No Surrender Cinema: Survival Island
No Surrender Cinema’s Summer Vacation rolls on with more tropical turmoil! Last month we followed Irene Cara on a journey to find out what it would be like to be Caged in Paradiso, and this month we’re taking a crash course on what it takes to stay alive miles from civilization. Get ready for more shenanigans from people stranded, as we wash up on the shores of Survival Island!
Not to be confused with Pinata: Survival Island, which is an early 2000’s horror movie about a killer pinata (I’m not kidding), our subject matter of the month stars Billy Zane, his girlfriend at the time Kelly Brook, and Juan Pablo Di Pace. There are others in the cast, but don’t worry about getting attached to them, because (spoiler alert), none of them wind up making it to the island. These three will be the glue… er, Scotch tape that holds this movie together for the next ninety minutes, as we embark on a tawdry tale of tension that results in each of our main characters going to extreme lengths to, well, survive.
Jack (Zane) and Jane (Brook) are a couple heading off on an ocean excursion with some friends. While boarding the yacht, the group witness a member of the crew, Manuel, get into a heated argument with his girlfriend. Everyone watches with concern as Manuel berates his ex and even slaps her, but when Jack tries to jump in, the captain tells him it’s better to not get involved. Once on board, Manuel is clearly miffed by his servant status, and only seems happy when he’s making eyes at Jane. Unfortunately for him, she’s perfectly happy with her husband, and even more unfortunately he has to listen to them having sex in their cabin. Oh, and extra unfortunately for him, his ex is apparently some type of voodoo priestess who at that exact same time is dancing around and casting a spell on him… except for some reason Jack is the one that “sees” her as he’s doing the dirty with Jane.
The next day, Manuel’s shitty attitude finally forces the captain’s hand, and he’s told he’s being let go once they get to the next port. Manuel storms out and tosses a rag aside in disgust, but that simple act starts the fire that engulfs the entire yacht. Next thing you know, Jane’s treading water and winds up on an island. The captain’s body washes up next, and he won’t be of any help since she can’t resuscitate him. Don’t worry, because here comes Manuel to make things awkward. We already know he’s a pretty shitty human being since he hits women and doesn’t seem to care about their feelings, but the way he looks at Jane constantly should land him on a particular registry. Jane seems oblivious to the potential danger she could be in, but at least for now, she makes due with Manuel’s help.
As fate would have it, while Manuel is out searching for food, he comes across Jack’s body. Jack is banged up and sunburned, but still alive. This makes Jane very happy and Manuel even more frustrated. It’s clear he doesn’t like Jack but now he’s the odd man out. Jack doesn’t trust Manuel and can see he has designs on his wife, even if Jane is too oblivious to it. Manuel begrudgingly helps the couple out and they try to establish some type of alliance, but being cockblocked on a deserted island is only adding to his inner rage. The final straw comes when Jack takes Manuel’s goggles so he can go catch some fish for food. Manuel flies into a rage, Jane tries to stop him, and he essentially starts sexually assaulting her until she actually gives in and has sex on the beach with him.
Yup, definitely belongs on the registry.
As far as I’m concerned, a quasi-rape over stolen goggles should top the list of Shittiest Things Ever Done, but not here on Survival Island. Just when you think that Manuel is some deviant that might be out to harm Jack and Jane, Jane’s demeanor suddenly changes. Realizing that she somewhat enjoyed her not so romantic rendezvous with Manuel, she suddenly morphs into an uber-vixen who uses her allure for ulterior motives. Jack, who is not so slowly losing his sanity, banishes her from their makeshift hut once he realizes what happened (as opposed to rushing to the defense of his wife, who was technically assaulted). Naturally, sleazy Manuel welcomes her with open arms and promises her that they’ll get off the island and leave Jack for dead. She even helps him antagonize Jack further by having sex with him in the water where Jack can see them. So, if you’re keeping score, we’re now watching the three shittiest people in the world try to navigate their way off of a deserted island. Take your pick of who you hate the most; Manuel the rapey raper who started the whole thing, Jack who is on the fast track to a mental breakdown (the man made sunglasses out of f*cking leaves and stared creepily at Manuel and Jane dancing in a hilarious visual), or Jane, who went from despondent heroine to master manipulator in no time flat.
