Bullet Points: Beauty and the Beast (2005)
Vikings are pretty badass and make for pretty good action movies. Fairy tales also make for good movies but not necessarily action movies. What happens when Vikings and fairy tales are combined? The 2005 movie Beauty and the Beast decides to take Vikings and combine them with the famous French fairy tale. Let’s see how it turns out.
- Viking Village – Beauty and the Beast introduces us to some Vikings getting ready to raid a local island that is said to be haunted by a beast controlled by Odin. Thorsson (Greg Melvill-Smith) is the king and he brings a bunch of Viking warriors, but the important ones are Sven (William Gregory Lee) and Eric (Justin Whalin). Sven is a cocky SOB that wants to marry Thorsson’s daughter Freya (Jane March) even though she doesn’t, but not like she has much of a choice. She agrees to marry Sven if he brings her father back alive.
- Beast Mode – I know I said Vikings are badass but these ones are not so much. Once they get to the island they get their asses handed to them by the beast. Sven, Eric and some of the other boys make it out alive, but that is only because Sven convinces them to leave even though he knows Thorsson was captured alive by the beast. Freya is going to be pissed.
- Bigwolf? Werefoot? The beast is way more badass than the Vikings. The beast is a combination of bigfoot and a werewolf with its massive footprints left in the mud and howling at the moon. Although, I have never seen a bigfoot with its own Thunderdome it uses to kill people. The beast is actually cursed by Odin, but looks more like a man wearing a bear suit on his head that is giving me Craig Sheffer in Berserker: Hell’s Warrior vibes. It is fitting though because the beast goes totally berserk when those Vikings show up.
- Rescue Me – Sven and the rest of the Vikings are too scared of the beast to go back to rescue Thorsson. At least Eric is man enough to tell Freya her father is still alive. Only Freya and her friend Ingrid (Candice Hillebrand) have the balls to go on a rescue mission. And once they get there, only Freya has the balls to fight the beast one on one. A fight that ends up with her being kidnapped and Thorsson and Ingrid returning home.
- Powerful Medicine – It is important to know that the beast is actually the cursed Agnar (David Dukas) from the same Viking village and long thought to be dead. The same Agnar that was the love interest for Freya before going missing. When the beast sees Freya’s face for the first time, the power of his beast boner starts to weaken Odin’s curse. A boner that grows even more powerful ad further weakening the curse after he peeps on Freya while she is swimming.
- Tale As Old As Time – Question for a friend. Is it wrong to want to see Freya and a half man half bear beast get busy in a Viking bed? Just asking because this friend really wanted to see it happen as Beauty and the Beast enters the romantic portion. Of course, just when things were getting interesting, the vikings decided to grow a pair and mount a rescue mission for Freya. Goodbye romantic portion, hello action finale. You will need to watch to find out what happens but I will let you know that not all fairy tales have happy endings.
Beauty and the Beast is an odd duck. On one hand you have badass Viking warriors, although not always acting that way, and on the other you have a romantic fairy tale. It is definitely not for everyone, but at only 90 minutes it doesn’t wear out its welcome. Except for the terrible wigs the actors wear, they were bad from the start and never got better. What is good is the Beauty and the Beast Bonus Bullet Points.
- Not To Be Confused With – Director David Lister also directed the 2010 movie Beauty and the Beast. I know I said not to be confused but now I am. To help, you can call the 2005 movie Blood of Beasts.
- Also Known As – You might also find Beauty and the Beast as Blood of Vikings. The 2005 version that is. Damn, this is confusing. Three names and one is the exact same as another movie from the same director?!?!
- Not Horny Enough – I know they are not historically accurate but would it still kill a Viking movie to have helmets with horns.
