Bullet Points: Teen Knight
There is something very romantic about historical times that plays very well for action movies. I am of course talking about looking at an idealized view of the past and not one characterized by love, but that sometimes also be the case. The medieval times were truly a terrible time to be alive for the common person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be regaled by heroic stories of knights. I happened to come across the 1999 movie Teen Knight that features a character that feels the same way, and not only does he get to live his adventures, we get to watch. Teen Knight was one of several movies made by Charles Band’s Romania production company and you may find it released under his family-friendly distribution company Moonbeam Films as Medieval Park. Regardless of the name, I have some Bullet Points for a romanticized look at medieval times with the Teen Knight Bullet Points.
- Meet the Teen – Peter (Kris Lemche) is a teen who is into medieval history and is living at a perfect time because Silver Streak Cola happens to be running a promotion to win a trip to a medieval manor… Silver Streak has an excellent commercial by the by. Peter says the exact same thing I was thinking when he saw the commercial, “How cool is that.” What I didn’t think was cool was the weird friendship that Peter has with his elderly neighbor. Why do movies and shows always have these old people hanging out with kids? I find it creepy. Especially because the expert in antiques and medieval history neighbor Mr. Percy (Paul Soles) steals a soda, a winning Silver Streak soda, from Peter and then seems very proud of himself when he gives it to Peter. It wasn’t his to begin with, but I have to admit it hit me right in the feels when Peter realized he won the contest. Anyway, if you don’t think that this old man young man relationship will not be important later than you might be senile.
- Raykin Trouble – Teen Knight opens with a scene from the 1300s as we see Lord Raykin (Marc Robinson) being arrested after trying to take over a kingdom. Raykin is being imprisoned with his right hand man and sorcerer Eruik (Claudiu Trandafir) which even I can tell is not going to work out. Never imprison a bad guy with his own sorcerer! Of course, the pair manage to escape with magic and Eruik creates a spell to summon forth the castle at any moment for a period of one day allowing Raykin another chance to rule. It is a very specific spell, so specific that it would only be important in a movie plot.
- Medieval Manor – There are four winners to the contest and they each represent a classic late 90s stereotype with Peter being the cool kid along with Benjamin as nerd, Alison as the self-centered girl and Tommy as the bully. Wiggins (Eugen Cristea) is the man behind the castle and there is some explanation to how the castle was moved from its undefined original location to its new undefined original location but it doesn’t matter because I can listen to Wiggins tell me anything. Wiggins has a unique accent and speaks in an almost sing-song manner. Wiggins also is the only human at the castle with the rest being populated by sophisticated robots that is only important in explaining why there is no one else around. The last real humans include the PR lady Claudia and the two man camera crew who are trying to get footage to promote Silver Streak.
- Teen Night – Who thinks that Raykin is coming to summon the castle the same night that all the teens are there for the contest? You are correct, sir, yes! With everyone thinking that they are spending the night in a medieval castle, most think it is part of the experience, except for Peter. Is part of the experience Tommy trying to sexually assault Alison? Because that is what I needed in my family friendly movie. Raykin actually saves Alison so he may be the bad guy but I already like him more than Tommy. Raykin does have eyes for Claudia and takes her prisoner to be his bride so I don’t like Raykin anymore. The three heroes of Teen Knight are Peter, Alison and Benjamin and the become a great team attempting to stop Raykin when they meet Percival, very similar to Mr. Percy methinks, the sorcerer who trained Eruik.
- Sword and Socerery – The action is where Teen Knight falls down a few pegs for me. I can live with the time travel element but it is very hard to believe that these teens could hold their own in a sword fight. I guess that would explain why the numerous sword fights are so lackluster. I do enjoy the sorcery, especially the eventual fight between Percival and Eruik that has them flinging colors at each other. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I have to let you know about the best character is Zithrax the dragon. Zithrax has a sense of humor and is very important in the plot. If you can’t get past the fact that they used late 90s CG to create Zithrax (spoiler alert they did not use a real dragon) then you may come to love Zithrax like I did.
Teen Knight is not a film for everyone. If you are expecting non-stop action, or even top notch action you will be disappointed. If you are looking for an action movie with a romantic view of medieval times and with heart that the whole family can enjoy you can do much worse. There is a reason Charles Band has been making movies for such a long time and it is because he knows what he is doing, just like I know what I am doing by ending these Teen Knight Bullet Points with some Teen Knight Bonus Bullet Points.
- Writer’s Quote That Made It Into the Script – “I am making this up as I go along.”
- High Five – Some how the biggest confusion between people from the 1990s and 1380s was a high five.
- Wiggin Out – I haven’t seen someone love his robots as much as Wiggins does since I saw Ex Machina.
- Asking For a Friend – How does one get the power of green laser eyes?
