Bullet Points: The Retrievers

Have you ever heard of 1982’s The Retrievers? Before watching it the other day, I sure as hell never did… but now here I am, spreading the word about The Retrievers in this edition of Bullet Points…

• Somewhere in South America: An unidentified dignitary is enjoying a poolside birthday celebration for his young daughter’s birthday. Little does he know that The Retrievers have infiltrated his estate! The guards on the perimeter have systematically been taken out… the three guarding the main gate get karate kicked into oblivion, the guard dog gets knocked out and his handler killed by a pair of hedge clippers, the guard in the watchtower gets his neck snapped, the roof top guard gets the garrote… which leads to The Retrievers surrounding the pool party just as the little girl blew out her candles. I doubt the little girl wished her father would be abducted using the old ether on the rag technique and that she and the rest of her family and all the hired help would then be shot execution style… but if she did, The Retrievers made that birthday wish come true. One member of The Retrievers, Danny Burke is visibly upset that his fellow Retrievers took things so far… they were only supposed to RETRIEVE the unidentified dignitary, not slaughter his family and employees.
• Somewhere in Southern California: Tom Cathral (Max Thayer, No Retreat, No Surrender 2) is catching some rays and ogling his neighbor when he gets an unexpected visit from his old buddy Jack Mitchell… Jack points out what a loser Tom is and to add insult to injury talks about his great life… working for The Company (that’s the C.I.A. or Central Intelligence Agency for those in the know) traveling the world, banging broads Tom can only wet dream about and driving a Ferrari. Jack then informs Tom that The Company is looking for electronics experts and he thinks Tom would be perfect for the spot… Tom isn’t interested at first since he’s not into violence, but Jack assures him it will be non-violent work, wire tapping and surveillance… now Tom is interested. And my interest picked up too because I actually recognized Max Thayer, something I could not say for the rest of the cast.

• His First Assignment: Just like Jack promised… Tom’s first job is to bug a telephone in an office building. Tome is paired up with CIA veteran Phillip. When a janitor happens upon the two in the act… Phil tells Tom to finish the job and he’ll deal with the janitor. I don’t think Phil was prepared for the janitor to be as handy with a mop as he was, but Phil eventually eliminates the janitorial problem PERMANENTLY… something he does not disclose to the non-violent Tom… Just after a taste of that sweet, sweet Company money, Tom finds himself with a flight attendant girlfriend and the desire to do more. That’s when Phil takes Tom to see Mr. Benton, who offers Tom a job as one of The Retrievers! And he’ll start retrieving tonight… the target Danny Burke!
• When Danny Comes Marching Home: Danny Burke has been off the grid since the South America debacle, but has resurfaced and returns home to see his family… his parents are traveling in Europe but Danny’s sister Janice is there as well as the Burke family’s beloved housekeeper Irma. After Danny enjoys a good homecooked meal courtesy of Irma, he tells his sister that he has quit The Company and that he has something for her to read… a tell-all book about his experience with The Company. And that’s about the time Phillip and Tom show up posing as water delivery men to get inside… but Danny knows it is bullshit and pulls his gun. Irma ends up dead thanks to Phillip and Tom quickly realizes this is not what he signed up for. Danny runs upstairs and Tom and Phillip soon follow… Tom finds Janice hiding in a closet with Danny’s manuscript, but says nothing. Meanwhile out in the hallway Phillip and Danny brawl, before Phillip is able to cuff Danny and bring him in.

• Take This Job and Shove It: Tom finds out that the reason The Company wanted Danny Burke was because Danny was about to spill the beans on them. When Danny refuses to talk, even after being tortured, The Company brain trust deduce that Danny probably gave his manuscript to his sister… so now they are going after Janice, but that’s where Tom draws the line and ends up siding with Janice. The two now have to evade The Company goons at every turn and figure out a way to get Danny’s book published. That leads them to a well known anti-censorship advocate, Maria St. Martin, who happens to be in town to speak at a publisher’s convention. After reading the manuscript Maria agrees to publish the book… underground style! But The Company is getting some organized crime help to stop the underground publishing! Now you may be thinking a TV repairman, the sister of a former Company man and a rag tag group of underground publishers don’t stand a chance against professional criminals and killers, but you have to remember you’re watching an action movie.

Movies like The Retrievers are why Tubi was invented. Tubi is filled with obscure titles that are put in front of a new audience (as long as they are willing to sit through some commercial breaks) that would otherwise be lost to the sands of time.

There was one scene that sold me on The Retrievers and made it worth sitting through all the commercial breaks… it comes in the latter stages of the movie. Tom goes to rescue Danny but the karate man, who was the most impressive of the bunch in South America and really the only impressive bad guy in the entire movie, attempts to stop Tom and the worse for wear Danny from escaping when he rolls up… Tom ends up being a glorified kicking bag, but it distracts the karate man long enough for Danny to find a briefcase filled with shuriken in the front seat of the karate man’s car… shuriken that Danny puts to good use!

Now let’s make good use of these Bonus Bullet Points…

• Favorite Quote: “What in the hell is wrong with you? You stupid fucking idiot!” – Mr. Benton
• If You Ever: …wanted to see a fat guy use apples as a weapon, then The Retrievers is the movie for you.
• Disturbing Quote: “One more fuck up like tonight and your fucking ass will be in China and your balls in Istanbul.” – Mr. Benton
• Montage Alert: There are three montage moments in The Retrievers… first is the romantic montage between Tom and Janice… then there is the recruiting workers montage as Tom tries to find the necessary help to get Danny’s book published… and last but not least, my favorite montage in the entire movie, a still photo montage documenting the book printing process.