Bullet Points: Crime Zone (1988)

I have never been the biggest David Carradine fan. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed some of his movies over the years. Lone Wolf McQuade and P.O.W. the Escape are two Carradine flicks that I have enjoyed and are part of my physical media collection.

But with that said, it isn’t really a surprise when I come across ad David Carradine movie that I have never seen, because I was honestly never seeking them out. My latest David Carradine experience, 1988’s Crime Zone, may have justified why I never sought out his movies…

• Welcome to Soleil: Crime Zone takes place in a dystopian future, specifically the police state of Soleil. As the movie begins the police are hunting down Soleil’s most wanted man, a man accused of treason for his activities with Soleil’s rival nation, Frodan…this opening scene and the kick ass Crime Zone cover art (that seemingly inspired 1991’s Futurekick) were extremely misleading and gave me a false sense of hope for what I was about to watch.
• Tier System: After getting to see the police in action, we are introduced to one of our main characters, Bone (Peter Nelson, Silk 2). Bone works as a security guard at the Gardens of Hibernation cryogenics lab, where Soleil’s favorite sons (and daughters) are put on ice. I should note that Soleil has a tier system and Bone is on the bottom tier. Being at the bottom of the barrel has likely contributed to Bone’s bad attitude… a bad attitude that Bone’s supervisor is more than happy to point out. Instead of having his contract renewed and getting bumped up to Tier 2, Bone finds himself out of a job and back to hanging out with his buddies, Creon (Michael Shaner, The Expert) and J.D. Collectively they are known as The Fuck Ups. And this was about the time I felt like I fucked up deciding to watch and review what was starting to feel more and more like a bottom tier movie.

• Love at First Sight: Bone, Creon and J.D. end up at the government sanctioned brothel known as the House of Pleasure and that’s where Bone first lays eyes on Helen (Sherilyn Fenn, The Wraith), one of the many women available at the House of Pleasure. But Bone doesn’t want his relationship with Helen to be a business transaction, he wants their relationship to be real… even though it is against the law for subgrade humans like Helen and Bone to enter into a relationship and cohabitate. This is why the Soleil government set up the brothels, to allow Tier 1 citizens to fulfill their sexual needs, 15 minutes at a time. Luckily for Bone, Helen begins to feel the same way and after outsmarting the cops on the walk back to Bone’s place, the two become fast lovers… something that does not sit well with Creon, who longs for the days when he and Bone would share women, the first sign that Creon was going to be a problem for Bone and Helen.

• Bonnie & Clyde: It was about this time that I said to myself, “I was told David Carradine was in this movie” and that’s when Carradine’s Jason first appears. Jason spots Helen and Bone steal some money and get hot and heavy in an alley. Later, he shows up at the bar where Helen and Bone are hanging out with Creon and J.D. One crime that Crime Zone did not commit was violating the bar fight rule. After Creon touches Helen in an inappropriate manner, Bone defends her honor and the two friends get into a scuffle. Helen pleads with Bone to let it go and that’s when Jason chimes in with agreement. But what he says next is much more important… Jason offers Helen and Bone a way out of their life in Soleil, all they have to do is steal a disc with all of Soleil’s dirty laundry on it. If they do, they’ll be paid handsomely and Jason will arrange for their safe passage to Frodan… a country that would allow them to live together happily ever after. The couple agree and after the job, it isn’t long before they are Soleil’s new most wanted.

• This Deal is Getting Worse All the Time: To the surprise of no one but Bone and Helen, Jason doesn’t make good on his promises and instead has nothing but excuses… however he tells Bone and Helen that another robbery could speed things along. And at this point I was hoping the movie would speed things along because like the deal, the movie was getting worse. Once Bone and Helen realize Jason is no good (and actually a member of the Soleil police force) the action picks up, but at that point my mind was already in the I Don’t Give a Shit Zone and I just wanted the movie to be over.

Crime Zone was a real coulda, woulda, shoulda movie. It coulda been good, other movies have told similar stories and were more entertaining. It woulda been a lot less boring had there been more action in the middle. And as I was watching I realized I shoulda picked something else.

It would be a crime not to check out these Bonus Bullet Points…

• If You Ever: …wanted to see a criminal executed on television by death ray to the dick, then Crime Zone is the movie for you.
• Bastard Count: One of the few positives in Crime Zone is the inclusion of my favorite mild curse word, “BASTARD”. I counted a half-dozen “bastards” being bandied about and there could have been more since this was an easy movie to zone out on.
• If You Ever: …wanted to see a female police officer demand to see a man’s dick, then Crime Zone is the movie for you.