Bullet Points: The Gardener
My favorite type of Christmas movie is a Christmas action movie. From Die Hard to Die Hard 2 to Lethal Weapon, there’s something about action centered around Christmas time that gets me into the holiday spirit.
Color me surprised when I realized my latest screener, The Gardener, is a Christmas action movie. Ho! Ho! Ho! Let’s go, Robert Bronzi!! Just a friendly reminder The Gardener will be available on Digital, On Demand and DVD just too late for Christmas on December 28th from Lionsgate. The Gardener stars Robert Bronzi and Gary Daniels.
- Jingle Bells: No need to go into major plot details when I can sum up the film in one brief sentence: A home invasion goes wrong when a gang of thugs led by Gary Daniels matches wits with Robert Bronzi aka The Gardener. Talk about a powerhouse duo. Gary Daniels has been making action movies for as long as I can remember, and Robert Bronzi has been Charles Bronson’s doppelgänger since the day he was born. What more could you possibly want? Since Bronzi plays a gardener, he plants flowers and does other chores you would expect a gardener to do, while Gary Daniels thinks he’s The Last Samurai, and he takes out his frustrations on his underlings by breaking a neck or two. I guess that’s less Christmas bonuses to hand out. And, you all thought the boss who fired his workers by Zoom was a monster.
- Deck the Halls: Home Invasion movies are my jam. I just had a thought: The Gardener is kinda like Home Alone. I am feeling more and more jolly as I type this review up. The baddies wear scary masks. Nothing says creepy like a good scary mask. One of the plot lines you always see in films similar to this is: The bad guys don’t realize someone is in the house. Or, they underestimate the people inside the house. You should never underestimate Robert Bronzi. The baddies in The Gardener receive the Stupid Criminal Award. They are as sloppy as sloppy seconds. The supporting cast is as dull as dull can be. You don’t care what happens to anyone but Bronzi. You sit and wait for the eventual Bronzi vs. Daniels fight to the death.
- Frosty the Snowman: When the gardener uses garden tools as weapons of destruction, you know the action has a chance to be badass. What insightful thinking! I could have sworn I was watching Walter Hill’s Hard Times. The way Bronzi throws a punch reminded me so much of the way Charles Bronson used to throw a haymaker. Did I tell you about the amazingly worded script? An actual line: “There’s only one person who could have done this, THE GARDENER!” What a tagline! Even though I believe the baddies are bland, at least they know how to kick and throw a jab. They must’ve trained at Gary Daniels’ dojo or watched Death Kiss on infinite loop.
- Santa Baby: Robert Bronzi is living the dream. While The Gardener isn’t the sharpest polished action movie of the year, it is Bronzi being Bronzi. You should know exactly what you are getting yourself into if you decide to watch. The Gardener doesn’t pretend to be anything it isn’t. All my Bronzi fans should be pleased with the results.
- Grade: C-
