Bullet Points: Brain Smasher… A Love Story (1993)
Last month, while I was putting together the Albert Pyun from A to Z post, I was reminded of an Albert Pyun film that I have been meaning to check out for years… 1993’s Brain Smasher… A Love Story.
It’s not often we cover love stories here on Bulletproof Action… but I figured if I was going to do it, there’s no better day to post a review for Brain Smasher… A Love Story than on Valentine’s Day!
- Wall Breaker: The movie begins with a fourth wall breaking “Brain Smasher” Ed Malloy (Andrew Dice Clay, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane) shares the set up of the movie, since his buddy Johnny and even his own mother didn’t want to listen to his story… it all begins in London, England where supermodel Samantha Crain (Teri Hatcher, Tango & Cash) is on a swimsuit shoot when she receives a package from her botanist sister, Cammy Crain, with detailed instructions to take the package to Portland, Oregon… which happens to be where Brain Smasher works as a bouncer.
- Flower Snatcher: Sam arrives in Portland and goes to the address per her sister’s instruction… it’s a warehouse. As she enters, the mysterious masked Wu (Yuji Okumoto, Cobra Kai) calls out her name. Sam makes her way towards him, passing by several other masked men before she notices her sister Cammy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Streets of Fire) aka “The Indiana Jones of Botany”. Wu wants the package that Cammy sent to Sam… but Sam wisely did not bring it with her. The package contains a rare red lotus, a red lotus that will give Wu, the head of the Red Lotus section of the Shaolin Monks, the ultimate power to rule the world! Needless to say, Wu is not happy when Sam shows up without the red lotus, and his unhappiness grows when Cammy and Sam manage to escape the warehouse… when they get outside, the sisters split up with a plan to meet tomorrow at St. Luke’s Church.
- Door Crasher: Cammy had hoped that Wu and his fellow monks would follow her and Sam would be safe… the opposite happened and Sam has the monks (who she constantly refers to as ninjas) hot on her trail. Sam spots a line of people waiting to get inside a club, and she also sees the bouncer… “Brain Smasher” Ed Malloy smashing some brains! Sam ends up slipping by during the chaos, but it doesn’t go unnoticed by Ed, so he goes inside to find the door crashing Sam… but it’s no easy task. The club is packed, there’s a concert going on and soon there’s about to be some Shaolin Monks making their presence felt in violent fashion… when Ed finally catches up with Sam, she tells him about the ultimate power hungry ninjas who are after her. Ed dismisses her wild story, until he sees the “ninjas” in action! Ed and Sam make a hasty exit… and thus begins the unlikely partnership between a supermodel and a bouncer, as Ed agrees to get Sam to St. Luke’s, but first he needs gas money…
- Ed Lover: Ed and Sam visit Ed’s parents so Ed can borrow some money, then go they go back to Ed’s place where Ed teaches Sam some self-defense techniques… and she needs that training almost instantly when Wu and his fellow monks show up and it’s pandemonium! The monks disappear, Ed and Sam end up being taken down to the police station for questioning. The cops don’t believe Sam’s crazy “ninja” story either, until Wu and company show up there too! …Ed and Sam escape once again, they end up at a strip club, so do the Red Lotus Monks… and it all builds up to Ed being kidnapped by Wu and used as a bargaining chip to get the lotus from the Crain sisters, with Sam having to make a choice, save the world or the man she has fallen in love with!
Brain Smasher… A Love Story spoke to Albert Pyun’s versatility as a writer and as a director. Brain Smasher isn’t just different than Albert’s cyborg and kickboxer themed films, it is also one of Albert’s most entertaining films with the Dice Man, delivering as the hero of the movie. Plus, it starred Teri Hatcher, who stole my heart the minute she portrayed Lois Lane!
I heart Bonus Bullet Points too…
- Familiar Faces: Yuji Okumoto wasn’t the only Pyun regular in Brain Smasher… Tim Thomerson (Dollman and Heatseeker), Brion James (Nemesis and Hong Kong 97) and Nicholas Guest (Raven Hawk and Adrenalin: Fear the Rush) all played police detectives… I was also surprised to see Queen Kong herself, Dee Booher (Deathstalker II) as Bertha the stripper… And last but not least, Peter Kwong (Big Trouble in Little China and Never Too Young to Die) played the Red Monk.
- Bastard Count: There was one “bastard” in Brain Smasher… A Love Story.
- If You Ever: …wanted to see Andrew Dice Clay throw Shaolin Monks out of a window, then Brain Smasher… A Love Story is the movie for you.
