Bullet Points: Sakura Killers

If there is one thing that is more stealthy than a ninja in the world of action entertainment, it would be a hidden gem like 1987’s Sakura Killers.

I absolutely love to discover movies that had previously gone undetected and Sakura Killers fits into that category. Considering Sakura Killers contains ninjas, it may be the most stealthy of the hidden gems I have ever reviewed…

• Beta Testing: The movie begins with two ninjas infiltrating a well guarded research facility using their ninja skills and gadgets. The ninjas kill some sad sack who was working late and abscond with a video cassette containing footage of top secret gene splicing research. It does not take long for the news of the break in and subsequent thievery to reach The Colonel, a member of the United States Intelligence Community. The Colonel is played by Chuck Connors of The Rifleman fame. The Colonel immediately dispatches his assistant Karen to get word to one of his top agents that he needs to speak to him pronto…

• Dennis the Menace: Karen tracks down the Corvette driving Dennis Puchok and interrupts his beach work out montage with news that The Colonel needs to see him… the narcissistic Dennis tries to hit on Karen, but she does her best to ignore and emasculate the big lunk. When Dennis arrives at The Colonel’s ranch, he is told that he needs to go to Taiwan where he’ll meet up with his old friend Sonny (Mike Kelly) and that Sonny will fill him in on the details. Side note: I was surprised that Dennis and Karen did not hook up at any point in the movie, especially given the friction between the two when they first met.
• It’s Always Sonny in Taiwan: Dennis arrives in Taiwan and has a cover story that he is there to run an athletic club… not sure why Dennis needed a cover story, but Sonny pops in and humorously interrupts Dennis as he is teaching a class. After class is dismissed, Sonny fills Dennis in on everything that The Colonel and/or Karen could have told him back in the States. The one clue this dynamic duo have to go on is a calling card of sorts that the ninjas left at the research facility, the logo of the Sakura Organization. So Sonny and Dennis go out for a taste of the local cuisine and start asking questions and almost instantaneously the inquisitive Sonny and Dennis are reported to Otani, the trainer of the evil ninjas. I didn’t get a look at the org chart, but Otani is seemingly middle management in the Sakura Organization that has stolen the gene splicing beta video cassette to potentially sell to the Russians. Otani dispatches some of his students to ambush Sonny and Dennis after they leave the restaurant… Dennis and Sonny fortunately manage to hold their own against the ninjas or as Dennis refers to them, “the guys in black pajamas”. Am I to believe that in the year 1987, Dennis Puchok had no idea what a ninja was!?!

• Only a Ninja Can Stop a Ninja: Dennis may have not had a clue what a ninja was, but he knew exactly who could help them… his old friend, Manji. It just so happens that Manji’s uncle is The Master (not Lee Van Cleef but Jack Long), so she takes Sonny and Dennis to see him. Manji’s uncle was once a part of the Sakura Organization, but he left when he found out what they were really up to. He then offers to become Dennis and Sonny’s personal ninja master and train them so they can defeat Otani and his ninja army. This means it is time for some training montages including Sonny and Dennis doing the “hat run” and being introduced to some of the tools of the trade including shuriken (or throwing stars for those not in the know) and the all important smoke bombs. The introduction of The Master is is the point where the movie really turned for the better.
• Back to the Hotel: We got from better to best, after Sonny and Dennis complete their ninja training and head back to their hotel suite to unwind… there’s a knock on the door, a “hotel employee” rolls in some complimentary room service… but under the room service cart was one of Otani’s ninjas!!! This kicks off the final act of the film that is filled with ninja action as Sonny and Dennis put their new found ninja skills to the test (with an assist from Manji) to battle Otani and his ninjas representing the vile Sakura Organization!

Sakura Killers can not be classified as a good movie. But Sakura Killers can be classified as a good BAD movie. Sakura Killers really tried to capitalize on the formula that Cannon films perfected earlier in the decade albeit on an even smaller scale than Cannon was working with.

I will now capitalize on the winning formula of ending a review with some Bonus Bullet Points…

• Easter Egg: There is a movie poster for 1962’s Geronimo hanging up in The Colonel’s home. The very non-Native American Chuck Connors played Geronimo in that film. But if we are talking movie posters with Chuck Connors on them, they don’t get much better than the Invasion USA inspired poster pictured above.
• If You Ever: …wanted to see Chuck Connors shoot two ninjas dead with a shotgun then Sakura Killers is the movie for you.
• Minimalistic: The opening credits sequence contains no music and generic white letters on a black screen.
• The Unofficial Sequel: According to IMDb lore, Sakura Killers had an unofficial sequel in the form of White Phantom where Willi (Jay Roberts Jr, Aftershock) battles the Sakura Organization and reports to a man known as The Colonel (played by Bo Svenson, not Chuck Connors).