Bullet Points: Maiden Voyage (2004)
Taking a cruise may sound like a good idea, but cruises have their fair share of problems. There are always news stories about noroviruses spreading on cruise ships like wildfire… who wants to shell out the cash to go on a cruise only to spend most of the time shitting their brains out?! There are also stories of cruise ships that get stuck at sea. That doesn’t sound appealing to me. And of course there’s the big one…. cruise ships can sink!
2004’s Maiden Voyage adds another item on the “con side” of going on a cruise… what if your cruise ship is hijacked!?!?
- Here We Go Again: The movie begins with Kyle Considine (Casper Van Dien, The Tracker) doing some non-recreational rock climbing as he infiltrates the palatial estate of a prince. Once Kyle gets on the grounds, he detonates a bomb at the front gates and activates an automated machine gun pointed towards the front of the estate, which draws the attention of all the guards stationed outside the prince’s mansion. Meanwhile inside the mansion, the prince’s security detail hurries to escort the prince to his panic room… there’s only one problem, Kyle Considine is already waiting for them at the panic room door… It turns out that Kyle works for the private security firm, Saber International, and the opening scene was merely Kyle testing the prince’s security measures (needless to say they came up wanting)… a variation on the opening action set piece is really a training exercise trope. One of these days I should write down all of the action movies I have seen start this way.
- Cabo Wabo: After his work is done, Kyle meets with his boss, Trevor Denning, who is less than enthused about the extremes Kyle went to, to test the prince’s security, even though it did bring more work Saber’s way. For Kyle it was a throwback to his days in Special Forces, for Trevor it was a reminder of the attitude problem that cost Kyle his last job as a firefighter, ended his marriage and nearly got him thrown out of the Army. Luckily for Kyle, he is the best man Saber International has. Kyle is given his next assignment… perform a security assessment on the Sun Maiden, a combination ferry/cruise ship, that will run from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas. Trevor wants Kyle to go in posing as an average citizen and provides Kyle with two ticket’s for the Sun Maiden’s maiden voyage (DING!), suggesting that Kyle take someone with him to better blend in. Kyle decides this could be a good father/son outing, so he goes to pick up his teenage son Zach at his karate dojo. It is obvious the divorce has put a strain on Kyle’s relationship with his son… but boy does Zach light up when he finds out he’s going to Cabo.
- Cruising Together: Kyle and Zach board the Sun Maiden and it is a festive atmosphere. The owner of the Sun Maiden, Curtis Price, is banking on this being the shot in the arm his failing cruise business needs and we also get an idea of his relationship with his wife Renee, which becomes important later in the movie. Kyle has an awkward interaction with Lynn Fabrizio, who he believes is the ship’s cruise director, then Kyle and Zach take their bags to their room and that’s when Kyle tells Zach he’s going to do a quick 30 minute recon of the ship and that he’ll meet him for some nachos when he is done. But only minutes into his sweep, Kyle spots something shady going on below decks… this is where he has his second run in with Lynn, who he learns is actually the ship’s head of security when she prevents him from throwing one of the bad guys overboard… when said bad guy then shoots at both Kyle and Lynn, she realizes that Kyle may have had the right idea and reluctant partnership is formed.
- Die Hard on a Cruise Ship: I should point out that Maiden Voyage was filmed in New Zealand. While the myth that toilets flush backwards Down Under has been busted, I would like to start a new myth. The Die Hard formula gets jumbled up a bit when used in a movie filmed Down Under. For example, in Maiden Voyage, the baddies know about the fly in the ointment almost from the start and I should actually say flies because Lynn is no damsel in distress, she’s former Navy after all. If anything, Zach ends up becoming the more traditional “fly in the ointment” as the movie progresses… Then there are the bad guys, easily the weakest part of the movie. Their plan in Maiden Voyage is nowhere near as elaborate as many other “Die Hard Clones” and there is also infighting between the head hijacker Damien Morse and one of his underlings (who feels he should be running the operation) Stebbings. And their plan is shit too… their original end goal is to get $10 million dollars for the hostages. $10 million!?!? What are they Dr. Evil?!?! The plan does change as greed comes into play and an unexpected villain rears his ugly head.
- Gimme What I Want: I think the ineptitude of the villains in this movie may have made me want to see them get their asses handed to them even more than if they were credible villains. It was almost like CVD was teaching them a lesson for disrespecting all the great and memorable action movie villains that came before them. Things escalate when the plan goes from ransom money to blowing up the ship and collecting insurance money… this adds a time crunch. And then Morse does do something an actual bad guy would do, he uses Zach in an attempt to stop Kyle and get away. Would an actual bad guy get thwarted by a teenager!?!? The apple didn’t fall far from the tree where Zach and Kyle are concerned.
If the internet is to be believed, I am about to give an unpopular opinion… I enjoyed Maiden Voyage and did so stone cold sober. With a 3.8 rating on IMDB and a 7% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes, I realize I am in the minority, but Maiden Voyage was a fun and easy watch, even with the Tubi commercials it flew by. Admittedly it probably helps that I am a big Casper Van Dien fan.
Casper was the reason I decided to watch Maiden Voyage and he was the only recognizable actor in the movie. If I had seen any of the other cast members in anything else it was not memorable. Props to Anton Tennet who played Zach for avoiding being cringe inducing like so many other kid/teenage characters in action movies. Zach is quite the opposite, I was rooting for the youngster. Danielle Cormack’s Lynn also made for a strong tag team partner for Casper’s Kyle… again the worst part of the movie was the villains. Was Eric Roberts not available to play the Morse role? A recognizable name in that spot would have made for a better movie and turn more viewers into fans like me.
Bonus Bullet Points make reviews better…
- Out of Context Quote: “The one thing I’m thinking of is seeing you naked.” – Lynn to Kyle
- AKA: Maiden Voyage was released as Maiden Voyage: Ocean Hijack in the United Kingdom and New Zealand.
- If You Ever: …wanted to see Casper Van Dien take out some bad guys with a jeep that’s on fire, then Maiden Voyage is the movie for you… seriously, who expects a jeep kill on a boat?!?! Kudos to Maiden Voyage for taking advantage of the ferry/cruise ship aspect of the movie.
