20 Reasons Why You Rock: Everly (2014)
For the past 20 years we’ve been bombarded with depressed comic book superheroes, Disney’s adopted unoriginal abominations, and a neutered Star Wars that feels like a copy of a copy of a copy. Add that to the never-ending Fast & Furious movies and whatever forgettable flick Ryan Reynolds has coming out this week and I’ve almost completely lost all joy in the action genre. Thankfully, in those same years that we’ve been pulled by the corporate puppets to accept their watered down but polished turds we’ve also been gifted the work of directors like Joe Carnahan, Antoine Fuqua, and Joe Lynch.
The importance of movies like Everly could easily be overlooked. For the most part, the film takes place in a single room with a female lead who isn’t the prototypical “action star”. She’s a victim, no doubt, but more importantly she’s a mother. If you’ve ever been roped into one of those nature documentaries where animals fight off much more fearsome predators while defending their herd then Everly is the type of film that you might also get drawn into. It also didn’t hurt that Salma Hayek spends most of movie in a skin-tight tank top.
This is 20 Reasons Why You Rock: Everly Edition:
#1. It starts with a naked Salma Hayek. What more could you ask for?
#2. It didn’t have to be but it IS a Christmas movie. Every year we debate which Christmas movies are the best and which ones we can even consider Christmas movies. Everly doesn’t have any real reason to be at Christmas time but then again, why the hell not?
#3. If you’re wondering how to spice up your movie, I have two words for you; Killer Whores.
#4. There are hundreds of action movies that release each year and many of them could have been better if only they had more montages. Lynch understands that and fills Everly with lots and lots of montages.
#5. Everly’s mom momming her super hard is a great scene. Being a parent isn’t easy and raising your grandchild because your daughter up and disappeared is an even tougher situation. It’s good to know that Everly’s mom doesn’t brush it off and gives her the business for it.
#6. Banzai loves balls.
#7. Most of the film takes place in the apartment/cell of Everly but when the camera leaves that room it doesn’t go far. That is where The Elevator of Death comes in!
#8. Having the video screen was a good idea. It gives a real sense of dread to know what is coming her way and it makes the setting of the film seem larger even if we’re still in that same room.
#9. Most of the movie is just Everly getting attacked by numerous people. Starting from the early Yakuza guys and then into the security dudes. A few money-hungry whores show up and then there is a dog. Then it starts to get real weird…..
#10. The Sadist is a truly bizarre time.
#11. The Sadist’s death scene fits him perfectly.
#12. Her mom gets a raw deal but you probably saw that one coming.
#13. She really kills the shit out of Taiko. He’s probably not even the most satisfying kill of the movie but it’s still a pretty good execution.
#14. There is an insane amount of blood loss for Everly. Maybe her tight-ass clothes were acting as some sort of tourniquet for her wounds.
#15. Everly isn’t your typical hero but she does learn to kill with a myriad of weapons. Guns, bladed weapons, explosives….she’s a regular John Wick by the end.
#16. Speaking of raw deals, little Maisey might have the rawest of them all. If Bruce Wayne grew up to be Batman then little Maisey should grow up to be the next Paul Kersey!
#17. Those medics didn’t even have gloves on!
#18. Joe Lynch gets the save! The director makes it on screen as the SWAT guy carrying the little girl from the scene.
#19. There is some strange connection with action movies and Christmas time. It just works so well, especially when you add classic Xmas music to the film. There also seems to be this big thing in Hollywood where traditional songs are covered and made much moodier. Just watch any trailer from the past 5 years and you’ll see what I mean.
#20. Not today Satan. Still waiting on that Everly 2….
