Bullet Points: Dynasty Warriors
Believe it or not, they are still making Dynasty Warriors games. I was walking around the local game store (those still exist, too) and saw that they were up to 9 games in the series. What a trip? I can remember playing one of the first ones many years ago and being absolutely floored by how badass it was. Just going around and killing dudes by the hundreds with very little story behind any of it. I wonder just how closely this film will follow that description….
Synopsis: This movie is adapted from a video game of the same title. The story is set in the turbulent late Eastern Han Dynasty. Ambitious Dong Zhuo controls the court and the commonalty, and heroes from all over the country begin to rise.
- Screw the rebellion: The film starts with a yellow turban rebellion threatening to take down the Han Dynasty. “Not on my watch!” said fatass Dong Zhou as he cleaved in the skulls of about 70 dudes. The battle is odd and strangely filmed where I feel like I’m watching a game instead of a movie and it totally doesn’t work. Dong gets in trouble and three good boys named Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei all show up for the save. They don’t want anything in return. All these seek is the continuation of the Han Dynasty.
- They see me rollin’: The three “brothers” go everywhere together. They eat, sleep, and shit this personal mission to see the Dynasty fulfill its destiny and it really made me wonder more about them as people. I wonder if we’ll get to learn more about them or their origins? SPOILER ALERT! We don’t!
- Video game action: As I said a moment ago, the action looks abysmal. Take the fact that this is based on a video game out of it and we’d all be out here mocking these action scenes for looking horrible. Instead, people are really saying that it was “designed to look more like the action from the games”. Who cares? It looks terrible and I, for one, can’t stand to see this sub-genre get dragged through the mud because this mainstream flick sucks so much.
- Legendary weapons and their effectiveness in a pinch: The brothers and a couple of other characters all get some sort of video game weapons stuff but it comes out of nowhere and is honestly very stupid. These weapons are made from “thousand year old blood orb”. What the hell does that even mean? I hope it’s an error with the translation and the stupidest f*cking thing I’ve ever heard. Despite the ignorance in how they got them, the blades sure do kill a lot of people.
- Cao Cao is a douchebag: Am I supposed to like or respect this dude? Never did I see a guy who failed so hard at killing one fat dude get glorified so much for not killing said fat dude. Cao Cao does get really good at killing innocent people, though, and everyone seems to forget about that 35 seconds after it happened.
- Gettin’ that Dong: Dong Zhou takes the young emperor hostage and starts ruling the empire. He does so by essentially having orgies all day with hot little ladies and now he’s my favorite character. By having all these orgies and taking hostages the way he does, he puts the dynasty in jeopardy and now the three brothers and Cao Cao join an alliance (and a rebellion) to put an end to his orgy ways.
- Lover and a fighter: Despite the fact that Dong Zhou wasn’t having loads of orgies in the game, the put it in the film. They also found time to add a 90 second romance between Lu Bu (definite badass) and some chick trying to kill herself in a lake. Does it make any difference to the story? WHAT STORY?!?!? No, seriously. It means nothing for the film and is just a waste of time.
- Absolute mayhem: If I were water boarded and forced to watch this film again I would request that I only be able to watch the action sequences. At least that would make it shorter. The three brothers continue their rise up the ranks of the rebellious dudes and then take on Lu Bu 3 vs 1 in a handicap match. Lu Bu ain’t no bitch and essentially whoops them all before getting called away. He’s the real hero of the film and while you start to wonder just how much runtime is left in the movie it comes to an abrupt end. Thank the Lord above.
The Verdict: Just, no. I can’t really say too many nice things about Dynasty Warriors so I won’t even try. If you’re a fan of this type of film, (which I am) you will be better off spending your time on a film that has more going for it. Watch 2018’s Shadow, Hero, Red Cliff, or any number of historical epics made in China in the past 30 years and you’ll be better off for it. Turn this turd off and pop in Dynasty Warriors 2 the video game and let the good times roll!
