What If Cannon Made a G.I. Joe Movie?

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and thought, what if Cannon made a G.I. Joe movie? That exact thought popped into my head recently and I could not help but answer my own question, instead of ignoring it and going back to sleep.

For those who may not be familiar, Cannon was an independent studio, run by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, that rose to prominence in the 1980’s thanks to an aggressive release schedule, a bombastic approach to hyping movies and a whole lotta action movies!

The first step was setting one major guideline. To root this fantasy G.I. Joe movie in some semblance of reality and really make it feel like something Golan and Globus would have produced, it needed actors and actresses that actually worked on Cannon productions.

With that one rule in place, my mind went into casting mode…

• Michael Dudikoff as Duke – Michael Dudikoff was Cannon’s golden boy, so it only makes sense that the star of American Ninja and Avenging Force step into the role of G.I. Joe’s golden boy… Duke! Dudi getting to headline the biggest action blockbuster in Cannon history would fulfill the promise made to Michael by Menahem Golan himself… “We will Michael. We will!”

• Steve James as Roadblock – Anytime you can get Michael Dudikoff and Steve James on screen together, you do it. Steve James proved he could collaborate with anyone Cannon put him in there with… Michael Dudikoff in American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, David Carradine in P.O.W. the Escape and Chuck Norris in The Delta Force, so who better to be in the ultimate Cannon team up movie. Plus, as the heavy machine gunner Roadblock, James would have plenty of chances to show off his muscles.

• Chuck Norris as Recondo – Chuck Norris saw his share of jungle action in such Cannon classics as Missing in Action and Firewalker, so he would easily be able to step into the role of G.I. Joe’s mustachioed jungle trooper, Recondo. Chuck would also make Recondo more bad ass than Recondo has ever been.

• J. Eddie Peck as Flint – J. Eddie Peck has Cannon to thank for his first feature film role in the Albert Pyun directed Dangerously Close. Peck would later find himself in the middle of the messy Golan/Globus divorce when he starred in Cannon’s Lambada. Peck’s leading man looks would lend themselves to the Flint character, who had no shorted of confidence.

• Lucinda Dickey as Lady Jaye – Already proving she was more than just a dancer in the bizarre Ninja III: The Domination, Lucinda Dickey would be a lock for the role of Lady Jaye, the Joe’s covert operations specialist. I feel like Dickey and Peck would have good chemistry for the Lady Jaye/Flint romantic subplot.

• Adolofo Quinones as Stalker – The star of Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Adolfo Quinones (aka Shabba-Doo) was considered by many to be an urban superhero, but the role of Stalker would allow Quinones to become A Real American Hero! Before you scoff at Quinones being in an action movie, I would like to point out that he eventually would find himself in an action flick, but not for Cannon, it was in PM Entertainment’s Steel Frontier.

• Rick Zumwalt as Gung Ho – Zumwalt, who famously appeared in Cannon’s Over the Top, would give the movie a larger than life character and Zumwalt would be totally believable as Gung Ho… a bare knuckle brawler with super human strength.

• Steven Lambert as Snake Eyes – No one will ever confuse Steven Lambert for an accomplished actor, but Lambert is without question an accomplished stunt performer and martial artist. Lambert was a big part of Revenge of the Ninja and American Ninja with much of his work being done under a mask… and that mask experience would come in handy while playing Snake Eyes.

• Sgt. Slaughter as Himself – There is always an exception to the rule and Sgt. Slaughter is that exception, but it is still based on reality. Sarge was never in any Cannon movies, but he was the spokesperson for the G.I. Joe brand between 1985 and 1990. Slaughter’s vocal talents were used for the G.I. Joe cartoon series and the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie, so it stands to reason that if a live action G.I. Joe movie was made during that time period, Hasbro would be pushing for Sgt. Slaughter to be a part of it.

• John P. Ryan as Cobra Commander – Can anyone else imagine John P. Ryan ranting and hissing like a madman delivering his lines as Cobra Commander? Is anyone else’s imagination so vivid that you are geeked at the thought of John P. Ryan as Cobra Commander even though you know there is no way that it is ever actually going to happen?

• Frank Langella as Destro – One other caveat I had going into this project was that if there was going to be a G.I. Joe movie there wouldn’t have been a Masters of the Universe movie in this alternate timeline I was creating… maybe I was overthinking it, but what would the odds of Cannon working with two toy companies be? That meant this alternate timeline would have been robbed of seeing Langella’s tremendous performance as Skeletor in Masters of the Universe. But I truly believe that the trade off with Langella as Destro would be worth it.

• Charles Bronson as Major Bludd – Charles Bronson as a villain in a Cannon movie? It seems unbelievable, but for the purposes of this post I will suspend my disbelief. However even I can not suspend my disbelief to the point that I can hear Charles Bronson doing the Australian accent needed for the role, but the G.I. Joe purist in me can overlook that MAJOR detail if it meant we would get the battle of the Cannon cornerstones, Bronson vs. Norris!

• Shô Kosugi as Storm Shadow – The most obvious casting choice for this project would be Shô Kosugi as Storm Shadow. To paraphrase Kosugi from Revenge of the Ninja, only a ninja can play a ninja and if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times… Shô Kosugi is the closest thing to an actual ninja that most of us will ever see and live to tell about it.

• Mathilda May as Baroness – While she would definitely have more clothes on than she did in Lifeforce, Mathilda May would bring some sex appeal to the Cobra side of the equation as the Baroness… a character as beautiful as she is deadly.

• Billy Drago as Zartan – Billy Drago was one of those guys who was born to be bad. Cannon knew that Drago made for a great villain and they cast him opposite Chuck Norris in both Invasion U.S.A. and Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection. In a movie that needs a strong rouges gallery to go up against an elite force of heroes, you want a guy like Billy Drago. And I couldn’t think of a better character for Drago to play on the Cobra side than the master of disguise, Zartan.

• Peter & David Paul as Tomax & Xamot – My initial thought was to double Jean-Claude Van Damme to play The Crimson Twins, but knowing that Double Impact to this day has confused a portion of the world into thinking Jean-Claude Van Damme has an actual twin. So I thought instead of using movie magic and camera tricks to make a set of twins, why not just use a set of actual twins on the Cannon roster… enter The Barbarian Brothers to be super-sized versions of Tomax and Xamot.

• Donald Pleasence as Dr. Mindbender – Donald Pleasence as a demented, mad scientist type is a no-brainer. Pleasence, who is probably most known for his work in the Halloween movies, was a supporting player in Cannon’s River of Death alongside Michael Dudikoff. Pleasence would bring a quirkiness to the Dr. Mindbender character and we can only hope that wardrobe would bring a modified costume.

• Dolph Lundgren as Serpentor – My vision for the Cannon produced G.I. Joe movie ended with a post credits scene to tease a sequel. Just when you think Cobra is down and out, we’d see Dr. Mindbender flip a switch and start laughing maniacally and that’s when we’d see the awesome site of Dolph Lundgren as Serpentor!

What If this G.I. Joe movie was so successful that Cannon did more than tease a second one?? Click Here!