Bullet Points: Acceleration

I am a Dolph Lundgren loyalist. If you put Dolph Lundgren in a movie, I am going to watch it… I may not enjoy it… but I will watch it.

Those who bank roll direct to video movies, like 2019’s Acceleration, are well aware that there are people in the world like me and they know if they can load up their movie, no matter the quality of the script, with enough stars like a Dolph Lundgren then there’s a good chance they can turn a profit.

• The Premise: Natalie Burn plays Rhona, a mother on a mission. After getting sideways with a gangster named Vladik (Dolph Lundgren, The Punisher) she finds herself forced to take care of some of Vladik’s dirty work. As insurance to make sure Rhona does his bidding, Vladik has kidnapped Rhona’s young son Mika. To add to the drama, Vladik expects Rhona to complete his laundry list of activities which include collecting unpaid debts, procuring a flash drive and blowing up a building (off camera) all in one night. Vladik even has a control room where he can keep track of her progress as she drives around Los Angeles’ underworld.
• Shades of Gray: Rhona is the closest thing to a hero that Acceleration has, but it is obvious from the start that she is no angel herself. But when you compare her to guys like Vladik and Vladik’s chief rival in the Los Angeles underground, Kane (Sean Patrick Flanery, High Moon) and realize Rhona is doing what she is doing to give her son a better life, she’s definitely the lesser of evils.

• Guns, Guns, Guns: The root of the problem between Acceleration’s three main characters (Rhona, Vladik and Kane) is a shipment of guns… guns that belonged to Vladik… guns that Kane wanted to hijack… and guns that Rhona may or may not have ended up with, thus putting her at odds with both of these Los Angeles crime bosses. At least I think that was the root of the problem… the movie was so busy introducing a non-stop parade of characters (most of which were as useless as tits on a bull) that the plot got muddied.
• Least Most Useless Character: The Least Most Useless Character in Acceleration Award goes to Jack. Jack was played by Al Sapienza (Black Water). Jack is a superfluous third crime boss and his main business is the skin trade. Jack wins this award because he manages to get the better of Rhona, stripping her down to her bra and panties and tying her to a bed. After Rhona manages to get free Jack is brutally murdered by her for his actions. Come to think of it… I would like to add Best Death in Acceleration Award to Jack’s list of accolades.
• Reunited: For reasons I am not entirely sure of… Kane shows up at Vladik’s house and Vladik turns over Rhona’s son Mika over to Kane. This becomes more confusing when it is revealed that, SPOILER ALERT, Vladik is Mika’s father… that’s right Vladik and Rhona used to have a thing going on. So with their son in the clutches of Kane… Rhona and Vladik team up one last time to take down Kane and rescue Mika.

For a movie titled Acceleration, it took a long time for Acceleration to get going. And once it did get going, the GPS was on the blink. Honestly there were times while I was watching that I wanted to pump the brakes. But out of loyalty to Dolph, I managed to make it to the end of what was a below average direct to video actioner at best with some genuine B movie star power.

If you are not a huge fan of Dolph Lundgren, Sean Patrick Flanery or Natalie Burn you should probably speed by this one.

And if you are a fan of Bonus Bullet Points you should you should scroll down past Danny Trejo’s mug…

• Familiar Faces: Two of the Los Angeles underworld character Rhona encounters are played by two familiar faces to action fans. First there was Eli played by Quinton “Rampage” Jackson (The A-Team) and second was Santos played by Danny Trejo (Machete), who I believe is in at least 1 out of 3 direct to video action movies… Chuck Lidell (Altitude) plays Hannibal, Kane’s head of secutiy… Last but not least, Sally Kirkland (Best of the Best) plays Betty, a waitress at a diner who serves some words of wisdom to Rhona along with a cup of coffee.
• Critical Quote: “There’s nothing new here, it’s really cliche.” – Jack
• If You Ever: …wanted to see Sean Patrick Flanery spill milk and not cry over it, then Acceleration is the movie for you.
• Fast & Furious: The Fast & Furious inspired opening credits were more of an adrenaline rush than a good chunk of the film.
• Personal Question Quote: “You squirted that out of your dick, didn’t you?” – Kane