Bullet Points: If Looks Could Kill

Richard Grieco is an actor that I have missed most of his famous television work. You will find Checklists on this website for 21 Jump Street, Booker and even Marker but they were not from me. There is only one thing I think of when it comes to Richard Grieco and that is the 1991 spy action/comedy film If Looks Could Kill. In honor of Richard Grieco, I thought it was high time to revisit and this time provide you with some If Looks Could Kill Bullet Points.

• Bon Voyage – Richard Grieco stars as high school graduate Michael Corben, except he is missing credits because he never went to his French class. If you thought Richard Grieco was too old to play even a fake high school student in 21 Jump Street then you will have a hard time with an even older Richard Grieco playing an actual high school student in If Looks Could Kill. Corben is the typical cool high schooler in movies and perhaps would come across as cocky and annoying except Richard Grieco is extremely likable in the role. The only way for Corben to get the credits to graduate is to go with the French Club on a trip to France.
• Agents Provocateurs – If Looks Could Kill cuts to The Who frontman Roger Daltrey as British spy Blade infiltrating a large compound only for him to be murdered. Don’t know why Roger Daltrey was needed for that glorified cameo, as he doesn’t say much, let alone sing or belt out a scream. We do learn right away that Augustus Steranko (Robert Rees) is the main bad guy with his top henchwoman Ilsa Grunt (Linda Hunt) and henchman Zigesfeld (Tom Rack). These villains are the first James Bond themed aspect of the movie, Steranko is a megalomaniac who wants to melt all of Europe’s gold to start his own monetary unit, Ilsa Grunt is a dead ringer for Rosa Klebb in From Russia with Love, and Zigesfeld has a deadly mechanical arm.

• Déjà Vu – What are the odds that the British plan on using an American spy that is so deep undercover that no one knows what he looks like to find out what happened to Blade and his name happens to be Michael Corben? Pretty long, but I am not a betting man. This mistaken identity leads to all of the shenanigans in If Looks Could Kill. Spy Corben gets killed, but high school Corben ends up with his first class ticket and all the royal spy treatment once he ends up in France. I’m talking more James Bond type stuff, fancy new clothes, a new Lotus Esprit and of course hilariously introduced gadgets à la Q.
• Laissez-Faire – Corben is along for the ride and content not letting everyone know who he really is as long as he is getting treatment par excellence. That includes having everyone think that the French Club is led by the deadly French Teacher and all the students are hired mercenaries. Poor Mrs. Grober is in for a real ride in If Looks Could Kill. Corben keeps managing to avoid danger, almost always accidently, like when he avoids the attempt on his murder by the femme fatale Areola Canasta (classic Bond-esque name!) by failing to get a British spy issue condom in a metal container opened. Things change when he runs into the lovely Mariska (Gabrielle Anwar, Burn Notice) who he later learns is the daughter of Blade. Corben decides to help Mariska take down Steranko and save lots of people in the process.

• Coup De Grâce – A final showdown in a French chateau sees all the major players involved. And as likable Richard Grieco has been as Michael Corben, this is the first time he has any of the heavy lifting to do. Corben, with some help from those gadgets and lots of gunfire and explosions, is actually able to save the day instead of never being able to follow through. A crazy, over the top villain layer, like any good Bond villain would have, that includes a large gold smelting facility at the heart of it makes for a great action set piece and you know someone is going to end up in a pot of molten gold. This isn’t much of a mystery if Corben will save the day, rescue his classmates and get the girl… but will he get the class credits?

If Looks Could Kill is a movie that shows what could have been for Richard Grieco. He is very likable as Michael Corben, but for most of the movie he kind of slides by without having much to do which not only hurts the character, it hurts the movie. However, the over the top villains and action are enough to keep me coming back for more. The obvious James Bond spy movie spoof elements are fun enough on their own, but are an added bonus for those familiar with the series. As an added bonus to these Bullet Points I have some If Looks Could Kill Bonus Bullet Points.

• Not To Be Confused With – If Looks Could Kill is not only the name of multiple TV movies and a 1986 thriller, but I can’t help but that of classic Mötley Crüe song “Looks That Kill.”
• Soundtraxx – No Mötley Crüe, but the music is a plus of If Looks Could Kill with the likes of Trixter, The Outfield, The Fixx, Kylie Minogue and among others. I can’t leave out Glen Mediros performing the title track. All good stuff.
• Familiar Faces – Frederick Coffin plays U.S. Air Force Lt. Col. Larabee, code name “mother” and I always remember him from Memorial Day. One of the top British intelligence officers, Haywood, is played by Micheal Sinelnikoff, and along with Tom Rack, where both in The Final Heist.
• French Canadian – Although set in France, much of the action takes place in Quebec, Canada and especially the famous Manoir Richelieu.
• Hairy Question – Why does Michael Corben’s hair change lengths so rapidly from the beginning to the end of the movie?