Bullet Points: Treasure of the Moon Goddess
Once in a blue moon I come across a movie in the swashbuckling action adventure genre that surprises me that I haven’t seen it. That happened when I saw the poster for Treasure of the Moon Goddess from 1987. Was I sleeping on a hidden gem all these years or was it hidden for a reason?
- Welcome to the Jungle – Treasure of the Moon Goddess opens with a man traipsing through a jungle. We learn from a Don Calfa narration that the man stole some treasure and there is good news and bad news. Good news is has the treasure, bad news he is going to die. Thanks for the spoiler warning, Don. At least we get to see the man encounter some quicksand. Where has all the quicksand gone?
- Sizzlin’ Hot – Don Calfa plays Harold Grant, an agent who is telling the story through a flashback gimmick that is only good for some laughs at Harold’s expense, severe ogling of his secretary and pure sass from his effeminate servant Ramon. All good stuff. Meanwhile, back in the past, Harold is in South America with his top performer Lu De Belle played by scream queen extraordinaire Linnea Quigley. We see Lu singing in a dumpy bar that continues my movie led belief that all South American bars have free roaming chickens.
- Eye of the Tiger – Harold is in some trouble with some gangster types and we really don’t find out how or why it all started but the head gangster Diaz wants Harold to take Lu to a remote town. Harold hires Sam Kidd (Asher Brauner), captain of the Survivor, and his girlfriend Brandy (Joann Ayers) to take them by boat. And by hire, I mean that first Sam tosses Harold into the drink, loses a game of pool to a guy that explodes all the balls while breaking and gets his ass handed to him in an arm wrestling match. Sam could lose every game possible, but if you throw a guy into the drink you are ok in my book.
- Full Moon – Turns out that Diaz and some other bad guys are all after Lu because she resembles the moon goddess of the natives in the area. The natives that are sitting on a metric shit ton of treasure. Once a foursome make it to the small down there are comedic hijinks about with enough action spread in to equal out the fun. And by action I mean exploding boats, more quicksand, a pig pile and the obligatory bar fight… but the sword up the keister and cobra used as a weapon were not obligatory. Loved it.
- Welcome Back to the Jungle – After all the action and near misses, Lu gets kidnapped. Only to be immediately rescued and Brandy gets kidnapped. Only for everyone to get kidnapped by the natives and Harold getting bit on the ass by a tarantula. It is that kind of movie, folks. Turns out that Diaz is attempting to trick the natives by pretending to be their leader. Why he needed Lu if he had already infiltrated the tribe is beyond me, but we get an action packed cave escape ending that is fitting for an Indiana Jones movie. Well, more like fitting for a low rent Indiana Jones wannabe movie, but I still enjoyed it.
Treasure of the Moon Goddess is not really a movie that high on the scale of well written and directed movies. However, where it does rank high on is the fun. Linnea Quigley and Don Calfa outshine everyone else and their chemistry, fresh off of The Return of the Living Dead is pretty evident. Asher Brauner is actually pretty spot on as the slightly roguish hero that is easy to root for. Kudos for Mr. Brauner for being one of the writers of the screenplay. I love some double dipping. Speaking of love, I have some Treasure of the Moon Goddess Bonus Bullet Points to show my love to you.
- Not So Fast Quote – Lu says of her performance in the South American bar, “singing for a room full of hookers and Indians and midgets. Not to mention pigs and chickens.” Ah, ah, ah, I clearly mentioned the chickens in the second bullet point, Lu.
- Cancelled – Not only is Harold’s servant played for laughs, but the natives only have one person and method to help Harold with his tarantula bite. An effeminate male native that must suck out the poison from Harold’s butt that the whole tribe finds hilarious. Gay panic knows no cultural or language bounds.
- Walking Is For Suckers Quote – “Rubber wheels are better than rubber heels.”
- Spoiler Alert – See that is how it is done, Don. Our foursome find the treasure become incredibly rich and end the movie with a potential for a sequel.
