Bullet Points: Private Wars
In case you missed it, one of the most entertaining (and educational) reviews at Bulletproof Action is The Ultimate PM Entertainment Countdown (and its companion piece PM Entertainment’s Honorable Mentions). The Countdown took some of the premier PM Entertainment experts and fans to give a glimpse of the top films of an action movie powerhouse. While I did provide my two cents for some of the films I have watched, I enjoyed learning about and then watching films I have never seen as it piqued my interest to watch more PM. As thorough as both lists are, there is one glaring omission and that is Steven Railsback in 1993’s Private Wars. Any man that can be part of Cannon’s Honorable Mentions (Lifeforce) at least deserves to be on a PM Entertainment list. Luckily for the powers that be at Bulletproof Action and you, I have been on a PM Entertainment deep dive and just so happen to have some very public Bullet Points for Private Wars.
- That Old PM Feeling – Private Wars knows how to hook the audience from the start. Picture night time on Hollywood Blvd. with a glut of hookers, drug dealers and miscreants and one bad ass cop in a leather jacket and you have the beginning of Private Wars. That cop happens to be Jack Manning (Steve Railsback, Nukie) and he manages to witness successful businessman Alexander Winters (Stuart Whitman) paying off police captain Carpenter (Michael Champion, Total Recall). Manning decides to do the good cop thing, but the bad cops who are on the take frame Manning, that is not before Manning tries to lose the cops as he speeds off in his van. The PM gold includes a cop hanging on the front of the van, driving on the sidewalk, running over an occupied fruit stand (at 2 AM mind you), smashing cop cars, explosions, and flipping the van that has to be at least 30 feet in the air which Manning walks away from with only a few scratches. And then cut to a time jump eight years in the future.
- Gang Related – A once peaceful neighborhood is now under attack by roving gangs that have a penchant for roundhouse kicking random people in the face. As an aside, the roundhouse kicking game is strong in Private Wars. One gang gets kicked out of Ben’s Grocery Store by Ben (Brian Patrick Clarke) and Mo Williams (Dan Tullis, Jr.). Of course, Ben ends up paying with his life after the gang comes back at night and blows him up along with his store. It turns out that Winters is funding the gangs to drive the residents out so he can buy up the land to develop for his own gains. Winters now has Chief Carpenter in his pocket as the police stay completely out of the neighborhood . Mo teams up with Ben’s sister Ronnie (Holly Floria, Acapulco H.E.A.T.) and the rest of the residents, including Mr. Mendoza (Michael DeLano, Commando) to hire someone to clean out the gangs. Mo happens to remember his old friend Jack Manning and Jack is back!
- Jack’s Off The Rails – After the trouble eight years prior Jack ends up as a private eye, but his real skill is the liquor and we get plenty of opportunities to see that boozin doesn’t stop Jack from kicking ass. Steve Railsback is not the first person that comes to my mind when I think of ass kickers, but dammit if Jack in his leather jacket and slightly unhinged smile isn’t the baddest man in every scene. That would explain how Jack is able to catch the eye of Ronnie which gives Private Wars a Jack/Ronnie love making scene cut in with a scene of Mo getting the snot beat out of him. God bless PM Entertainment. If that is not enough for you, Private Wars has at least three montages, one with the gangs terrorizing the neighborhood (with another fruit stand getting demolished) and another montage featuring Jack sobering up and getting off the liquor. The best (and most racist) montage was the neighborhood interview for the mercenary and if you like ninjas, guys who shoot up a church, a guy in a pair of speedos, a belching fat guy, a dwarf, a goth chick and an old timer, than you will love it.
- Winter is Coming – Winters is not going to let his goal of redeveloping the neighborhood, and all his monetary gain that will come with it, go away. He has Carpenter offer the residents some money to leave, and they of course decline. They decline so vigorously that Jack gets arrested. I have never been so happy to see someone get arrested because the holding cell he gets thrown into has Art Camacho, Vince Murdocco (L.A. Wars) and John Salvitti. After Murdocco and Salvitti beat up Camacho they try to pick a fight with Jack and he of course kicks their ass and they become fast friends. The friendship comes in handy when Winters sends his best crew, led by his right hand man Obata (James Lew, 18 Fingers of Death!), in an all out final fight.
Private Wars might not be the first PM Entertainment you think of, and according to Bulletproof Action it isn’t even in the top 20. I am here to tell you that it has all the characteristics and faces you have come to love about PM Entertainment. From the opening van flipping 30 feet in the air, to the end fight featuring Steve Railsback, James Lew, Vince Murdocco, et al. you will be entertained during Private Wars tight 86 minute run time. If you want any more reasons to watch Private Wars I have decided to provide some Private Wars Bonus Bullet Points because it is time for you to go, just don’t go away mad.
- Not Me Too Quote – “We’re not ladies, we’re whores.”
- Maybe They’d Still Be Open Quote – “Attention K-Mart shoppers. Blue light special on aisle 12… body bags.”
- Undercover – Be on the lookout for Lorenzo Lamas on a television screen from the PM movie C.I.A. Code Name: Alexa.
- Makes Sense – Private Wars was co-written by Ken Lamplugh, who also wrote C.I.A. Code Name: Alexa. Aha!
- Pretty Helpless Quote – “This guy couldn’t find his dick with both hands.”
