Bullet Points: Anaconda

I knew from the opening scene of 1997’s Anaconda that it had been a while since I saw the movie as I had zero recollection that the ubiquitous Danny Trejo was in the film. I had even less recollection that Danny Trejo’s voice was not in the film.

If the first scene was any indication, this Anaconda re-watch was going to feel like the first time, feel like the very first time. Thanks Foreigner.

• The Premise: A documentary film crew is heading to Brazil, and more specifically the Amazon River, in search of a tribe known as “People of the Mist”. We are introduced to the entire film crew shortly after the opening credits roll. The crew includes the subject expert Dr. Steven Cale (Eric Stoltz, Memphis Belle), the director Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez, Parker), Terri’s cameraman Danny Rich (Ice Cube, xXx: State of the Union), the host/narrator Warren Westridge (Jonathan Hyde, The Mummy) and rounding out the crew Gary Dixon (Owen Wilson, Shanghai Knights) and Denise Kalberg (Kari Wuhrer, Berserker: Hell’s Warrior), who are an item in addition to being coworkers. Taking these city folk down the Amazon River is the captain of the Micalea I and the man who will serve as their guide, Mateo (Vincent Castellanos, The Crow: City of Angels).
• The Uninvited Guest: It isn’t long into their voyage that our filmmakers come upon a boat in distress. The good-natured Dr. Cale instructs their guide Mateo to stop so they can help. Snake hunter Paul Serone (Jon Voight) is the only one on board and he asks if they can drop him off at the next village where he’ll be able to get the resources needed to fix the propeller on his boat. They oblige and it isn’t 2 seconds in that Serone is giving off some creepy ass vibes. Serone and Cale even get into a bit of a debate as Cale questions the validity of one of the tales that Serone is telling and this is the first sign of friction between Serone and the film crew. If the increasing unpleasant interactions between Serone and the others is not enough to tip off that he is a bad guy, Voight makes sure to ham it up with sinister and menacing looks anytime he can. Speaking of Voight’s performance, at no time did I believe his character was from Paraguay. Admittedly I am not sure I have ever encountered a Paraguay native, but I still feel confident in saying they wouldn’t have the accent that Voight did in Anaconda.

• The Set Up: It isn’t long before the Micalea I has some propeller issues of its own as a rope gets caught up in the blades. Dr. Cale decides he’s going to break out the scuba gear and cut the boat loose… but some how a poisonous wasp found its way into the air hose of Cale’s scuba gear… this results in Cale being on death’s door and his friends on the Micalea I going into panic mode. Paul Serone steps up and makes the obvious observation that Cale needs to get to a hospital and he knows a shortcut that will get Cale to a hospital much quicker than just going back the way the came… but low and behold, we soon find out it was all a ruse perpetrated by Serone and double agent Mateo! After swallowing the poison wasp, Stoltz’s character Dr. Steven Cale ends up spending the majority of the film laying in bed… if I were J. Lo and Ice Cube and found out Stoltz received the same amount of pay or more than I did, I’d either be pissed or be looking to hire Stoltz’s management team.
• The Hunt: Paul Serone now has control of the Micalea I and has forced the documentary film crew to come along as he is on the hunt for a giant anaconda. There is one exception, Gary is seduced by the almighty dollar and is fully onboard with Serone’s plan of capturing the giant anaconda… it is fitting that Gary ends up dead sooner than later by the very giant anaconda that he and Serone were attempting to poach.

• The Mutiny: Terri, Danny and Westridge end up outsmarting Serone and retake the ship but their victory is short lived. At this point the action really picks up and when the proveribial smoke clears Terri, Danny and Serone all end up in a rundown building along the river. It is here that Serone once again gets the better of Terri and Danny, ties them up and dumps a bucket of warm monkey blood on them to use them as bait to catch another giant anaconda. But this all backfires in the worst way possible if you are Paul Serone and the best way possible if you are viewer of this movie… because the giant anaconda swallows Serone whole! But this giant anaconda is still hungry. I found it strange that while the injured Danny would have been an easy score for the giant anaconda, the anaconda seemed set on going after Terri. But suddenly I remembered my Sir Mix-a-Lot and realized this anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns… and in 1997 who had better buns than J. Lo!?!!? It made perfect sense… or at least as much sense as a movie about a giant anaconda that screamed could make.

Some would say that Anaconda had elements of classics like 1975’s Jaws and 1933’s King Kong but to me it was more reminiscent of the campy copy cats of those classics, but on steroids and a bigger budget.

Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube had a natural chemistry that made them a believable dynamic duo. Of course it didn’t hurt that they were working opposite Jon Voight, who was so easy to dislike in this role.

It also never hurts to wrap up a review with some Bonus Bullet Points…

• Disturbing Quote: “Last time I was in water like this, I was up all night picking leeches off my scrotum.” – Warren Westridge
• If You Ever: …wanted to see a giant anaconda regurgitate Jon Voight, then Anaconda is the movie for you.
• Meta Moment: Ice Cube’s first line in the movie is “Today is a good day”. No doubt a nod to his hit song, “It Was a Good Day”.