Bullet Points: 9 ½ Ninjas!
I don’t know whose idea it was to make a ninja spoof of the erotic drama 9 ½ Weeks, but that person is a genius. If you add ninjas to any movie the chance of me watching goes up tenfold. Ninjas don’t necessarily make a movie good, but they do make it watchable. I wonder what the ninjas do for 9 ½ Ninjas! That is what the Bullet Points are for, you big dummy.
- Legit Opening – 9 ½ Ninjas! opens with Gerald Okamura as a blind ninja master providing training and words of wisdom to a young Joe Vogue. I like how the movie tricked us into thinking there will be some bona fide martial artists, but after the opening credits roll we don’t see ol’ Gerry anymore. The movie jumps to a grown up Joe Vogue (Michael Phencie) and we later meet his other ninja master, Mr. Ninja. By the way, Mr. Ninja is a hand puppet that has a mind and voice all of his own. So it is going to be that kind of movie.
- Gag Me With a Spoon – 9 ½ Ninjas! is a total spoof movie with a gag or goof every second of the film. Nothing is taken seriously and everything is played for laughs. That is one thing you need to know if you are going to watch 9 ½ Ninjas! otherwise you are going to be really upset. The upside of having nothing but gags is that some of them land (many of them don’t) and there are laughs to be had along with ninjas. Just as one example Joe has one fight wearing a Wonder Bread-esque polk-a-dotted ninja outfit with Wonder Ninja on the back.
- Conopoly – The plot of 9 ½ Ninjas! deals with real estate mogul Arnold Gruber (Robert Fieldsteel) attempting to buy up a bunch of property to build a large real estate development in a plan he calls Conopoly… because the properties have Monopoly names and he is a con. Gruber’s plan hits a snag when he attempts to evict Joe Vogue from his apartment (the Boardwalk Apartment). Joe Vogue has grown up to be a successful businessman who still has his ninja training. Gruber and Vogue do get a chance to dance on an oversized novelty Conoply board which might be my favorite set in the movie.
- Ninja Training – When Joe runs into Lisa Thorne (Andee Gray), another victim of Gruber, he agrees to train her in the ninja ways. Lisa is smitten with Joe but he doesn’t reciprocate because of a past relationship that led to the death of his girlfriend. A story that is told with a flashback that features his ballerina girlfriend becoming so overweight that she has to be transported by a tow truck. No one said 9 ½ Ninjas! was high art. The training does give us a ninja training montage which is a plus for any movie.
- 9 ½ Weeks – I have never seen the Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger movie, but if there is one thing everyone probably knows about it is the food scene. 9 ½ Ninjas! doesn’t leave out their take, but if you suffer from seizures you may want to skip as the strobe light is excessive and overly long. I am sure there are several other scenes that directly spoof 9 ½ Weeks so your enjoyment of 9 ½ Ninjas! may vary depending on your familiarity with the source material (but I am guessing the more sensual parts are related), but it is definitely not required viewing.
9 ½ Ninjas! is not a movie for anyone who likes a serious take on action movies. It probably will appeal most to people who want to complete their movies with ninja in the title filmography or maybe those that love 9 ½ Weeks . The spoof on an 80s movie that wasn’t a huge success was a unique choice, but I still applaud the individual who is responsible. There is plenty of action for everyone else, although it has a comical bent. I am talking about a pillow ninja fight, or the final fight that takes place on a football field which also includes announcers, cheerleaders, football players and then for some reason badminton and croquet. All of it is good stuff. If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I can offer you some 9 ½ Ninjas! Bonus Bullet Points.
- Familiar Faces – Tiny Lister (No Holds Barred) plays Cutter, the opponent Joe faces on the football field. Those other sports make sense as it limits the amount of martial arts Cutter has to do. Don Stark from That 70s Show shows his comedic chops by playing one of Gruber’s henchman who is always a different character and different voices. Rance Howard (Mr. No Legs) has a blink and you will miss it role as a ninja union negotiator.
- Marble Madness – 9 ½ Ninjas! has the most tension filled and well shot game of marbles I have ever seen.
- Ninja Interviews – In one of the better gags, Gruber interviews all sorts of ninjas to find the best to take out Joe Vogue. I will admit they might be stereotypes and potentially offensive but when an actual turtle shows up in a ninja gear and Gruber says he doesn’t think the public will go for it, I laughed.
- Bloopers – Don’t forget to stick around for the credits that include some bloopers. We need more bloopers in action movies. Bloopers is a fun word to say, give it a try right now.
