Bullet Points: Slayers (2022)
You may have noticed that it’s the horror-filled month of October and even we at Bulletproof Action are celebrating with all sorts of Scary Good Action. We recently released our very special Bulletproof Podcast episode featuring our favorite Vampire Action movies and while I am only just now watching 2022’s Slayers, I’m hoping it’s worthy of a list such as this. Let’s find out!
Synopsis: A group of superstar influencers are drawn to a reclusive billionaire’s mansion only to find themselves trapped in the lair of an evil vampire. The only way out is to be saved by a famous online gamer and an old school vampire hunter.
- History: Vampires have been around for as long as humankind. I know this because that’s what narrator Thomas Jane just told me. To be honest, having Thomas Jane narrate anything is a good idea. He has that deep and weathered sound to his voice and I feel like I want to believe what he says. I can’t exactly explain how vampirism started or how it’s been around so long, but I do know that Thomas Jane’s Elliot Jones has a kill list and Ivanka Trump is definitely on it!
- The Stream Team: If you can say anything about Slayers from the very start, it has its finger on the pulse of the current world that we’re living in. People are far too invested and concerned about social media (follow us on Twitter) and it wastes little time in getting right to the meat of the story. Much of that story is given to us through narration, which isn’t all bad considering it is Thomas Jane. A major problem as the movie moves forward is just how little we get from the villains and the heroes/victims since neither of them say much. It’s mostly just Thomas Jane telling us everything we need to know.
- Speaking of Tom Jane: We do get an origin story to fill us in on who and what Elliot Jones is all about. His daughter was killed by a vampire and it’s sent him on a revenge-fueled mission ever since to destroy all bloodsuckers. He is honing in on his #1 target and learns that The Stream Team is going to their secret compound for some secret business.
- Idiot schmuck turd: There are a few good insults thrown out by Elliot Jones during this film but this might be my favorite. He’s clearly talking about the vampires but I would just as much prefer that he were talking about the editor and whoever put all that dubstep in this movie.
- Take the shot: The main vampire family in this film is using their massive power at the head of a BioTech company to push out a vaccine that “keeps the blood pure” for their consumption. That’s not what they’re telling the public, of course. They give all sorts of language about fending off disease and living forever. I don’t know what is more repugnant, the fake vaccines or the extreme overuse of dubstep music?
- Humans vs Vamps: At some point, the shit hits the fan and anyone with flat teeth are in trouble. The Stream Team are mostly made up of idiots and money-driven whores so they couldn’t care less what is happening as long as they get fame and money from it. There is one streamer (the gamer, Flynn) who begins to see through it all and wanders off before she finally meets Jane’s Elliot Jones.
- “Things are about to go from mildly nightmarish to batshit fucking crazy.”: While that is a line from the film, it never really gets anywhere near “mildly nightmarish”. The movie is extremely tame by any standard and it really feels like it loses points because of this fact. Netflix’s Day Shift is another recent vampire movie that uses a lot of the same vampire tropes as this one. They both talk about families of vampires hidden around the globe in plain sight but Day Shift had a much better action sequences and wasn’t afraid to kill the shit out of some people. My biggest complaint about Slayers is that it never lives up to the cool name that it has. Sure, Thomas Jane is a slayer and you could argue that Kara Hayward turns into one by the end but it just isn’t enough to keep this movie from failing.
- VR and Deepfake: These vampires are using the latest in technologies but they still haven’t learned about security cameras and a fucking guard dog. As much as I wanted to enjoy myself watching this brand of vampire comedy I just kept asking myself “what in the hell were they thinking?” The amount of holes in this film could sink Pangea right into the sea and don’t even get me started on how badly they squandered the always foxy Malin Ackerman.
The Verdict: With Smile and Terrifier 2 both blowing up the box office in the month of October, it should be the right time for movies like this to premiere to a big pop. The problem for Slayers, however, it just doesn’t have the right type of juice to squeeze out all of that Halloween money from moviegoers. It has an interesting story and who doesn’t love Thomas Jane, but going for laughs and jokes instead of creepiness and dread was a big mistake. I liked Jack Donnelly and Kara Hayward as the brother/sister duo but there are just too many things about this movie that didn’t work for me. Watch any number of films from the latest episode of the Bulletproof Podcast instead of this one.
