Bullet Points: Toy Soldiers (1984)

Earlier this year, while preparing for Episode 91 of The Bulletproof Podcast where we covered 1991’s Toy Soldiers, I couldn’t help but think about the OTHER Toy Soldiers movie released in 1984 by New World Pictures.

With the exception of the name and both being in the action genre, the two movies really don’t have much in common. And unlike my recent revisit of 1991’s Toy Soldiers where I went in with many a fond memory of the film, I went into my revisit of 1984’s Toy Soldiers with only vague memories at best…

• Sarge in Charge: Amy (Terri Garber) and some of her college friends are on a voyage to Central America on her father’s boat. Amy’s father hired Sarge (Jason Miller, The Exorcist) to look after the kids and his boat. In addition to his “babysitting” duties, Sarge also provides the narration in the early portions of the film, introducing us to Amy and her friends that include Amy’s main squeeze Jeff, Larry the runt, baseball player Boe (Tim Robbins, Top Gun), Buffy, the big clown known as Tom and Amy’s cousin Trevor (Larry Poindexter, American Ninja 2) and Trevor’s new flight attendant girlfriend Monique (Tracy Scoggins, The Cutter)… As you might imagine, the college kids are more than a handful as they drink and party all day and all night, enjoying the freedom of summer… although the fun is about to come to an abrupt stop.

• Sarge Not in Charge: In one of the last bits of frivolity, the kids strand Sarge out on a dingy and then take off on the boat without him. Cue a party on the boat montage that ends when the buffoonish Tom is acting a fool, stumbles and splits his head wide open. They need to get Tom some medical attention ASAP and that means they need to go ashore. Larry and Boe are blacked out drunk so they are no help, Trevor decides someone should stay behind and watch the boat and wait for Sarge to catch up, which leaves Amy, Jeff, Buffy and Monique to help get Tom to a doctor. What they find instead is themselves taken prisoner by some rebel soldiers who are more than happy to have some Americans to hold hostage to help raise money for their cause.
• Sarge to the Rescue: Amy’s mouth ends up getting her in trouble and almost executed… that is until the head of the rebel forces, Colonel Lopez, shows up and decides to interrogate and then humiliate Amy before they put her in the hole. Amy manages to escape with some help from a dead priest and Sarge, who shows up after getting the 411 from Trevor on what happened. Amy tries to get Sarge to go back for the others, but Sarge is smart enough to know if they go back, NOBODY is going home. Sarge does get Amy back to her family and home in Beverly Hills. Even though Mr. Green has Amy back, he blames the entire fiasco on Sarge, even after Amy tells him about the prank they pulled on Sarge. Mr. Green is having none of it and neither is Sarge, he tells Mr. Green to shove his boat up his rich ass and then takes his leave. Meanwhile, the horror of what happened to her and the thought of what is happening to her friends eats away at her and her only real comfort is from the family butler, Ace played by Willard E. Pugh of Traxx and RoboCop 2 fame.

• Sarge to the Bar: The next time we see Sarge he is recapping his buddy Buck (Cleavon Little, Blazing Saddles) on the shit job he just quit when lo and behold who tracks him down at the bar… Amy. Amy wants to go back to rescue her friends, she blames herself for what happened and she is willing to risk her life to make things right. Sarge tells her they are going to need plenty of manpower and money to make it happen… Amy then recruits Trevor, Boe, Larry and Ace for the rescue mission and sells her Rolex and her father’s limousine to raise funds. Amy and company return to see Sarge and Sarge says “I told you 15 trained men and $50,000. You bring me four boys and a chick. All I got is a bunch of toy soldiers”. I could have shut the movie off right then and there and been a happy man… that’s about the time that Buck shows up with that morning’s paper and news that Tom’s body was found in a garbage can at the U.S. Embassy and that the other American prisoners will be executed at dawn on the 4th of July. That means there’s only 36 hours left and Sarge is going to have to make due with what he’s got if those kids have any chance.
• Sarge to the Rescue Again: The last 20 minutes or so of the movie is devoted to the rescue mission, which doesn’t exactly go as planned. Something to be expected when you have a team filled with rank amateurs. Fortunately the college kids turned commandos have Sarge and Buck to lean on and the element of surprise on their side. There’s grenades being tossed around, guns blazing, one rebel on fire and a pyro display fitting of the 4th of July time crunch the rescue team was facing.

As I mentioned in my introduction, I went into 1984’s Toy Soldiers with a vague memory of what I had seen years ago and the main thing I had forgotten was just how fun the movie was. The short 85 minute runtime did some how manage to drag in a few spots, but the highs more than make up for the lows.

After watching again, I was also reminded that before my beloved Iron Eagle, before The Rescue… it was Amy Green and her friends as an unlikely rescue team. Speaking of unlikely, it is unlikely that I would finish this review and not include some Bonus Bullet Points…

• Favorite Quote #1: “Where’s dipshit?” – Sarge
• If You Ever: …wanted to see Larry Poindexter moon someone, then 1984’s Toy Soldiers is the movie for you.
• Favorite Quote #2: “Where’s The A-Team when you need it?” – Larry
• If You Ever: …wanted to see Tim Robbins do his best Gallagher impersonation, then 1984’s Toy Soldiers is the movie for you.
• Music, Music, Music: Bond… Leland Bond receives the music credit for Toy Soldiers, however a good chunk of the score sounded very similar to Rob Walsh’s amazing Revenge of the Ninja score.