Bullet Points: Space Truckers (1996)

Dennis Hopper has had a very strange career. Think about the man who started his career back in the 1950’s and later starred in movies like Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, and Blue Velvet. Then fast forward to the 1990’s and he does a string of movies like Super Mario Bros., Waterworld, and Space Truckers. Despite his selection process when it comes to film, you can never say that Hopper phones it in and you have to respect that.

While many people wax nostalgic about Super Mario Bros. and I tend to like Waterworld, Space Truckers is one of the movies I either completely missed or totally forgot about. It’s weird to think that it came out just one year before Starship Troopers since the effects in it are nowhere near as good, but it is directed by Stuart Gordon (Re–Animator, Fortress) so you there is good to be seen in it.

Synopsis: A space trucker and his cute fiancee are on their way from a space station to Earth with an unknown cargo. When space pirates hijack them, 5000 disintegrator robots are found in the cargo.

• Commercial Space: I have no idea what year it is but it reminds me a whole lot of Spaceballs and I mean that in a good way. Space is super commercialized and there are strange outposts which resemble the diners of old, but there is also some evil nefarious shit happening as well. The Company, which you know must be evil by their name, is testing some wild robot warriors that are capable of taking down entire armies. Charles Dance is the wise doctor who created them and then gets promptly betrayed. Never trust a corporate stooge who is in it for money AND power.
• The Common Man: The Dusty Rhodes of space trucking is John Canyon, played by the always great Dennis Hopper. It’s a fantastic name for an action hero even though John, in this case, isn’t much of a hero. He’s an independent trucker who doesn’t really play by the rules of the company and often times loses because of it. He is, however, hot to trot for young waitress by the name of Cindy (Debi Mazar). She’s far too young for him but she’s desperate and John plays to that a bit.

• Time to Go: Filling out the rest of their crew is young stud and rookie trucker Mike Pucci (Stephen Dorff). He’s also got the hots for Cindy and gets tossed in with them after a not so good run-in with the corporate types. The new crew decides to take on a load of goods which have equal parts mystery and danger on board but you can’t be too picky when you’re in the type of pickle that they find themselves in. The new crew is easily the best part of the film. John turns into more a father role (even though he’s originally trying to marry Cindy) and Mike and Cindy steal kisses with one another when ole’ dad isn’t around.
• An even Bigger Pickle: The ocean is a big fuckin place but space is even bigger. This isn’t exactly the wild wild west here but it’s more like the 17th century Caribbean where pirates roamed around and stole shit at their own leisure. In this situation, John’s rig gets taken in by some recognizable pirates who should have known not to mess with their load.

• Don’t Mess with the Load: We’re not talking about cybernetic penises here! The trucking world is full of people trying to hijack loads and this space version is no different. Pirates beware, though, because this long-ass thing is carrying all sorts of dangerous shit. John figures it out while nosing around in space but the pirates don’t listen to him and learn about it the hard way.

• Electrical Wang Pulse: You have to give it to the good pirate Captain, he’s a genius. He’s managed to rebuild most of his body after nearly being obliterated and he even turned his dick into some sort of pleasure machine complete with electrical wang pulse and a little pull string. The sad part is that it malfunctions just when he needs it most and he’s left his both his mechanical dick and its pull string in his hand.

• Off to Earth: While John and his new crew spend plenty of time at odds with The Company and the pirates who take over his rig, the real bad guys turn out to be the extremely lethal robots filling the back of his rig. The film doesn’t play up the ramifications of them getting to Earth enough and it’s kind of used as and afterthought in the end. The robots actually look pretty cool in the film but we only see them in action a couple of times and I would bet that a guy like Stuart Gordon could have done way more with them if given the time and money.

Be gentle with me, it’s been a while since I gave any Bonus Bullet Points:

• Favorite Quote: “If I had an anus, I’d probably soil myself.”
• Another Awesome Quote: “You know, for a son of a bitch gimp rapist murderer, he died okay.”
• Director Stuart Gordon was able to come up with the budget for this film after the success of 1992’s Fortress.

The Verdict: Space Truckers isn’t the best or most memorable space movie from 1996 (I’m lookin’ at you Mars Attacks!) but it’s a really good time because of all the talent assembled. Dennis Hopper never phones it in and he’s his usual self here. The interesting thing about the film is that it doesn’t play much like a traditional space movie meaning that there is a whole bunch of high tech stuff or science involved. You could easily just make this a movie about a normal trucker with a load of robot killing machines and it wouldn’t play out much differently. Stephen Dorff and Debi Mazar are both good and get enough clever lines to not be overshadowed by Hopper but the true joy in the film is the small subtleties in the design and production by crew. It’s probably not the most realistic space movie of all time but it never feels silly despite the fact that it is at times. I had a great time and I encourage you to check this one out.