Bullet Points: Robot Wars
Full Moon Entertainment picked up the mantle from Empire Pictures and continued many of the Empire traditions… like giant robot movies! That tradition began with 1989’s Robot Jox and would continue with 1993’s Robot Wars…
- Future Shock: The year is 2041, and what was once North America is now a desert wasteland… with one notable exception, that I will get to shortly. The United States of America was absorbed into a Western bloc known as the North Hemi. The North Hemi is looking to boost their economy with the production of defense robots known as mini-megs. These mini-megs are scaled down versions of the old mega-robots that were used for warfare decades early. Only one of those original mega-robots still exists and it has become quite the tourist attraction, with visitors coming from all over to take a ride in the mega-robot and visit that one notable exception I mentioned… Crystal Vista, a perfectly preserved 20th-century town, in what was the southwest of the United States, that was abandoned during the toxic gas scare of 1993.
- Take This Job and Shove It: Captain Marion Drake (Don Michael Paul, Rolling Vengeance) is one the mega-robot pilots and to say Drake doesn’t get along with his boss, Chief Rooney, would be a major understatement. Rooney looking to impress the visiting Eastern Alliance dignitaries, General Wa-Lee (Danny Kamekona, The Karate Kid Part II) and Chou-Sing (Yuji Okumoto, Cobra Kai), in hopes they will invest in some of mini-megs, wants Drake to show off the firepower of the mega-robot against some of the desert bandits, known as the Centros. Drake is against this order, since he has passengers on board! But Rooney’s dog and pony show is more important to him than passenger safety.
- Conspiracy Theory: Among the passengers that Drake was transporting, is one Dr. Leda Fanning (Barbara Crampton, Cold Harvest). Fanning has her issues with Crystal Vista… she doesn’t believe the town was preserved and instead, it was rebuilt after the toxic gas scare of 1993, to hide something! You would think that a cynic like Leda Fanning and a rebel like Drake would be perfect for one another… but their first meeting doesn’t go so well, with Leda trash talking the pilot, referring to him as an asshole and a jerkoff… Drake is unphased and can’t help but flirt, even going so far to say Leda needs to be spanked, which causes Leda to punch him… I don’t know about you, but I believe these two crazy kids will end up together despite this rocky first encounter… Drake not only doesn’t get the girl, he is also put on the bench by Rooney.
- Surprise: It turns out General Wa-Lee didn’t want to invest in Rooney’s mini-megs, he wants the full-size and only mega-robot remaining for himself! With some help from the Centros, Wa-Lee takes control of the mega-robot much to the surprise of Lt. Plunkett… Leda, who was snooping around Crystal Vista, finds herself in a sticky situation with Wa-Lee’s right hand man, Chou-Sing and more of the Centros. Good thing Drake and his trusty mechanic, Stumpy, didn’t have to go to work that day. They swoop in and save the day and just like that Leda and Drake are on the same page… When Wa-Lee gets word that Drake has killed his boy, Chou-Sing, he pilots the mega-robot to Crystal Vista to get his revenge! Fortunately for our heroes, Leda’s theory that Crystal Vista was hiding something turned out to be correct. Even more fortunate, the hidden object is another mega-robot that can combat Wa-Lee and his mega-robot! And just like that, we’ve got ourselves a robot war!
Full Moon Entertainment may have carried on the traditions of Empire, but sadly on a lesser scale. Robot Wars pales in comparison to Robot Jox in every way. It’s still a fun movie though, especially if you are Barbara Crampton fan or fan of pre-CGI special effects. The 72 minute runtime is also a big plus and they certainly manage to cram a lot into those 72 minutes.
I am going to cram in a few more bullet points of the bonus variety…
- Marquee Movie: The movie on the marquee at the Crystal Vista movie theater was Puppet Master 54.
- Disturbing Quote: “I hope he gets his balls shot off!” – Chief Rooney
- Bastard Count: Not surprisingly, the disgruntled Drake refers to the powers that be as “bastards”!
- Familiar Faces: Lt. Plunkett, who seemed to be nothing more than a glorified tour guide, was played by J. Downing. I remember Downing from one of my Empire favorites, Ghoulies II… Lt. Pritchard was played by Sam Scarber, who I recognized as Bosco from Over the Top.
