Bullet Points: 500 MPH Storm
If my hometown ever found itself in the midst of a natural disaster, I know who I would turn to for help…
- The National Weather Service (or NWS for those in the know)
- My local meteorologist, Trent Magill
- And last but not least, Casper Van Dien, because if multiple natural disaster movies have taught me anything it is that Casper has the smarts and the intestinal fortitude to weather the storm
My latest Casper Van Dien natural disaster movie experience happens to be the subject of this edition of Bullet Points, 2013’s 500 MPH Storm…
- Showtime at the Apollo: The movie begins in the Gulf of Mexico, more specifically at the Apollo Control Center where the switch is about to be flipped on an energy beam that will make off shore drilling a thing of the past and in its place, enough clean renewable energy for the entire planet. The man responsible for flipping the switch is Dr. Simon Caprisi (played by Michael Beach, who will always be the desk flipping Mr. Darnell from Lean on Me to me). Almost instantly a bunch of weather anomalies start to appear on the radar, Simon wants to turn the beam off but he gets push back from his colleagues at the Apollo. Who could have guessed shooting an energy beam into the ozone could be potentially dangerous?!?!
- Full of Hot Air: Meanwhile, one of the scientists who helped on this revolutionary energy experiment, Nathan Sims (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers) is enjoying some time with his wife Mona and teenage son Johnny at a hot air balloon festival. Moments after the Sims ascend into the sky, Nathan can’t help but notice a nasty storm brewing. As quickly as they went up in their hot air balloon, the Sims make their way back down to earth. I found it strange that Nathan did not even attempt to warn any of the other hot air balloon enthusiasts, but fuck them I guess. Nathan loads the family into their car and they race home. They are at home about the same amount of time they were in the air before Nathan tells them to grab what they can and get back into the car. Nathan must have majored in meteorology and minored in high performance driving, based on his ability to outrun tornadoes and avoid flying debris.
- Higher Ground: Simon calls Nathan since at this point even if the wanted to turn the beam off, he can’t so he needs some help from Nathan. As you might imagine due to all the crazy weather, the signal is cutting in and out… but Nathan gets enough out of it that he knows why the weather is weathering like it is and that the safest place for his family to be is up in the mountains. Once he gets them to relative safety, Nathan hooks up with the National Guard in hopes of being able to get some coordinates to Simon at the Apollo Control Center… if Simon can redirect the energy beam to the calculated coordinates he can shut the storms down and prevent a HYPERCANE with a vortex the size of Texas. But when Nathan realizes his family may not be as safe on the mountain as he thought, a brave National Guardsman steps up and volunteers to get to the cell tower where he can call in the coordinates and instructions to Simon so Nathan can go rescue his family!
- The Sims: It appears that victory has been achieved, at least briefly… but you don’t go and drop a term like HYPERCANE and then not pay it off. The coordinates that Nathan calculated like everything else in North America at that moment were all out of whack… so now Nathan is going to have to get these coordinates the hard way and he’s going to need the help of his wife and son to make it happen. Can the Sims save the world and prevent a HYPERCANE?!?! And what is going to be left of the world they once knew if they do?!?!
500 MPH Storm was aptly named, because the movie moves at a rapid pace. 500 MPH Storm throws a lot at the viewer, probably in hopes they won’t have time to ponder things like why does Nathan the scientist know how to fly a helicopter?! And why was Johnny so concerned about what happened to his teachers?!?! Or dwell on the lower budget effects. Of the three Casper Van Dien natural disaster movies I have seen, I would say 500 MPH Storm is my least favorite, but it was still worth a watch.
These Bonus Bullet Points are worth a read…
- Familiar Faces: Both Darth Vader and Spider-Ham make cameo appearances in the movie… I should point out that they do so in hot air balloon form.
- AKA: The working title for 500 MPH Storm was not surprisingly Hypercane.
- Directed by: Daniel Lusko was tapped by The Asylum to direct 500 MPH Storm. They must have been pleased with his work too because he would go on to direct to Asylum mockbusters, Top Gunner and Ape vs. Monster.
