Bullet Points: 47 Ronin
Keanu Reeves can do no wrong right now. He made the crazy-awesome John Wick series, and then was spotted with his girlfriend who seems of normal age for a man of his years and people went ape-shit for him. That just shows you how insane people are in Hollywood that dating someone ALMOST your age is unique. Either way, Keanu seems like he’s finally rebounded after years of *issues and now we can all join in on the Keanu love. Oh wait…he also made 47 Ronin!!
Synopsis: A band of samurai set out to avenge the death and dishonor of their master at the hands of a ruthless shogun.
- World building: There should be no need for world building when your film takes place in an actual setting that exists but here we are having to explain things way too much. Another reason we need narration and explanation at the beginning of the film is because this Japan is full of magic and demons. WTF? I would have loved to be in that meeting where some asshat executive asked when they would show the first dragon-lady. Now I’m just waiting for the Braveheart sequel where Robert the Bruce uses his super powers to melt the English cavalry.
- Keanu the savior: We meet a young Keanu after he escapes from whatever life he had. I think he was being raised by the demon weirdos in the forest before he gets taken in as a member of Lord Asano’s crew. Most of the Japanese don’t like him or don’t trust him except for Asano’s daughter who I would describe as “hurtin’ for a squirtin’.” Kai (Reeves) and Mika (Ko Shibasaki) grew up close so they genuinely love each other and it’s not one of those situations where he happens to be the only white guy in town. Still, having your hero being the only white cast member is a bold move in this climate.
- The Shogun: The great Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa shows up as the Shogun Tsunayoshi and we learn that Lord Kira (Tadanobu Asano) is jonesing to start some shit! He sets in motion, mostly through magic, a scenario where Lord Asano commits harakiri and his men are left as ronin while Kira takes over the land and the beautiful daughter Mika. Keanu gets sold as a slave to be seen next fighting in some sort of Japanese fight club and Mika gets a year before she’s to be Kira’s bride.
- The vile ones: So Lord Kira is played by Tadanobu Asano who you may remember from the absolutely crazy Ichi the Killer (2001). He’s been in a ton of movies since but I refuse to acknowledge any other role ahead of this one. It’s that bizarre. He’s far less scary in 47 Ronin. He gets where he’s at mostly because he employs sexy witch Rinko Kikuchi and a giant Silver Samurai looking dude. On his own, though, he’s pretty damned lame.
- Crossing swords: There is a decent amount of slicing and dicing, as you might expect. Keanu gets the bulk of it as he not only fights in the fight club but also kills a giant wildebeest looking thing and whoops some ass in the finale. I love that Keanu is finally getting to make movies he’s passionate about and it’s clear he enjoys the preparation it takes to get to this level. My major issue with the action in this film is that it’s too reliant on CGI because of all of the magic bullshit. This film could have easily portrayed Keanu as an orphan from a Portuguese mission and not touched any of this Criss Angel crap. If you’re gonna make Keanue Snake Eyes from GI Joe, you may as well go all out.
- Veteran: Hiroyuki Sanada is a veteran of the samurai genre and has played in a ton of really cool ones that you can find on YouTube right now! (Renegade Ninjas, Shogun’s Ninja, The Ninja Wars) For 47 Ronin, he slipped back into his armor and became the one character in the film that didn’t feel really out of place. Most of the actors seemed to be reading a script but Sanada really feels like he is the character. You’ll know what I mean when you see Cary Tagawa as the Shogun and then watch Sanada say or do anything. He just gets it.
- It’s all in the prep work: That’s what my father-in-law used to say about painting and it works even better when you’re planning on getting revenge on the daimyo who forced your Lord into ritualistic suicide. Sanada, Keanu, and the rest of the now-ronin spent most of the movie trying to gather their shit for an attack on the city. They have to get swords. They need information. And they need to learn to trust the white guy who keeps sulking around and stealing their chicks. Of course there is tons of stupid magic thrown in all the while but they do eventually get to a point where they can just start slicing bitches.
- Finale: You have to know that a big showdown is about to happen just a day before Mika is to be wed to Lord Kira. Keanu and his pals show up, fling some arrows, and lay a massive beatdown on Kira and his men that left me thinking, “why did they wait so long?” Giant samurai gets it, the witch lady gets it, and Lord Kira finally gets what’s coming to him. All in all, the film does give us the ending we deserve as the ronin prepare once again to follow their Lord to the grave.
The Verdict: The movie doesn’t live up to what it should have been. I’ve seen multiple versions of this story and this is definitely the worst one. I don’t know why they felt the need to add all the stupid magic shit that just makes it seem so stupid. Keanu is fine in the role but mainly because I like him and he doesn’t do anything utterly terrible. The character is mostly dumb and so is the movie, to be honest. Give me a traditional 47 Ronin movie or just leave it alone. I was happy that they didn’t pussy out on the mass seppuku at the end but nothing in the world could have made this film really good by that point. It’s serviceable, I suppose. I love samurai flicks so it’s nice to have one I can play in the background and not have to read but it doesn’t even touch the top 25 samurai movies in my book.
