The Many Loves of Spider-Man
The Marvel character Spider-Man ( you may have heard of him) is starting up his third major movie franchise soon and I started to think about how many attractive women the web-slinger has been shacking up with over the past 15 years. It’s not like Peter Parker is the stud that Captain America or Luke Cage is. He’s not as cool as Tony Stark or as funny as Paul Rudd (who doesn’t like Paul Rudd?). Peter Parker is supposed to be a nerdy high school kid who just doesn’t fit in. It’s weird to me, though, that he seems to be swimming in a sea of hot chicks just begging to go for a swing. Let’s take a look at just a few.
Spider-Man – Mary Jane
I hope you’ll appreciate this picture as much as I did looking it up online. It reminds of my late high school days when I all of a sudden started being attracted to redheads. I blame it on Kirsten Dunst! Say what you will about Dunst’s acting ability in the Tobey MacGuire Spider-Man series but that rain scene had men’s pants exploding all over the planet. I know little Peter Parker was doing his best to keep his Spidey-Sense from covering that alley with his secret identity DNA.
Spider-Man 3 – Gwen Stacy
In one of the worst superhero movies since all of those other terrible ones, Spider-Man 3 buried the Tobey franchise faster than a 870G LC John Deere Excavator. Maybe it was some sort of combination of the dancing Peter, the terrible Sandman explanation, or That 70’s Show Venom, but the forced romance between Pete and Bryce Dallas Howard’s Gwen Stacy was almost as bad. Sure, she’s cute, but the script and her acting in that movie made me wish Peter would make a deal with the Devil and go back in time to before it happened. You know what I mean?
The Amazing Spider-Man – Gwen Stacy
While Mary Jane is the most well known love of Peter Parker, his first love will always be Gwen Stacy. Emma Stone stepped into the role opposite Andrew Garfield in 2012 to a very quiet applause. I’m not sure if it was the bad storytelling or the chemistry of the two leads but this movie felt a little too forced. The sequel….good heavens. It was a shit show.
Spider-Man: Homecoming – Michelle (maybe)
I don’t know who or what a Zendaya is but she’s playing a character named “Michelle” in the newest incarnation of the Spider-Man story in Spider-Man: Homecoming. We’ll see if her middle name ends up being Josephine or some shit and they call her “MJ” at a really pivotal moment in the movie and Spider-Man just looks at the camera like Jim from The Office. I can’t say that I’ll be waiting in line to see this movie in theaters but it does look promising compared to the other Spider-Man movies starring 33 year men playing high schoolers.
