Bullet Points: Project: Metalbeast (1995)
Around this time of year you’re definitely going to see me watching more movies that lean towards the horror genre. It’s a thing, mostly, because of Halloween coming up but it’s also just plain fun to watch movies where monsters (of some kind) go out of control and wipe out scores of people at secret underground military facilities. Just plain fun….
Synopsis: In 1974, an unhinged CIA agent injects himself with the werewolf blood he found. After a killing spree, his body is put in suspended animation, then thawed out 20 years later by his crazy boss and a team of unsuspecting doctors.
- Lycan Hunting: As cool as it sounds to be out there hunting werewolves, I just can’t imagine a world where I would do it with just one other guy and some pistols. The one exception is if Kate Beckinsale’s character from the Underworld films sends me the invite. In that situation I would be wandering through the woods with a couple of ham hocks tied around my neck for the wolf and big ‘ole boner for Kate! For this film, we meet a Gov’t Agent by the name of Butler. He doesn’t care much for his partner hunting the werewolf but is fully committed to killing the beast and harvesting it’s precious blood.
- Gimme that blood: Butler isn’t fucking around and he’s scaring everyone with his desire for that blood. Miller (Barry Bostwick) can’t control Butler anymore and it isn’t long until he’s secretly injecting it into his veins in the hopes of gaining some superior combat skills. I highly doubt that is what will happen.
- To the future we go: We fast forward a couple of decades with Butler having been cryofrozen with his dick hanging out for all to see. How embarrassing? He totally turned into a werewolf as we all knew he would but now Barry Bostwick’s Miller has some super villainous plans for him.
- Scientists should know better: Science fiction movies have really shitty scientists. They never seem to learn that messing around with nature is a bad idea. These scientists are lead by Kim Delaney’s Dr. Anna de Carlo. Her and her team begin operating on the supposed cadaver (they don’t realize that it’s Butler and he ain’t dead) with the intention of giving it some sort of metal skin. Unbeknownst to them, the cadaver is a guy who is also a werewolf and they are about to create a whole new monster.
- Enter the beast: Butler finally breaks out of his constraints and starts offing dudes. I originally watched this movie because I saw Kane Hodder played the creature and that made me comfortable in a weird way. It’s unfortunate that the Metalbeast mostly just creeps around and then slowly kills the people with slashes to the chest or neck. I understand the budget issues but I want to see some killing on screen from my monsters.
- Facility of doom: The scientists and the soldiers without guns all run scared as the Metalbeast slowly picks them off. I say slowly because he just kinda walks around until someone crosses paths with him. It all comes down to the last few remaining humans and their silver-infused weapons.
The Verdict: I wish I could say that Project: Metalbeast was a success but that would be a mutated, metal-skinned lie. It was a fun concept, though. One that has worked so well in many other forms but never quite got off the ground here. The beast needs to do some more killing and this one didn’t show up to till late in the game. The heroes weren’t compelling or interesting in any way and why place anything on a military base if you’re not going to let you beast murder a bunch of soldiers? There are so many things I would do differently, but you have to give it to Barry Bostwick….he makes a great bad guy.
