Bullet Points: Hard Bastard
As juvenile as it may sound, one of my favorite things about going back in time and revisiting old school Kung Fu movies is their liberal use of the word bastard. The more times it is said the better. It never gets old to me. So when I came across 1982’s Hard Bastard, I was instantly engorged with excitement! Surely a movie with bastard in the title had to have more bastards uttered than in any other Kung Fu classic that I have seen.
While I don’t have an official record of bastard counts (at least not yet), I would say 8 or 9 is probably the current high water mark based on my personal experiences. Given the runtime of the average Kung Fu classic, you are looking at about one bastard every ten minutes… but that’s the average Kung Fu classic, not one with the word bastard in its title. A Kung Fu classic WITH bastard in the title should have DOUBLE the amount of bastards in my estimation… so that means we are looking for 16 to 18 bastards to be dropped in Hard Bastard.
- Peddle to the Metal: The movie begins with our hero Hwang Jang-Lee (and his big buddy played by Kim Ki-Joo confronting a gangster who had repossessed their musical instruments after they refused to pay him protection money. The gangster wakes up with the tip of a sword being pressed up against his jugular by Hwang who then forces the gangster to get out of bed and show Hwang and Kim where he stashed their instruments. Once they get their stuff back they decide to have more fun at the expense of the gangster by having him strip down to his unmentionables and play a song for them… eventually the gangster’s minions show up and Hwang Jang-Lee gets to show off his exceptional kicking skills taking all the guys out with a little help from Kim and Kim’s sister / Hwang’s fiancée who shows up with a slingshot. There is a serious lack of character names in this movie, but in the opening scene we did get two bastards!
- Herbal Remedy and the Tijuana Brass: The street performing trio move on to Shanghai where they will peddle Dr. Chan’s Herbal Remedy in between musical performances and physical stunts. Kim tells the captivated crowd that Dr. Chan’s Herbal Remedy can cure everything from the cold to the clap. One woman in the crowd asks if it can help cure her infant son’s farting problem. Just then The Collector shows up and tells Hwang it will cost them $100 a day to peddle their medicine in his town…. Hwang isn’t having it and tells the collector to bugger off. The Old Cook who runs a noodle stand nearby can’t believe what he just saw… he warns Hwang that he just bought himself some trouble by doing that and then he tries to get the trio to have lunch at his stand.
- Who’s The Boss?: When The Collector returns to his boss and tells him the trouble he had with the street performing trio, The Boss has two of his heavies track down Hwang and they find him at the barber shop getting a clean shave… moments later they end up beaten and thrown out into the street in their drawers… When the boss hears of this, he decides he is going to take care of it himself. And by himself, I mean him and a whole gang of guys. The feet and fists start flying with Hwang on top once again… three more bastards are dropped before The Boss walks away telling Hwang that he’ll be back…. The Boss then goes to see his business partner who he refers to as The President for help… unfortunately The President is away, but his right hand man believes he can handle it for The Boss. We also get two more bastards during that conversation!
- Pitching a Tent: There is no place to stay in town, so the musical trio decides to camp out in the nearby woods. We get a pitching a tent montage and then Hwang Jang-Lee gets the shits! Apparently the Old Cook’s noodles aren’t agreeing with him… Hwang’s fiancée goes into town to get him some medicine since admittedly Dr. Chan’s will only make his condition worse. While she is there, she is confronted by The Collector and some thugs, she refuses to come with them and a fight ensues and she starts off strong but it’s not long before the odds work against her… but that’s when Ho Lin shows up like a knight in shining armor and sends the bad guys packing. Ho Lin politely refuses a drink invitation to thank him for his gallantry and then heads to what was the gym he used to train at, that has now been converted into a nightclub. Ho Lin demands to speak to the owner, who turns out to be The President, who tells Ho Lin if he has any questions go talk to his father… The Boss! Ho Lin is upset that his father is doing business with gangsters… The Boss tells Ho Lin, he needs to go back to school in Peking, but hard headed Ho Lin says he is not leaving Shanghai as long as his father is in cahoots with gangsters… there’s another bastard dropped during all of this.
- Quarrel Quarrel Hallelujah: Back at the campsite, Hwang hears the story from his fiancée about Ho Lin and immediately jumps to the conclusion that it was all a set up and not only did she fall for it, she fell in love with Ho Lin too. Hwang heads into town since he is hungry after all that shitting… he ends up at the nightclub that used to be a gym, he notices one of the waitresses, Ling Ling, being harassed, then when a waiter comes to Hwang’s table for his drink order, Hwang foolishly tries to order some food, which causes a fight with the waiter and some of the President’s goons… Hwang takes off (but not before someone is called a bastard again) and ends up at the Old Cook’s noodle stand (which must be open 24/7)… the goons find Hwang there and that’s where we see there’s more to the Old Cook than meets the eye. The Old Cook is so impressive fighting off the goons that Hwang begs him to become his teacher… but the Old Cook is not interested.
- There’s Something About Ho Lin: Hwang is on the outs with his fiancée, the Old Cook won’t teach him to become a better fighter, The President wants him out of Shanghai by sunset and to top it all off Hwang has a falling out with Kim where they both hurl the bastard insult at one another and resulting them going their separate ways. This opens the door for a styling and profiling Hwang to go pick up Ling Ling for some romance and love making… The next day the Old Cook (who is now an Old Fortune Teller) and Hwang devise a plan where Hwang, disguised as a big shot American, will go to the President looking to purchase all of the girls who work at the nightclub… it almost works too until Hwang’s fake mustache falls off. The jig is up, the fight is on and we get a bastard and an old bastard and Hwang gets some help from Ho Lin. Next thing you know Hwang is telling Ho Lin he can have his old fiancée since he already has a new one in Ling Ling and maybe they can have a joint wedding.
- All The President’s Men: Ho Lin will not be having a joint wedding, however a joint funeral is possible since The President ends up killing Ho Lin’s father, The Boss, and Ho Lin himself… Ling Ling is nearly killed (she eventually dies from her injuries) but she manages to escape so she can warn Hwang. We get our final three bastards before Hwang ends up being taken prisoner by The President. The President orders his men to keep Hwang tied up in a warehouse and then drown him the next day. I don’t know why they didn’t just kill Hwang right then and there, perhaps they have a strict two kills per day quota… it’s a good thing they didn’t kill Hwang because then we wouldn’t get Hwang reuniting with Kim and Kim’s unnamed sister to battle all the President’s men in a big melee with some help from the Old Cook and capping it all off with a beach fight between Hwang and The President!
Hard Bastard delivered the most bastards I have ever heard in a single film with a whopping 16 (meeting my pre-movie projection) and it very well may have been the most Hwang Jang-Lee fight scenes I have ever seen in a single film too. So if you are a fan of Hwang Jang-Lee fight scenes, the word bastard or both, you’ll want to give Hard Bastard a spin. Plus, you’ll get to see Hwang in a heroic role… as long as you can overlook the fact that he is a scam artist selling people bogus medicine.
Don’t overlook these Bonus Bullet Points…
- If You Ever: ..wanted to see Hwang Jang-Lee threaten a cow, then Hard Bastard is the movie for you.
- Name That Tune: The movie starts off with the instrumental version of Barry White’s “Somebody’s Gonna Off The Man”… Later Keith Emerson’s “I’m Comin’ In” from Nighthawks can be heard… And last but not least, when Hwang goes to the nightclub, “The Charleston” is playing.
- AKA: Hard Bastard is also know as Raging Rivals and Hands of Lightning.
