Bullet Points: The Pink Chiquitas

It must be tough being the sibling of a famous actor trying to be successful in the same profession. Frank Stallone has lived in the shadow of Sylvester Stallone but has also carved out his own path with his singing career on top of his acting career. Frank may not be as famous as Sylvester, but was Sly ever in a movie that features a pink comet crashing on Earth causing the women to turn into nymphos? I don’t think so. It is time to take you back to 1986’s sci-fi spoof The Pink Chiquitas.

• American Drive In – When a movie opens with Frank Stallone driving a big old Cadillac convertible with steer horns on the front you know you are in for a good time. We learn that Stallone is Tony Mareda Jr., a famous detective and Olympic gold medalist and son of another famous detective, Tony Mareda Sr., also played by Frank Stallone in flashback and ghost form. Mareda soons picks up a scantily clad hitchhiker listening to the Peter Gunn Theme. When some goons working for Don Enchilada start shooting at Mareda and his passenger, Mareda asks her to duck out of the way with the soon to be misinterpreted, “Head, down!” Right from the start, The Pink Chiquitas lets you know that it is not going to be a serious action flick, but an action comedy, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. The chase ends up at a drive-in theater and I would have never figured a drive-in to be a great setting for an action set piece while also introducing us to all the major players.

• Night of the Comet – A comet flashes over the drive-in and several of the patrons want to take a look, including local TV weatherman Clip Bacardi (Bruce Pirri) and his girlfriend Mary Ann. While Clip only finds a small fragment that he pockets, some local youngsters find the main piece and we soon learn the sound emitted from the meteor causes the women to become very amorous. When Clip broadcasts his piece during his weather report it infects all the women watching at the time. The women soon began taking over the town leaving zombie like men in their wake. The crooked mayor of the town, with an election looming, realizes that famous detective Tony Mareda in town quickly gets his help and soon Tony and Clip are teaming up to save the town.

• Amazon Women on the Moon – Tony and Clip are able to deduce that the sound of the comet is what is making the women turn and there is even a connection to the Lost Tribe of the Amazon. The meteor is controlling the women and it even has a name, Betty (voiced by Eartha Kitt) who has chosen Tony to be her groom, against his will. It might have something to do with Tony’s necklace feature a large pink stone known as The Pink Chiquita that makes him very appealing to women. Unsurprisingly, this leads to a final fight with only Tony, Clip and the homosexual TV cameraman Dwight, a character that you would never and should never see today, against the women. It is all good fun, and I never thought I needed to see a pink camo tank rolling down the middle of a street and over a cop car before I saw The Pink Chiquitas.

The Pink Chiquitas is supposed to be a spoof of classic 50s sci-fi and it definitely works with a good mix of action and comedy. While some of it may be deemed insensitive by today’s standards, like when Don Enchilada’s goons (the name of the Don is only part of the problem) are in a shootout with Tony and the Mexican Hat Dance is playing. So it may play into stereotypes but the action is a whole heap of fun and it is a Canadian film, and it is so darn hard to get upset at Canadians. The Pink Chiquitas is only 83 minutes and even though there are some scantily clad women, it is very wholesome and deserves its PG-13 rating, so it can be quickly enjoyed with a vast crowd. Frank Stallone shines (in a dual role) as a serious detective in the outlandish situation and I find Frank in The Pink Chiquitas to be far funnier than any of Sly’s attempts at comedy (I am looking at you Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot). Sometimes if you live in the shadow of a famous sibling you have to do something different, and Frank definitely has with his singing career and unique acting career, just like I will give you something different to the end this Bullet Points, The Pink Chiquitas Bonus Bullet Points.

• Everything is Alright – It should come as no surprise with a movie starring Frank Stallone, but the soundtrack is a highlight of The Pink Chiquitas. Frank and Eartha Kitt both perform some of the songs, and the composer was none other than Paul Zaza.
• Nip It In the Bud – Don Lake as Deputy Barney was another highlight and a perfect copy of Barney Fife, although I never saw the Mayberry deputy with a flamethrower.
• If You Ever… – Wanted to see Frank Stallone fishing while wearing red shorts, Chuck Taylors, a shoulder holster with no shirt and a Gilligan style bucket hat then The Pink Chiquitas is for you.
• If You Ever… – Wanted to see the above described Frank Stallone getting dragged by a fish water skiing style than The Pink Chiquitas is for you.
• Sick Burn – Tony making fun of the mayor’s hair piece was the best zinger in a gag filled movie.
• Mob Rules – Any movie that has an angry mob that features a blood thirsty old lady is ok in my book.