inside a false tooth), then this is the movie for you.
• Job Placement: Lemro is visited by Scama, another alien who has traveled from Styx (he’s an agent with the Styx version of the FBI). Scama could have easily gotten some voice work on The Ren & Stimpy show if his whole intergalactic crime fighting career didn’t work out.