Bullet Points: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

When people know that you write about action movies they feel the need to tell you about their favorites on a nearly daily basis. That is probably a major drag for lots of folk who do similar work but I absolutely love it. It gives me the chance to hear about movies that I may have missed over the years and it allows me the opportunity to sometimes tell them they’re remarkably stupid! A work friend claims Hansel & Gretel is loads of fun. Let’s see which side of the spectrum he landed.

Synopsis: Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

• Let’s start the show: The film jumps right into the Hansel and Gretel that we’re all familiar with; a witch captures a couple of kids in her little cottage and prepares to cook them up. But these kids aren’t no punk bitches! They are neither scared nor helpless. They team up against the witch and learn that fire kills witches pretty easily.
• Witch beat-down: Even though the grown up versions of H & G are badass legends at killing witches, they still get the hell beat out of them by every witch that we see on screen. It probably adds something to the film that they aren’t yet great at killing them but it also makes for fun action sequences.

• An edge: The movie really felt to me like the Hugh Jackman-led Van Helsing but with an edge. The characters cursed, the witches got tortured and killed, and non-essential characters got their heads blown off. Oh yeah, the scene that told me this wasn’t your normal film was when Famke Janssen used her witch power to suicide a guy while saying, “I think this place could use a bit of color.” Talk about cold blooded…
• My kind of guy: Hansel and Gretel save a woman early in the film and she turns out to be some sort of good witch who helps them in their quest. It also helps that Hansel and the good witch do the nasty in a healing pond which might just be what I need after this New Years celebration I just had.

• Let’s get serious: We hear about a plot by Famke’s witch Muriel to do all sorts of witch things during this Blood Moon but the film never gets real serious until Peter Stormare’s character and his goons attempt to rape Gretel. Yes, you read that correctly. A fairy tale character was in dire need of help to protect herself from a lawman and his men and their private parts. Luckily, a troll comes along and beats them to death. Enough is enough, guys.

• Finish it: The film doesn’t do anything that will surprise you. You won’t be surprised by the action setpieces mostly set in the forests and in the small village. You also won’t be surprised when the finale turns the bollocks (thanks OSW Review) up to 11 and adds in all sorts of crazy action. I really enjoyed the good witch/bad witch dynamic as it reminded me of a sexy Wizard of Oz movie that I’ve always asked for.

Let’s see how these Bonus Bullet Points stack up:

• Jeremy Renner and Arterton are supposed to be close in age but he’s actually 15 years older than her in real life.
• The film begins and ends in the same home.
• The release of the film was postponed because they needed Jeremy Renner to film the post credits scene.
• Has a respectable 6.1 IMDB score.

The Verdict: I had plenty of fun watching Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and I’m surprised we never got another one starring these two. Gemma Arterton is an absolutely gorgeous woman and Renner plays essentially the same guy he always plays but in a “there’s no reason to dislike me” kind of way. The fairy tale nature of the characters means you could have had a massive Universe to pick from since that is all these studios look for these days. The action is fun and the story never detracts from what the viewer is waiting to see next. I picked it up for $4 at a Big Lots and I recommend you do the same.