Bullet Points: Black Belt Angels (1994)
It is a story as old as time. Mobsters want to take over the local martial arts school. There is a reason movies keep going back to the same well, because it is successful. Black Belt Angels from 1994 is the most recent movie I watched that features that plot, but this time there is Rollerblading.
- Curriculum Vitae – I love a movie with opening credits that shows us the résumé of each actor. Black Belt Angels introduces us to the titular angels Kirsten (Shawna Rae Dee Larson, Taekwondo 2nd degree), Tracy (Rebekah Bartlett, Taekwondo 1st degree), Shawna (Nicole Burks, Taekwondo 1st degree) and Lupe (Ka’imi Kuoha, Kara -Ho Kempo Karate 1st degree). All of this introduction is done with a little seaside martial arts.
- Airborne – As if the intro wasn’t great enough to showcase the angels’ skills, the first action in Black Belt Angels sees some nogoodniks on Rollerblades, how awesomely 90s, stealing a purse only to be tracked down by the angels, also bladed, and saving the day. They are rewarded with their very own Black Belt Angels rap by a couple of thankful busking rappers. That is how you start a movie!
- Master Class – The Master Martial Arts school teaches taekwondo and is owned by Master Lee (Bobby Kim) with Matt Robinson (Jack Savage) as his second in command. Matt also happens to be the single father of Kirsten and Tracy. Kirsten and Tracy try a little cultural appropriation as they dress up as ninjas to try a sneak attack on their old man. Matt shows he is not afraid to beat up teenage girls on film. I am happy that this isn’t the last of ninjas we will see.
- Real Estate – Mr. Lucero (Frank DeAngelo) is the mobster that owns much of the real estate in town and wants to add the Master Martial Arts building to his portfolio. And to be fair to Mr. Lucero, a martial arts school may not be the best use of a property that is immediately adjacent to the beach and Pacific Ocean. Lucero tries to send six goons to vandalize the building, and while they are successful they also get beat up by the four angels. Six men against four female teenagers is hard to believe, but throw in a little comedy and I love it.
- Ninjas – Lucero is forced to hire ninjas, trained by the man with the most rad name in Black Belt Angels Rad Stroh (Sam Kuoha). These ninjas are actually pretty sorry, like driving around in a Chevy conversion van sorry, but at least there are a lot of them. Lucero also tries to get Matt to lose his daughter by getting Julie Morgan (Shannon Marketic) of child protective services to investigate. I sense a good looking male and good looking female who start out antagonistic only to become love interests storyline coming on!
- Rock ‘til You Drop – In order to help save the school, which also rents out space to a rock band, the black belt angels come up with a plan for a teen club rock and roll/martial arts demonstration party to raise money. There is nothing more in this world that I want than to be able to go back in time to go to these types of parties that seemed to happen in 80s and 90s sitcoms and movies. We’re talking block and board breaking, rapping, juggling and more all done in the finest of 90s music and clothing. When that little kid does the splits at the end of his routine… you gotta applaud something like that.
- Finale – Black Belt Angels goes full action for the final 30 minutes. After Master Lee and Matt are both kidnapped by Lucero and his hired ninjas, it is up to the black belt angels, their rock band friends and Miss Morgan (I knew she was going to change her mind). There is a lot of fighting, and much of it features Rollerblades, a crisis of conscience and you better believe we get a happy ending.
Black Belt Angels is a fun addition to the someone trying to take over a martial arts school genre. There is one thing to keep in mind when watching. Black Belt Angels skews towards a younger audience. Don’t expect to see serious or adult themes or actors with experience. You can expect to see actors with martial arts experience and a movie that has a great heart soaked in 90s nostalgia with a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings, here are some Black Belt Angels Bonus Bullet Points.
- 90s Fun – Besides Rollerblades, Super Soakers play a large role for the non-martial arts trained members of the rock band. Super Soakers that are filled with white vinegar and Tabasco. Ew!
- Drunken Boxing – Master Lee’s best fight is when he is wasted on Jack Danies but still able to take out several ninjas. His fight in the finale is pretty epic also.
- Words That Aren’t Used Enough Quote – “The old geezer signed the deed over to numbnuts.”
- I Want One – Does anyone else remember that Hijacker RC Car commercial or have one? I don’t remember, but thanks to Black Belt Angels featuring one and the commercial on YouTube, I now want one.
- Ingraham Angle – I was happy to see the Ingraham Street Bridge play such a major role in the finale.
