Bullet Points: The Knights of the Quest (2001)
The Middle Ages must have been a difficult time to be alive. However, you make a movie about the Middle Ages and I am all in. You cast Edward Furlong as an English knight!?!? Great time to be alive. The Knights of the Quest is an Italian/French movie that sees five knights on a mission shrouded in adventure… or should I say a shroud adventure mission.
- Team Up – The Knights of the Quest is a team up movie with disparate knights teaming up to return the Sacred Shroud from Greece to France. The Sacred Shroud or as you might know it, the Shroud of Turin, is the shroud Jesus Christ was wrapped in after his death and features his likeness. Essentially it acts as a MacGuffin for the movie. Is it blasphemous to call such a holy object a MacGuffin? Make sure to remove any references to the shroud as a MacGuffin during final editing so I can avoid burning in hell.
- Five Alive – There are five knights in the quest, but I am really only here for Edward Furlong doing an English accent as Simon di Clarendon. The movie really wants you to get to know the other knights as it takes a full hour before they actually all meet up. The first hour is an introduction to Simon, Giacomo di Altogiovanni (Raoul Bova), Vanni delle Rondini (Thomas Krestchmann), Ranieri di Panico (Marco Leonardi) and Jean de Cent Acres (Stanislas Merhar). They are all actually pretty awesome and I would have never found them without Ed.
- Satan’s Little Helper – I was not expecting Satan to have played such a huge role in The Knights of the Quest. Giacomo starts as a blacksmith working for a Satan worshiper. Giacomo is making an unbreakable sword for Vanni, a sword that is quenched in the piss of pregnant women and the excrement of wild geese. Literally unholy shit. Giacomo is not liked by most of the other knights due to their holy mission and his satanic background. I wonder if that will change?
- I Was Told F. Murray Abraham Was In This Movie – That is what I was saying to myself after over an hour and fifteen minutes into The Knights of the Quest when the f’in man showed up. Wow, did business pick up. I’m not just talking about action, which it does, but also in terms of f’in acting and f’in gravitas.
- To The Sea – F. Murray Abraham as Delfinello da Coverzano helps the boys get to Greece, which requires a boat which requires a boat repairing montage! Boat repairs are fun, but they can’t hold a candle to an onboard exorcism of Giacomo performed by Delfinello. An exorcism that sees Delfinello ask the Lord to remove Satan from every part of Giacomo including specifically his anus. Giacomo soon saves the other knights and was it because of the exorcism or was Satan still on his side? I am going to say exorcism because his now holy ass was saved almost right away by the other knights. A move that gets him knighted!
- Proud Shroud – Our knights eventually capture the shroud in a nice little stealth mission. When they see the face of Jesus it is very powerful stuff. However, that ending… straight tears.
The Knights of the Quest is the kind of action movie that fans of European film combined with historical epics might enjoy. Yes that seems to limit the audience, but did I mention Edward Furlong as an English knight? As fitting of a difficult time to be alive, the movie is surprisingly violent with blood from almost every bladed weapon of the time. Add in some disembowelment and dismemberment and you are in for a good time. Not so good is rape. When it comes to rape, I usually ask my movie for none, but I am guessing due to the language barrier, The Knights of the Quest gave us a nun rape. How about some The Knights of the Quest Bonus Bullet Points as a palate cleanser.
- Beat It – Giacomo is told that every sword has a soul that you have to seek out by beating. Is that true for other things?
- If You Ever… – Wanted to see Edward Furlong puke while riding a horse then The Knights of the Quest is for you.
- Wax Work – I have never seen so many people eating candles in any film before.
- Worst Scene – If you like dogs you might want to skip the scene of a guy grabbing a small dog by the hind legs and spinning it around and yeeting it a near country mile. The dog walks away but I’m sure the trauma remains. P.S. The dog gets his revenge.
