Bullet Points: Escape from L.A.

This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to you but Escape from L.A. is a watered down turd of a movie. It steals so much from the original film in such an unnecessary and predictable way that it could have easily been made by JJ Abrams. Seriously, Abrams re-made the Khan story into the abysmal Star Trek Into Darkness and then did the newest The Force Awakens by essentially copy and pasting the best elements from A New Hope.

Abrams-hating aside, this film did feel much more like a remake that was made in the late 2000’s than a sequel from the 90’s. Lazy writing is something that I can overlook in a good action film but this movie had more holes than a dead hooker. I hope that you’ll join me in burying this film to the back of the Netflix queue, to be watched many years from now, when we’ve forgotten just how bad it is.

Synopsis: 15 years after Snake Plissken screwed over the American Government worse than Obama, he’s once again captured and forced to help the very government that has kept him on the run all of these years. Now Snake has to infiltrate the devastated island penitentiary of L.A. to find the daughter of the President and a powerful weapon she has stolen.

• Cool Prediction Bro: The current POTUS was elected partially based on the fact that he predicted the earthquake that destroyed Los Angeles. He accepts a lifetime gig as the Prez and he’s a religious extremist with a hot daughter and a deep desire for any rescue operation to include something as dramatic as using the one guy you should never trust.
• 2013: This movie takes place in 2013.
• Sin City 2: They mention early in the film that Snake was re-captured in the U.S. territory of New Vegas, Thailand. Somehow I can imagine that there would be a city called “New Vegas” in Thailand, but I can’t imagine the U.S. every wanting to control said territory. Imagine all the shows with trannies in them!

• The New Villain: I wasn’t thrilled with Cuervo Jones as a bad guy. He doesn’t really do much that I would consider that bad. He rebels against an American Government that clearly is in shambles and has seen better times. Cuervo, himself, is a Peruvian terrorist and a part of a group called “The Shining Path”. That sounds like a pretty sweet group name but it also sounds like a weird group of people who like to be peed on. So despite his strange connections, Cuervo doesn’t scare anyone with his fancy car or his legion of completely useless and expendable bad guys.
• Cheapskates: Kurt Russell wears the exact same costume at the beginning of the film that he wore in the original Escape from New York.
• Remake or Sequel: Critics and non-critics alike have blasted EFLA for being far too similar to EFNY. There are probably a dozen different stories that would have made for a better sequel than this shameful attempt.
• More Predictions: Valeria Golino’s character says that she was deported for being a Muslim in South Dakota. Sound familiar Mr. Trump?

• Bring on the Action: Snake surfs around, does some hang gliding, rides a motorcycle, and later flies a helicopter. Is there anything that he can’t ride? Well, I think he does eventually crash all of those things but he still looked damn cool driving them! By the time that Snake finally catches up with Pam Grier’s Caitlyn Jenner character, they put together a terrible plan to rescue the girl and the detonator device that we’ll just call McGuffin. The movie fits some more disappointment into the movie by degrading Steve Buscemi’s character to almost the exact same dude as the cab driver in EFNY. It’s all very depressing to see.

If it doesn’t send you spiraling into a pit of despair then you should read these extra Bullet Points…

• The President’s daughter has a great body. Her name is A.J. Langer, she’s from my city, and she’s married to British Royalty!
• The original movie had Snake fighting a massive pro wrestler but this movie has him playing basketball. At least all of the shots that Snake makes in the film were really made by Russell.
• Bangkok Rules are the most unfair rules to play any game or sport to.