Bullet Points: Snake Eater III: His Law
The Snake Eater trilogy is a rather unique animal in the action entertainment world. You could watch the three movies in any order you wanted to and it really wouldn’t matter as all three movies are stand alone stories.
Lorenzo Lamas plays Jack “Soldier” Kelly in the Snake Eater trilogy, and he is the only character to appear in all three movies. Ron Palillo played Torchy in the first two installments, but I felt like when Torchy returned in Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster, no mention was made that Solider and Torchy had a past. Unless I missed it…
One thing I had definitely missed, until recently, was 1992’s Snake Eater III: His Law, but thanks to Tubi, I was finally able to complete the Snake Eater trilogy…
- There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity: After Soldier thwarts a diner robbery in unorthodox fashion, Soldier finds himself getting his balls busted by his fellow cops and chewed out and suspended by his boss Lt. Durkee. Soldier even finds himself on TV, as the local news covers the attempted robbery and Soldier’s resulting suspension… but this publicity is about to give something for Soldier to do with his newly acquired free time…
- The Right Man for the Job: Soldier receives a call from Marge Molison after she saw the story about Soldier on the news. Marge invites Soldier to meet with her and her husband about a job opportunity. When Soldier arrives at the Molison’s home he learns that their daughter Vivian was researching a motorcycle club known as Hell’s Fury for her master’s thesis and things did not end well… Vivian went off the grid for a bit and when she was returned she was almost a vegetable with “raging gonorrhea” and genital herpes… and now anytime Vivian encounters a man she instinctively offers herself sexually to them. The police have been unable to help, so Marge wants Soldier to hunt down the animals responsible for what happened to her daughter and destroy them.
- The Cowboy Way: Soldier agrees to help the Molisons… but first he is going to have to track down his old friend Cowboy. Cowboy is such an old friend, he predates the original movie. Anyway, Soldier finds Cowboy at the Run Around Tavern. The two discuss getting Soldier a private investigator’s license and the job Soldier has been hired to do… but their chat is interrupted by some bar bullies harassing a couple who stopped for some libations and to plan the next phase of their road trip. This leads to the obligatory bar fight, which is of course won by the winning combination of Soldier and Cowboy.
- The Next Morning: After Soldier spends a romantic evening with Hildy (apparently a pretty serious girlfriend, who was never mentioned in either of the previous films) to celebrate his new job, Soldier is awoken the next morning by a knock on his door. It is Cowboy with some information concerning the Hell’s Fury… specifically a stripper, who dates one of the more notorious members of that crew. So Soldier heads over to a strip club and tries to get some information from Fran the stripper, but their conversation is interrupted by her biker boyfriend Goose played by Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow. Fans of professional wrestling or the movie Major Payne will no doubt recognize the unforgettable face and tattooed head of Bigelow. Soldier and Goose go outside to settle their differences and it does not end well for Goose or his motorcycle.
- This Means War: Now Solider has the attention of Hell’s Fury and they are looking to unleash hell’s fury on Soldier and anyone associated with him… that means Hildy, poor Fran the stripper and Cowboy. That’s bad news for Soldier and friends but good news for the audience because the action is really about to pick up! One scene in particular stood out from the rest… Cowboy and Soldier find themselves staying at a motel near the Hell’s Fury club house and the leader of the club, Turk (Chip Chuipka, Sci-Fighters) show up in the parking lot and start shooting up the place and throwing Molotov cocktails into the room… will our heroes be able to escape certain doom and if so will they strike back in even more over the top fashion?!? You better believe it!!
The Snake Eater movies and their mix of action, violence and humor (often times potty humor) could have worked just as well as unrelated, stand alone films with Lorenzo playing a completely different character in each. But not only am I glad we got a Snake Eater trilogy, I wish some modern lower to medium budget action movies would take the Snake Eater approach to sequels. Guys like Dolph Lundgren, Michael Jai White and Scott Adkins could establish a character that we could follow that character over the course of multiple movies. These guys are making multiple movies every year anyway. We need the modern equivalent of a Soldier Kelly or a Joe Armstrong or Col. James Braddock.
You know what else we need? Some Bonus Bullet Points…
- Pet Name: Goose refers to Fran as Frannie Rottencrotch.
- Out of Context Quote: “You just worry about getting yourself in that new underwear.” – Soldier
- If You Ever: …wanted to see Lorenzo Lamas rig a toilet to electrocute a person, then Snake Eater III is the movie for you.
- Nobody Out Pizzas the Hut: In a bit of product placement, Goose has a Pizza Hut box on his table next to his pyramid of empty beer cans.
- If You Ever: …wanted to see a bar fight start because some jerk stretched a condom over the head of some poor sap, then Snake Eater III is the movie for you.
