Bullet Points: The Cave

I have always had a real fascination for films that put people in deadly situations while doing some incredibly adventurous stuff. There is something about seeing thrill-seeking young people getting eaten by monsters and aliens that really puts a smile on my face. In essence, it’s the thrill of watching someone else being hunted that I dig the most. If only there was a way for me to be the one doing the hunted….

Synopsis: After a massive cave is found hidden underneath a church in Eastern Europe, a group of cave-diving extraordinaires is sent in to map out the cave and discover what kinds of goodies could be found. The team finds that not only is the cave more massive than they ever dreamed, but that it is filled with the type of creatures that are only in their nightmares.

• A Solid Cast: I was surprised at the actors who filled the roles of the team members and the scientists who would be getting eaten and ripped to shreds by the creatures. Lean Headey, Cole Hauser, Piper Perabo, and Morris Chestnut all had very prominent roles. That human slug Eddie Cibrian is also in the film as one of the leads but his acting is downright horrible.
• Beautiful Eastern Europe: They find the massive cave covered by a monastery of some kind and they don’t think, “hey, we should stay the hell away from this.” There is also some really wild paintings and engravings in the church that pretty much tell them that there are some crazy looking demons running around down there. It also doesn’t help that they find a bunch of bones and boots in the opening. That should have been the final sign they needed that just maybe they should have sent in some poor locals first or something.

• If This is Our Last Chance: I couldn’t have been the only one thinking that the grouping of Piper Perabo and Lena Headey offered such great visuals for all my lesbian loving homies. I knew nothing was going to happen but it didn’t stop me from wishing it so.
• Kinda like The Descent: Released in the same year, The Cave had the misfortune of being the lesser of the two cave-creature movies of 2005. It’s certainly not a bad movie but it is definitely not as good as its competition that year.
• The Rules of Evolution: I really don’t know what I’m talking about but the entire premise behind *SPOILERS* these creatures being the men who crawled down into that cave a couple decades earlier sounds ludicrous. How could a 180 lb. man turn into a creature like that? Maybe I need to read some more Darwin or something, but it seems quite ridiculous that people in the studio didn’t question this one more.

• Creatures: Once the team does start getting picked off by the creatures we’re given a few brutal death scenes. Sadly, because of the setting of the film, most of the deaths are in really dark areas or underwater. Maybe it’s a good thing because it probably hides the fact, at times, that these creatures are mostly bark and very little bite.
• Escape from The Cave: That could have easily been the title of the movie. It was pretty much what the cast were doing for most of the film. Once they get into the cave it’s only a matter of time before they start getting killed and we’re given the usual bickering, non-productive team that you should be used to seeing at this point. Cole Hauser is the leader of the group but he’s clearly infected with the parasite for most of the movie and I was just waiting for him to sprout wings or some bullshit. Eddie Cibrian screws up so many times in this movie that it’s a real shame that we don’t get to see him buried alive at any point. Lena Headey seems to be the best actor in the film and she doesn’t disappoint.

You don’t have to worry about being killed by these bonus Bullet Points:

• Cole Hauser has a very distinctive acting style. Even if he plays the same character in every movie I’ve ever seen him in.
• Morris Chestnut is way too jacked to be crawling around in some caves.
• Lena Headey needs mouth to mouth and Eddie Cibrian quickly takes a knife and cuts open her wet suit. Good on him.
• The creatures seem like they could have easily have swam out of the cave at any time. If a bunch of humans can swim out, then I would think that some super-evolved things could easily escape.
• If you’ve ever wanted to see Piper Perabo and Lena Headey wearing wet suits for 85 minutes then this is the movie for you.