Bullet Points: John Carpenter’s Vampires

If I were to watch movies solely based on the political ideologies of the cast then I might as well toss my television into the river. I live in the real world and I don’t choose my grocery stores or barber shops based on who they support in elections and I sure as shit won’t do that with the crazies who pretend to fight on television. The exception, of course, is Mark Wahlberg. I won’t support him no matter which way of the aisle he hangs out on. To hell with Mark Wahlberg!!

All of this is just to say that no, I’m not gonna boycott James Woods’ movies because he supports Donald Trump, and I would appreciate it if you would just leave your politics out of my action movies. Now, on to the bloody review!!!

• The Slayers: James Woods may be the head honcho of the vampire slaying team but there is no doubt that he has surrounded himself with a collection of tough guys. Mark Boone Junior, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and Thomas Rosales Jr. were the most recognizable to me but Daniel Baldwin (definitely a top 5 Baldwin) adds a little something to the crew as the outside man. Their job is to hunt down vampire nests and eliminate them. Working for the Vatican for hundreds of years, these teams of Slayers will stop at nothing to eradicate the menace of these immortal assholes.
• Attacking the nest: The film opens as the slayers discover a pretty sizable nest in New Mexico. We see them pull out a cool and diverse weapons cache and we get to hear them discuss a little about their strategy. The telling thing to me about this part was where they talked about doing it “by the book”. That leads me to believe that there is some sort of standard operating procedure for killing vampires and now I desperately want to read it. The attack on the nest, however routine it may have seemed, wasn’t easy. They stab, shoot, and drag the screeching blood suckers outside into the light where they are turned into crispy critters.

• Should’ve stayed at the Holiday Inn: The Slayers book it back to their crummy motel filled with booze and hookers for one of those Motley Crue kind of nights. They are just getting started with the debauchery when the hidden Master vampire shows up and straight murders the entire party. Jack Crow (Woods), Montoya (Baldwin), and Katrina (Sheryl Lee) make it out alive but not before the Master vamp takes a bite out of Katrina (totally goes down on her!). Jack and Montoya decide to use her because of her psychic link to the master. It probably won’t go well….
• Re-vamping the team: Jack meets back up with Cardinal Alba (Maximilian Schell) who introduces him to his new priest helper-dude played by Tim Guinee. The new Padre slowly gives Jack more of the story on this super powerful Master and what he may be looking for.

• The Notorious one: BPA favorite Thomas Ian Griffith is totally badass as the leading vampire Valek. He chews up (yup) scene after scene and is both a menacing and believable foil to the Slayers and their people. Chris the Brain was 100% right in calling him the Notorious T.I.G. This dude should have been crushing roles like this all throughout the early 2000’s. Valek’s main goal throughout the film is to find some ‘Black Cross’ gimmick that will allow him to walk in the sunlight. It seems like vampires in every movie are always trying to walk outside in the sunlight while I am shopping for the darkest curtains right now on Amazon so I can get some damned sleep!
• Your town sucks: Jack, Montoya, Padre, and the slowly turning into a vampire Katrina track down Valek in a small town that has recently had their asses ruled by the vampire masters. Valek is now in possession of the Black Cross and needs a priest to finish the exorcism that was performed (and left unfinished) on him 600 years ago. It all leads to a throwdown in a building where Jack and the Padre get to kill a few more vampires before they capture Jack and really put the pressure on him.

• Plan B: Despite looking like the cover of some shitty Rock album in 1994, the vampire masters have a pretty good plan before the Padre shows up and starting ruling a little ass of his own. As we say in the wrestling biz, “everything breaks down”, and the vampires and the non-vampires are running for cover and trying to escape the death that is upon them. Jack chases down Valek into an old barn and tries one last time to penetrate him with his long, hard rod…..sorry. Valek, though, is still a badass vampire and pulls it from his loins like a boss. That’s when it’s time for Plan B!

The Verdict: John Carpenter’s Vampires is easily one of my favorite vampire movies of all time and clearly one of the coolest uses of ‘walking away from an explosion’ in movie history. Carpenter scores the film himself and spares no expenses when it comes to the blood and gore. People are ripped totally in half. One chick has her neck broken from a hand that has already torn through another man’s chest. It’s some wild shit! Jack Cross is a total ass-kicker and the idea of the slayers being a part of the church, while not a new idea, is still a really cool one. I freaking love this movie and you should put it in your eyes this Halloween season!