Although no guns or weapons caches were discovered, there is some action amid all the tension. Jack and Manuel brawl when Jack first arrives on the island, and Manuel busts out some stick fighting moves to keep him at bay. We get a scene of sabotage, as Jack fixes up the damaged dingy that washed up with them in hopes of escape, but it winds up being a trap to try and get Jane and Manuel to drown. After Jane and Manuel survive their second sinking ship of the movie, Jack says “enough of this shit” and hurls a makeshift spear into Manuel’s back. Jack doesn’t finish the job, but instead ties Jane up and goes full on Lord of the Flies(complete with a leafy headband and makeshift camo that would help him blend in with the weirdo tribes over on Paradiso Island). Manuel makes the save, but Warrior Jack is now stalking him and Jane around the island. Not only that, but Manuel starts feeling the effects of the curse that was placed on him way back in the beginning, as Voodoo Ex-Girlfriend is back at it, engaging in her Santeria dance recital of revenge.
No, she didn’t use her powers to magically appear on the island, but after what’s been days (maybe weeks) of these three being stuck, you’d think her curse would have taken hold. Though since it only takes effect when she’s doing her little dance, maybe she caught a cramp early on and had to rest up a bit. Whatever the reason, Mama Shango here is back with a vengeance, contributing to the demise of her one time lover. This leave just Jack and Jane, and a flash forward shows that Jack, who was 110% going to kill his wife mere minutes ago in this film, was now apparently living civilly with her. As luck would have it for Jane, she’s awakened by people whose ship has stopped at the island. They take her on board and get her food and a blanket, and she makes no mention of Jack or Manuel. The last thing we see is what she sees…Jack popping up from the water where he’s been scavenging for more fish and giving her an “oh you rascal” fist shake as she sails back to civilization.
I have a strange relationship with Survival Island. It’s not a particularly good movie, but for whatever reason, I can’t get enough of it. I’m captivated by its insanity and incoherency. Like, why was it that Jack could see Voodoo Lady in the beginning? Did the evil spirits dial a wrong number? And why wouldn’t her curse take effect sooner, like maybe when it could have PREVENTED A SEXUAL ASSAULT? These questions will remain forever unanswered, and don’t become any clearer on repeated viewings.
Wait a minute, Chris… did you say repeated viewings? You bet your ass I did. For one thing, this movie is unavoidable. That could be because it’s ALWAYS ON. That’s not hyperbole either. For the last decade plus, this movie has popped up at least once a week on either the Showtime or The Movie Channel blocks on cable. As a matter of fact, based on it’s current cable status, it’s available on Showtime On Demand until 2022. Maybe they’re pushing for a 20 year run and trying to break some type of record. I’ll have to do some research on that. I have a feeling I’ll be the only one who ever has.
To me, late night cable will always be the home of classics like The Bikini Carwash Company and Beach Babes From Beyond, but since cable formats shifted more towards blockbuster programming and ditched the low budget late nights, Survival Island is the closest thing to a late night cult favorite we’ve got. Kelly Brook is fantastic to look at, but not much of an actress; it’s ok though, because her lack of ability is balanced by Billy Zane’s overacting! The man chews the scenery like bubble gum and is by far the best part of the movie not named Kelly Brook’s Breasts. Speaking of Zane, how many “incident at sea” movies is this guy gonna do? His breakout in Dead Calm (bad guy on a boat), his tour de force in Titanic (bad guy on a boat that sinks), and his insanity in Survival Island (nice guy on a boat that sinks who becomes bad guy on an island) make him a liability for any cruise ship. Royal Caribbean probably has posters of him plastered up on cabin doors like you’d see in an old Western.
It also seems like ol’ Billy wasn’t satisfied with the final print of Survival Island, because he and Brook tried unsuccessfully to get her racier scenes removed from the movie. As you can see, that was an epic fail on their part, probably because the producers knew that giving in to those demands would have made them lucky to have this movie land on Lifetime. There are definitely times where you should pull a power play in Hollywood, but I’m not sure that wasting it on Survival Island is the right place.
Survival Island (also known as Three in some areas) might be a bad movie, but I can’t tell you to skip it. I want everyone reading this that hasn’t seen it to experience this oddity for themselves. In fact, I’m going to encourage you to watch it to see just how batshit it is. Go ahead and seek it out on cable (you won’t have to look for long, trust me), or go all the way and get it on DVD. You may not feel the magnetic pull towards it that I’ve felt from it since the mid-00’s, but if you’re a fan of late night cable cinema, you might take away some enjoyment from it. This movie is a beautiful disaster, chock full of bad acting, a great set of boobs, and the most unlikable cast since the Kardashian family got a TV show. I’ve told you what you’re getting into…now see if you can survive it.
