Bullet Points: The Long Kiss Goodnight
Considering the plot of 1996’s The Long Kiss Goodnight revolves around a character that has amnesia, it seems fitting that I have zero recollection of the film even being a thing.
The film was strongly suggested to me by multiple sources after I confessed to having never seen the movie on a recent edition of The Bulletproof Podcast, so I decided to see what the love for The Long Kiss Goodnight was all about…
- Oh Deer: Describing the beginning of The Long Kiss Goodnight is akin to describing the beginning of a Hallmark Christmas movie… single mom Samantha Caine (Geena Davis) is playing Mrs. Claus in her small town’s Christmas parade, she has a teacher boyfriend and she’s hosting a Christmas party for all her friends. But things take a very un-Hallmark turn when she offers to drive her friend Earl (Alan North, Highlander) home after Earl tipped a few too many back and they run over a deer! Earl ends up dead, Samantha is ejected from the car and she ends up putting the deer out of its misery with her bare hands… not the type of skill set you’d expect from a school teacher. Samantha is hospitalized following the accident and while she is laid up, she begins to have visions of the person she was pre-amnesia… Charly Baltimore. When she returns home Samantha realizes she is pretty handy with a knife and comes to the conclusion she must have been a chef in her previous life.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Meanwhile in prison… we see a guy named One-Eyed Jack (Joseph McKenna) who spots some TV coverage of the small town parade (must have been a slow news day) and more importantly spots the woman who earned him the name One-Eyed Jack. A prison break later, Jack is on his way to the little town Samantha Caine calls home. Jack doesn’t come empty handed as he brings a shotgun with him and is looking for revenge… more of Samantha’s Charly Baltimore instincts kick in as One-Eye Jack goes after her, her daughter Caitlin and her boyfriend Hal. Samantha manages to eliminate the One-Eyed Jack problem, killing him on her kitchen floor. And that’s about the time Mitch Henessey (Samuel L. Jackson) one of the many private detectives Samantha has hired over the years to find out who the hell she was in her past life, shows up at Samantha’s door. In almost fluke fashion, Mitch has discovered the first clue in her case since she was diagnosed with amnesia eight years prior.
- Tag Team: Samantha and Mitch hit the road and follow the lead in Samantha’s case to see if they can uncover anything else. The trail takes Mitch and Samantha to a train station where she is going to meet a man named Nathan Waldman (Brian Cox) … but Mitch and Samantha arrive early and instead of Waldman, they are met by some more men looking to take Samantha/Charly out. We get a chaotic shootout in the train station, a hallway explosion and a three story jump for our heroes… at this point, Waldman shows up and whisks them away… filling in Samantha on her past as Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore, a CIA assassin that he personally trained.
- Reunited and It Feels So Bad: Samantha’s next stop is visiting a man she believes she was engaged to named Luke (David Morse). It is no happy reunion for Samantha and Luke, instead we get a water torture scene… the near death experience triggers more memories including her memory of a man who Charly was intimate with at one time, and the man who tried to rid the world of Charly 8 years ago and the man who is looking to get the job done right this time… Timothy (Craig Bierko). Samantha manages to escape what would have been her watery grave and the hunted is about to become the huntress… Samantha embraces her true self and Charly Baltimore is officially back and shit is about to go down!
After finally watching The Long Kiss Goodnight I can clearly see what all the love is about. I still have no idea how I missed out on this film for nearly a quarter of a century, but I do know you can put The Long Kiss Goodnight up against any other action movie from the time frame and it more than holds its own. Part of that is thanks to Director Renny Harlin, who had previously directed action blockbusters Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger. But there’s no denying that Geena Davis brings it as the hero… Charly Baltimore is the real deal.
While I am handing out compliments, Samuel L. Jackson was great as “the sidekick that wouldn’t die” and he brought some levity to the proceedings with her over the top personality and delivery. Last but not least is Craig Bierko… his Timothy character had a Ted Bundy quality to him. On the surface Timothy looked like a charming gentleman, but under the surface he was a cold blooded murderer, making him a quality villain.
Now let me hand out some Bonus Bullet Points as my gift to you…
- Familiar Face: G.D. Spradlin played the President of the United States, Spradlin will always be Senator Pat Geary from The Godfather Part II to me.
- Disturbing Quote: “I will personally hire men to ass fuck you for the next ten years.” – Mitch Henessey
- If You Ever: …wanted to see Geena Davis reach into the crotch of Brian Cox’s pants, then The Long Kiss Goodnight is the movie for you.
