What Not To Watch: Airboss

In April of 2016 I reviewed the Frank Zagarino movie, Airboss IV: The X Factor. The movie was not good and ended up being a horrible first impression to Zagarino’s Airboss movies.  But since that day I couldn’t help but wonder if I was unfair to Mr. Zagarino and the Airboss movies.  Should I have started with the original instead of just jumping all the way to the fourth movie?

Let’s face it, even the best of franchises lose some steam by the fourth installment. Don’t believe me check out Superman IV: The Quest for Peace or even Death Wish 4: The Crackdown. Both movies are sequels to some of my all-time favorite movies, but neither of those films are at the level of the movies that came before them. There are exceptions to the rule like Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, but for the most part a movie series has already seen its best days by the time it has reached the fourth film.

So in the interest of fairness I decided to give the Airboss saga a mulligan and check out the movie that started it all…

• Who Is Responsible For This Movie?: The credit (or in this case blame) falls squarely on the shoulders of J. Christian Ingvordsen. The Denmark born JCI wrote, produced and directed all four of the Airboss movies. He also was an actor in all four films, but in the original he was our main villain, a disillusioned former Spetnatz Colonel named Vlad Kotchev. The story here is Vlad cuts a deal with a terrorist by the name of Biali to deliver him a prototype of a Soviet stealth fighter or the “MIG 35 Firebomb” as it is more affectionately known. The Firebomb that had been locked away after the fall of the USSR but it is a working prototype making it a dangerous and powerful weapon, one that the United States would not want to fall into the wrong hands. It is kind of funny when you think about it, because movies can be a powerful thing and quite obviously this movie and more than likely every other movie that J. Christian Ingvordsen has been involved in, clearly fell into the wrong hands. I’m not sure what the world did to JCI for him to unleash disasters like Airboss, Airboss IV: The X Factor or one of my least favorite movies of all-time, Cyber Vengeance, on the world but it could not have possibly been that bad.

• What Is His Nickname?: This is the first chapter in the adventures of Frank White. White was played by Frank Zagarino for the entire run of these movies. But one aspect of the Frank White character that I either did not pick up on or they did not mention in Airboss IV was his nickname “Bad Dog”. Our main hero is nicknamed something you would say to a puppy who pissed all over the floor. Wouldn’t “Mad Dog” have been a better name? Sure it would, but ironically that horrible nickname is perfect for the horrible Frank Zagarino. Zagarino is probably the worst action hero to have any sort of longevity in the world of action entertainment. Usually the really bad ones get weeded out after 2 or 3 movies, but Frankie Z. kept coming back for more whether anyone wanted him back or not. We are introduced to Frank White as he is having a nightmare flashing back to the time he was running training exercises with some pilots and the young pilot, trying to emulate her “Top Gun” trainer the great “Bad Dog”, made a fatal error. Her death now haunts Frank White like a Frank Zagarino movie haunts anyone who has ever seen one.

• What Is His Actual Name?: Frank’s friend Admiral Todd (Bleu Deen) calls upon Frank to put the past behind him and be a part of the operation to retrieve the Firebomb. This special op will see Frank team up with a group of Navy SEALS lead by a guy named Bone Conn (Kayle Watson). BONE CONN?!? What the hell kind of name is Bone Conn?!? That has to be one of the dumbest character names in action movie history. And while we are talking about names that I do not like, I’m not too wild about Bleu Deen or Kayle Watson either.  And I’m definitely not wild about their acting contributions. Deen and Watson have 10 combined acting credits and they are all in films by J. Christian Ingvordsen. To paraphrase Judge Arthur Vandelay… I do not know how or under what circumstances Ingvordsen, Deen and Watson found one another. But their callous indifference to everything that is good and decent about action movies has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built.

As you can probably tell my Airboss experience was as bad as my Airboss IV: The X Factor experience, maybe even worse. I would like to go on record here and now and state that I will never review another movie that J. Christian Ingvordsen was involved in. To use a phrase that Admiral Todd used in the movie, Airboss was a “major goat f#ck”.

The tagline on Airboss was “Failure Is Not An Option” yet Airboss failed in every way imaginable. Fortunately for all of you, I will not fail to provide you with some Bonus Bullet Points…

• Student Driver: I never like driving behind cars with the student driver sign on it and I sure wouldn’t want to be flying around in the great blue yonder with anyone wearing a helmet with student on it.
• Disturbing Quote #1: “You screw the pooch on this one and you can bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.”
• Sound Advice: During his nightmarish flashback Frank White screams EJECT! several times. If only I had taken Frank’s advice and hit the eject button on my remote control. I would have saved myself a lot of mental anguish.
• You Sir Are No Lorenzo Lamas: Bone Conn’s radio handle is Snake Eater.
• Disturbing Quote #2: “I’d hate to see you puke on some of my men.”
• If You Ever: …wanted an actor to deliver a piss poor Russian accent, then hire J. Christian Ingvordsen and friends, they are the worst!