Bullet Points: Ninja, the Battalion (1988)
What do you get when you mix 1982’s Alliance of Hung Sect with Filmark International ninja footage?
You get the subject of this edition of Bullet Points, 1988’s Ninja, the Battalion…
- A Walk in the Park: After an action packed opening title sequence that features multiple explosions, the movie abruptly switches to Alex (Alexander Lo Rei, ) walking in the park. Alex passes by two Japanese gentlemen who take issue with him and follow him into a nearby building… but when the Japanese duo get inside, Alex is nowhere to be found. The next time the Japanese duo find Alex, he is back outside sitting on a park bench… it is there where they confront Alex and accuse him of being a Chinese spy… then they attack! Alex dispatches them, before an American in a suit shows up. This turns into another quick battle, but this one ends with both men realize they are on the same side, thanks to some hand signals. We learn that the American is a guy named Steve and that he was asked to come to the park by Ken… coincidentally Alex was asked to come to the park by Ken too. Which begs the question who the hell is Ken?!? Ken Yong is the #1 secret agent and he has recruited Alex and Steve to help him find the whereabouts of four scientists who are experts in the world of germ warfare. It is believed that the scientists were kidnapped by a Japanese organization, but they need more information and that’s where Alex and Steve come in. Alex and Steve then decide the best place to look for germ warfare scientists is in the woods… where they are attacked by ninjas.
- Spill the Tea: Secret Agent Ken Yong is then taken to a restaurant by his trusted sidekick Jimmy, it is at the restaurant that through a series of signals using a fedora, hands and tea cups that Ken is able to communicate with a guy named Mark that he needs help. So Mark takes Ken to the proprietor of the restaurant/head of the Walls Organization, Mr. Clay. Ken meets with Clay and finds out that the Walls Organization has an undercover agent named Joey at the Metsui Company… and that’s who has the four kidnapped scientists locked up. We then cut to Joey, who is torturing the scientists while the Metsui guards look on… but after he tortures he uses hand signals and whispers secret messages to the scientists, something that doesn’t go unnoticed by one of the Metsui stooges.
- No Honor Among Thieves: That stooge sells out the Metsui Corporation and shows up at a discotheque and speaks to Triad boss, Mr. Truman. Truman was enjoying himself on the dance floor with the lovely Eliza, but after learning about the germ warfare scientists the dancing is done and the scheming begins. Truman’s gang then kidnaps the already kidnapped scientists, so Truman can make a deal with some Russian mobsters… Undercover Joey ends up dead during all of this, which means the Walls Organization have no idea what has happened to the scientists now… Mr. Nakamura, the head of the Metsui Company, is pissed with his guys because the scientists were taken from right under their noses! But Nakamura’s mood instantly changes when Eliza shows up to cheer him up… that two-timing trollop!
- Ladies and Germs: If you didn’t get enough of tea cup codes, there’s more of that in Ninja, the Battalion. If you didn’t get enough Alex, he’s back too and he overhears guys talking about the kidnapped germ warfare scientists. Alex and Steve snatch the two guys up and bring them in for some serious interrogation. One of the captured guys, thinking his friend has been tortured to death in the other room spills the beans… including one of the most complicated and convoluted codes ever for when the Russians arrive in Shanghai to pick up the scientists… In between all of that, Ken Yong’s trusted sidekick, Jimmy, ends up fighting with the women of the Tigress clan (led by Ruth Brooks) and eventually Jimmy is taken back to her temple. Because if there was anything this movie needed it was more characters… Alex and Steve end up using their new found information to spoil the deal between Truman’s Triad and the Russian Mob.
- This Means War: The battle lines are officially drawn at this point… Truman cuts a deal with Nakamura to sell him back the scientists… the Tigress clan being a patriotic bunch that doesn’t want to let China down, teams up with the Walls Organization to help rescue the scientists… All of the parties involved converge at Sun Valley where a massive firefight takes place involving a “cast of thousands”. My favorite part is when the forces of good send a bunch of their people out arm and arm to form a human barricade and they get picked off one by one… how was that ever supposed to work!?… I was long past the point of saying to myself “where are the ninjas?”, but interspersed with the big firefight is a ninja battle. Eugene Thomas is called in with three ninja friends to counteract the ninja skills of Alex and Steve… a couple of spoilers now, in the end only one ninja remains and it turns out that Sylvia was the #2 secret agent.
If I had a hand signal that would best describe the hand signal filled Ninja, the Battalion, it would be the classic Siskel & Ebert thumbs down. I have seen my fair share of these “cut and paste masterpieces” and this one is certainly on the lower end of the spectrum. They just don’t get much more convoluted than this and quite frankly there was not enough ninja content for my liking.
Now in order to avoid any obscene hand gestures from the Bonus Bullet Points fans, allow me to present these Ninja, the Battalion Bonus Bullet Points…
- Bastard Count: I counted two “bastards” in Ninja, the Battalion.
- I Can Relate Quote: “What the hell is going on I wonder?” – Jimmy
- Soundtraxx: Early on in the film, some of Jerry Goldsmith’s music from First Blood can be heard. Later, some of Ken Thorne’s music from Superman III was repurposed… to my recollection this is the first time I heard music from the third film in the Superman franchise “borrowed”.
- Favorite Quote: “To deal with a ninja, you must be a ninja” – Eugene Thomas
