Bullet Points: T-34
We live in a time where people don’t like to get along. With as much connectivity and ease of communication you would think that people as a whole would be coming closer together. I always thought action movies did a good job bringing people together but after there are always some movies that one group likes and another despises. There is one big exception, and that is that Nazis suck. Many people deride American war movies for being too pro-USA, but don’t think that is unique to American movies, and there is nothing wrong with it. The Russians hated the Nazis just as much in WWII and they continue to make outstanding anti-Nazi movies with a pro-Russian bent today. I just so happen to have some Bullet Points for a modern take on a WWII tank battle with 2019’s T-34.
- First Day Blues – T-34 opens in 1941 with Russia dealing with the Germans in their own backyard. We see two Russian fleeing a German tank and we immediately learn what kind of ride we are in for. There are some stunning visuals with ample use of slow motion and explosions that give T-34 both a classic WWII and modern feel. This is also where we meet our hero, Nikolay Ivushkin (Alexander Petrov) as he is on his way to join his new unit. A unit that has been completely decimated with only one tank crew left. A crew that Nikolay must command and try to slow down the Germans during a Russian retreat. The sole tank is up against seven German Panzers, and in a pretty impressive outing for his first day, Nikolay is able to eliminate six tanks and disable the seventh. However, the odds were too great and the German commander Klaus Jäger, who is both extremely upset but also impressed, is able to capture Nikolay and his driver Stepan Vasilyonok.
- Three Years Later – We next meet up with Nikolay as he is being transferred to a German concentration camp, but the Germans don’t know that. Nikolay has refused to give his name or rank and is only known as the Russian tank man, famous for his seven escape attempts. The concentration camp really allows the audience to be reminded why the Nazis stink and we also see Nikolay getting tortured to try to get him to talk… by Himmler himself no less. Jäger happens to be at the camp because there is a German tank training school nearby and he is looking for some Russians to take control of a tank so the cadets can get live practice. Nobody knows who Nikolay is, until Jäger starts looking through the files. He cannot forget the face of his greatest adversary.
- Getting the Band Back Together – Nikolay does not want to help the Germans and still refuses to talk, accepting his torture and death, until Jäger threatens to shoot the female Russian translator, Anya Yartseva… I smell a budding romance. Nikolay must pick three other POWs to form his crew, made slightly easier by the surprise meeting of Stepan who just happens to be at the same camp. Serafim Ionov and Demyan Volchok round out the crew and they are all introduced to their new Russain tank, a T-34. Of course, the tank is straight from the front line with deceased soldiers and battle scars. While dead bodies in a tank may be unpleasant it allows the crew to hide the six live rounds the Germans missed… German oopsie. The beat up tank also allows for a tank refurb montage!
- Better Plan on Paper – The T-34 is ready to go and Jäget gathers the German brass to his tank training display. The idea to have a live target is a great plan… unless the target has live ammunition. Nikolay needs one thing to help with his escape plan, and that is a map to show the area and all the mines the Germans have buried, something Anya can get with her connection to the offices as a translator. Anya requests one thing in return, for the T-34 crew to take her with them. Combined with Nikolay’s ungodly tanks skills and the live rounds, the crew is able to take out not only some of the tanks, but also a tower with some of the Germans. The T-34 goes right out the front gate, but not after destroying some shiny Mercedes-Benz and picking up Anya at a German bus stop. The German women’s reaction at the bus stop is only second to the German gas station attendants reaction, both pleasant scenes of levity in T-34.
- Tank Hunt – Jäger is not going to go down without a fight and the third act of T-34 is upon us. I would have never guessed that in a place as large as Europe and in vehicles as large as tanks that the best scenes would take place in the tiny twisted roads of a European village. The way T-34 can make the loud lumbering tanks sneak around like ninjas with treads is impressive. The slowed down bullet time explosions of the ammunition leaving the cannon and hitting the target is very fun even though not very period correct. As a surprise to no one, Nikolay and Jäger get one last chance to go head to head and while I won’t say exactly what happens so you can enjoy yourself, tank chicken is as exciting as it sounds.
T-34 is an easy movie to enjoy because it doesn’t matter if it is the Americans or Russian fighting the Nazis, everyone can enjoy seeing the bad guy go down. If you are into WWII movies and in particular WWII tanks, you will enjoy T-34. However, while the uniforms and equipment are accurate, the modern visual effects may take some out of the story and the entire premise and outcome may be far fetched. I, for one, was entertained by the combination of WWII with The Matrix and Fast and Furious action, and we even got that Nikolay/Anya romance I got a whiff of earlier. There are worse movies to see if you want some WWII action, but if you are looking for more reasons to watch, I will leave you with some T-34 Bonus Bullet Points.
- Swan Lake – You can’t have a Russian tank ballet without a little Tchaikovsky.
- Favorite Toast – “May your liver go to pieces.”
- Collectibles – Who knew that Russian soldiers had bobbleheads in their trucks?
- Final Dedication – T-34 is dedicated to the tank heroes on the eastern front of WWII both renowned and unknown and is a nice touch to end of the movie… and this Bullet Points.
