What Not To Watch: Christmas Rush

Christmas is the time for giving, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good to get some presents. There are two things that most people don’t want to get for Christmas. One is something that you already have. It is a pain to feign interest when opening and then having to find a way to return or exchange for something better. An even worse thing to do leads to the second thing that most people don’t want to receive and that is a re-gifted item. I wonder if the gifter is expecting me to be happy with something that they were not happy receiving. Who would have guessed, but action movies do the same thing. We have all seen Die Hard and the numerous Die Hard clones, so why did the producers of the 2002 film Christmas Rush think that putting a Christmas skin on Die Hard would make us happy. It is a movie we are all familiar with and seen in countless iterations. However, I am no better because I have watched it and instead of burying it away into the depths of my mind I have decided to give it to all of you in the form of What Not To Watch Christmas Rush. Sorry, all sales are final.

• Chicago, Canada – Christmas Rush is a Die Hard clone with the action taking place inside of the most exclusive shopping center in Chicago during the busiest shopping time of the year, the aptly titled Christmas rush. Christmas Eve happens to have the largest deposit set for all of the shops and all the cash will be ripe for the picking. This all sounds exciting, but the shopping center that is supposedly Chicago Place was filmed at Portage Place in Winnipeg, Manitoba (which means it is probably a shopping centre). Like you wouldn’t think that the audience wasn’t going to recognize the Edmonton Court Clock, c’mon Christmas Rush.

• Corny Name – Dean Cain plays the hilariously name Chicago P.D. officer Cornelius Morgan which has to be reference to Yukon Cornelius. Christmas Rush really wants you to believe it is set in Chicago because they give Morgan the most Windy Citiest stereotype partner they could find in Rajinksy. Morgan and Rajinksy stop a crime happening in Chinatown which involves one of the bad guys taking his shirt off for no reason… or I guess the reason was so he could do his stereotypical martial arts. Morgan accidentally shoots a bystander and gets suspended from the force. This means hard times at home with his wife Cat (Erika Eleniak, Stealth Fighter). 
• What a Surprise – While at a Christmas recital for his daughter, Morgan spots former thief Jimmy Scalzetti played by Eric Roberts. As if having Eric Roberts already doesn’t signal bad guy, and with a name like Jimmy Scalzetti screaming bad guy, Christmas Rush goes one further by having Eric Roberts creepily give a kid thumbs up during the concert. My skin is crawling just thinking about that scene. While talking with Morgan, Scalzetti meets Cat (don’t see that random introduction being important later) and Rajinsky gives him a hard time (don’t see that confrontation being important later especially because Rajinksy was at the recital for… reasons).

• Mall Hard – Cat is working at a Chicago Place jewelry store on Christmas Eve when Morgan decides he should go apologize to her for an earlier tiff and leaves his children at home on Christmas Eve. It is a good decision for the action portion of the movie because Morgan spots Scalzetti and his crew and the mall is soon locked down with the bad guys having some hostages, with one being Cat (oh, so that innocuous meeting was important) and only Morgan able to stop the robbery. Does Morgan call the police? No, and yes he has a cell phone. In fact Morgan does not call 911 until nearly 80 minutes into the movie, and at that point he is underground and gets no reception. Morgan did call his partner Rajinksy, but if don’t believe that Rajinksy was working with Scalzetti all along you are a fool.
• Chrismaction – Christmas Rush does provide some action, but is mainly Morgan taking out one bad guy at a time and then rinse and repeat. All the bad guys had to do was come at him all at once and he would have been outnumbered, but many of the action set pieces were entertaining with lots of peril for Morgan. In fact, Morgan was one of the bright spots for Christmas Rush because Dean Cain is a very likable in the role. Eric Roberts is understated as Scalzetti and I applaud him for not going over the top. It was disappointing the Eleniak was mostly a damsel in distress especially with her Die Hard clone background in Under Siege, but she does so some guts in Christmas Rush. While most of the action is nothing outstanding, there is a go kart getaway in the tunnels underneath Chicago Place and as stupidly awesome as it sounds, it was (just like the rest of the movie) meh.

Christmas Rush is not the movie you should be watching during Christmas or any other time of the year because you have already seen it, this one just has more baubles. In the spirit of the season, one thing you can do is share Christmas Rush to a loved one because everybody loves to get a gift of something they already have and you can specifically give them this What Not to Watch because everybody loves a regifted present. I am pretty sure that is what I said in the opening. Either way, I know everybody will enjoy some What Not to Watch Christmas Rush Bonus Bullet Points under the tree.

• Also Known As – You might find Christmas Rush as the generically titled Breakaway which removes the one unique thing about the movie.
• Best Chicago Quote – “The only thing square in this town is roller derby and wrestling.”
• Second Best Chicago Quote – “Kiss my dupa.”
• Worst Mall Santa – Santa takes his beard off and takes a swig from his flask no less than two seconds after a kid gets off his lap. All that kid would have had to do was turn around and some lush would have ruined her Christmas.
• Best Chicago Cameo – The cardboard cutout of Dick Butkus nearly stole the show for me.
• Best ‘Give it to ‘em’ Quote – “The Spice Girls are so five minutes ago.
• Worst Use of Resources – I want to know how many Chicago patrol cars are driving around with three officers in the car. Yes, that means that one is riding in the back.