Action Fashionista: How to Dress Like Your Favorite Action Hero

I don’t have what some might call a “stylish wardrobe”. I’ve been wearing the same shirts for about 15 years and my pants haven’t been washed since I accidentally sliced my hand open on that coffee mug and got blood all over them 6 weeks ago. I keep it simple. That’s why I got the idea to write this piece on some of my favorite action hero fashion ensembles. They keep telling me that “Not all heroes wear capes”, which is dumb as hell because I couldn’t tell you one real person who actually wears a cape. When it comes to fake people, however, who better to look to for advice then men who have literally saved the world while looking cool. Let’s take a peek a few of the absolute best in the biz at looking fly!

The Terminator– Michael Biehn and his sweet threads

Michael Biehn in The Terminator may look cool and bag the girl but let’s not forget that he stole those clothes from an old homeless dude who probably had piss all over himself. Then, in true “That’s super gross” fashion, had sex time with the mother of the world’s savior. You can’t tell me that his junk didn’t smell like a dumpster outside of a Golden Corral in SW Texas in the summertime. A duster jacket is pure badass if you’re trying to save the day and win the ladies but do us all a favor and wash your balls before you slam them up against Linda Hamilton’s bare ass.

First Blood – Sylvester Stallone’s tarp game is strong

You may not catch him walking the runway or cruising the red carpet in this getup but Sly Stallone broke out the budgeted duster in First Blood when he cut up this random tarp he found and made himself some outdoor wear. It’s certainly functional and it fits in with the aesthetic of the Pacific Northwest but you’re more likely to see that sort of thing in a vintage store in Seattle than on someone’s person these days. I can bet you that thing smelled like molded ass when he put it on and I’m only hoping that he has it vacuum sealed in his home so he doesn’t have to smell it when he gets up to piss three times in the middle of the night.

Eastern Promises – Viggo Mortensen’s dick hangs loose

Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings united the Elves, Dwarfs, and the Kingdoms of Men in order to fight the scourge of Sauron. Then he stripped his clothes off and fought some Russian gangsters with his tallywhacker flopping around. Eastern Promises has some wild gangster violence in it but never quite comes close to explaining why I had to see Viggo’s balls splattered with fake blood. It’s not really a fashion, per se, but it certainly made a statement when I saw it for the first time and decided that never would I ever go into another Russian bath house without a Glock duct taped to my taint.

On Deadly Ground – Steven Seagal’s native jacket is certainly “unique”

Whatever that jacket is made of needs to be buried. Also, the person who made it. Steven Seagal decided in the early 90’s to all of a sudden be into environmental stuff along with breaking arms. He chose to spew his eco-friendly message while also making a couple of mediocre action films and wearing a bunch of jackets that were worst than smallpox. Seriously. These jackets made the Trail of Tears look like a ride at Six Flags and while I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one, you can probably pick one up at your local shit-hole flea market.

Stone Cold – The Boz dresses like gay AC Slater or Gay-C Slater

Brian Bosworth has plenty of reasons to apologize for his behavior. Bo Jackson steamrolled him in the end zone and cost my dad $75 in a game and then he went and wore this Zubaz getup that is equally embarrassing and un-befitting an action star. You think Chuck Norris would wear this? No way in hell. In fact, I can picture a scenario where you give Chuck a few minutes and he would find a way to turn that lizard into a pair of stretch denim jeans. The Boz wasn’t at a place where he could get away with something this bad and I’m sorry to say that you probably can’t pull it off either.

Everything he’s in – Mark Wahlberg still sucks

Along with the fact that Mark Wahlberg is a useless piece of shit and can’t act, he also wears the same leather jacket/hoodie combo in about 80% of his movies. It’s so bad that I could probably attach 10 photos and you wouldn’t be able to tell his movies apart because he plays the same character in almost every single one of them. No matter, his style can easily be described as “modern douche” as he buys vintage and worn looking leather in an attempt to make himself look hard. He’s not hard. He was an underwear model and eats like my 9 month old baby to keep his figure. Eat shit Wahlberg, you suck!