Bullet Points: Steel Frontier
How much time should we be spending preparing for the post-apocalypse? I can’t turn my TV on without seeing 19 programs taking place after the world collapses but I so rarely have “real-life” discussions about what to do that I feel a bit unprepared. I suppose I could have a larger collections of guns/ammo? Maybe not Arnold’s shed from Commando or anything but it might be nice to put together a little something for when my city somehow turns into a desert and the guys from Mad Max show up to loot. I dunno…maybe I’ll do some more research on the topic. Where did I put that Commando bluray?
Synopsis: In a post-apocalyptic 2019, a lone gunman named Yuma (Joe Lara) fights a gang of bandits called the United Regime who have invaded the town of New Hope.
- Death Riders: Either newly renamed pro wrestler Jon Moxley came up with it himself or he is secretly a massive fan of Steel Frontier. Maybe Chris the Brain can ask him? This film picks up in a small town in the middle of a desert-future where everything sucks. The town is pretty sad and it only gets worse when the Death Riders show up and start killing and pillaging to no end.
- Never move to “New Hope”: Note to self: do not move to any town called “New Hope”. There is destined to be nothing but suffering there. If you must, just move in with the cave-dwelling cannibals. Better luck there.
- Yuma mad bro: Joe Lara appears as Yuma looking like a Western Jesus. He has a run in with the cave cannibals and then gets captured by the Death Riders and taken back to the shit-hole town of New Hope. Maybe I haven’t seen the best of Lara yet but I just can’t understand why anyone gave him the greenlight to be the star of this movie. There must be something about him that PM Entertainment saw and I would like for them to send me the details of their decision making process so I can gauge just how insane they are.
- Join us if you want: Yuma duels with the bad guys privileged son and then gets initiated into the Death Rider. Yay? Dumb move on their part. At no point does he represent the same ideals that they adhere to as an organization; raping, stealing, and killing. I guess they gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t live long enough to regret it fully.
- Brion James in the house: Briefly, that is. I only watched the movie because I saw Brion James was in it and was very disappointed to find out he only spends about 10 minutes on screen. Bummer! He plays the leader of the Death Riders who is conveniently off doing other things why his son and #2 Bo Svenson (traitor!) allow his crew to be infiltrated and destroyed from within.
- Please tell me the action is great: Sorry, Lara isn’t impressive in any portion of this movie. He finally gets into it with a bunch of the Death Riders and blasts them down without issue before throwing down with horror legend Kane Hodder. The ending of the movie snuck up on me as my third rum and coke was kicking in and I hardly remember the finish to the movie. I accept no responsibility for that, however, since the film already had me bored to death.
Bonus Bullet Points probably won’t even help this mood:
- I love that the movie takes place in 2019 but shows no real future stuff at all. It was released 24 years earlier so it’s not too far into the future but they could have at least thrown in a Nerf gun painted to look real.
- There were so many explosions in this movie that I half expected someone to drop a pen and it to blow up the building.
- The savages come after Bo Svenson but he beats them like children. Children who he then kills by breaking their necks and choking them to death.
The Verdict: Dammit PM Entertainment. I thought this was gonna be one of those movies that was so bad it would be good. Instead, it was just bad. I’ve seen good movies with an IMDB rating of 4.8 before but this one is probably rated too high. Lara sucked as the hero. He had no charisma and none of his lines really made me go, “Hell yeah!” A good fight scene here and there could have helped him or just have him not say anything at all. Brion James was nowhere to be found, either. They could have gotten around that by having a mega henchman for Lara to take on but they instead had Bo Svenson change sides and then James’ kid was a real douche. No matter, it was all bad. Skip this movie and work on your end of the world go-bag instead. I recommend you get some more batteries…
