Bullet Points: Abigail (2024)
Recently I’ve gone through the painstaking yearly ritual at my house of purging streaming services. Those that raise their prices to extreme levels without adding much content can eat my ass and know that I will not be paying for their services. On the other hand, those old friends of mine who continue to share their deets on their accounts so I won’t be completely left in the dark are much appreciated and shall receive the Christmas card in the mail as planned. Peacock is one that continues to survive the purge of 2024, and it was on this delightful app that I watched 2024’s Abigail.
Synopsis: After a group of criminals kidnap the ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, they retreat to an isolated mansion, unaware that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl.
- The Crew and the Mission: The film opens with a crew of bad guys doing a mysterious kidnapping job at a very mysterious place. No one really knows who the victim’s family is but they know they are loaded and it seems like the job that will allow them all to retire early. As a fan of these types of films, it helps to build up the excitement for me knowing that this crew is about to learn a hard truth; this won’t end well for them.
- Just the ticket: When you’re putting together a crew of villains, whether they are pulling a heist or kidnapping a child, it’s important you get a diverse crew full of every stereotype in crime. We have the rich girl hacker, the stoner wheelman, the junkie paramedic, the muscle, the professional, and the brains of the operation who we can certainly not trust. Stereotypes are often looked on as a bad thing but I find them very helpful in movies. Now I know all I need to know about a character without wasting precious time on backstory.
- Who’s your daddy?: The crew somehow manages to work well together long enough to abduct the girl and make it to the hideout. It’s all a little weird and not just because Giancarlo Esposito shows up. It’s all but a guarantee that he’s a bad guy, am I right? Either way, they go about getting drunk and doing all the things that professional criminals wouldn’t be doing when they finally learn who the father of the girl is. It was a record scratch moment for the crew as they all see their lives flash before their eyes, and they know the ends of each of them will be very painful.
- They all fall down: I’m sure you know by now but the young and innocent Abigail is actually an old and dangerous vampire. It was all over the trailer and I’m not sure that it should have been. I think it would have made for an interesting twist if we were all waiting on some sort of rescue from VALDEZ but instead just get to see a 13 year old biting necks and ripping throats like MacGruber. Still, watching the young vamp go to town on the frightened and way out of their league crew is pretty fun to watch.
- Potential survivors: At some point in a movie like this, it’s important to start wondering who might survive this ordeal. Stoner wheelman (RIP Angus Cloud) never stood a chance and neither did a couple of the others, but it’s clear that Scream’s Melissa Barrera might be here for the long haul. She’s definitely the main character and the only one who has any redeeming qualities to her. I also have to say that she was incredibly distracting for most of the film. It had nothing to do with her acting or the quality of her character. It was more because I found her unbelievably attractive and they just kept drenching her with blood and making her clothes tighter and tighter. It probably says more about me and anything that I found that hot but now you know.
- Fighting back: what kind of scumbag criminals would you be if you didn’t put up a worthy fight? Dan Stevens and company earn their paychecks for being covered in blood for a majority of the film and the crew tries to figure out which vampire lore weapons work the best in reality. It’s all pretty funny to watch on screen while also waiting for that next glorious kill. If there is one thing we’ve learned from directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, it’s that they love making a mess with that red stuff. Abigail has a really great third act and I felt it finally made up for its not so great character stuff in the first act.
The Verdict: Abigail was a pretty fun time. It had that great horror/action mashup that works so well. Put a team of bad guys (who we don’t mind seeing die) in a certain place with a monster (a vampire in this case) hunting them and you have one hell of a concept. Its worked well for many a year and I can see it working just as well in the future. Directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett are no strangers to the horror genre and they put enough blood in this movie to fill an Olympic swimming pool. I had read about the amount of blood used in the movie but it wasn’t until the final 20 minutes or so when the blood really poured. It was a good time and I’m sure that if it makes enough money we’ll see more adventures from the sweet little vampire.
